Let's be a jerk

Lately I have been feeling pretty bad. I don't know how to deal with the pain in my back and I get frustrated. I want to retreat and be by myself and don't want to interact with anyone. Sometimes it is just hard. I am not by myself. There are others in my life that tend to get the brunt of my attitude and my angry grumblings. When I retreat and sulk I don't want anyone in my face talking to me, no matter what they wanted to talk about. Last night one of those times came up and my wife got the worst of it. I was done for the day, I was in pain and just wanted to lay down curl up and die. My wife came in to talk to me and tell me something. I answered her and then told her she could leave. To her it must of sounded like I was being dismissive, because it upset her and she got mad. I wanted to be alone in my pain, but because I made her mad she stayed where she was and continued to talk to me. I ended up getting upset and grumpy and lashed out with words to get her to leave. It was wrong, but I was not thinking clearly. I just wanted to be alone and said anything to make it happen. I finally managed to find a position where the pain was not too bad, and I just went to sleep. Now I know the pain is not her fault and I have a bad habit of not making what I want clear. I just don't know what to do most of the time. I go through periods, like right now, when I don't want anybody around me. I don't want to talk to anybody, I just want to lay there and cry. It may be depression, it may be me just giving up, I don't know. It becomes time like this when I don't like myself and I don't see the point of life anymore. It is hard to remember good times and moments where you get those "ah hahs". I am just skating through life and not really mattering to the world. It is all in my head, but those nasties are around me and I don't know how to deal with them properly. Perhaps I will find a way to deal, maybe I won't, but I will try. I love my wife and I hope she knows that, even here at my worst. She is probably the only thing keeping me alive. I forgot to take some pain medication this morning, so here at work I am kind of stuck. I will get some at lunch.


In the moments I am weak
I see right through the pain
Don't know what I am looking at
They all look exactly the same
In the moments that I am strong
The same can be true
Not sure what I am searching for
Just know I can make it through
Dedication, inspiration, motivation
Lacking simple education
Maximizing, criticizing,
No more socializing
Free from the bonds of my mind
No more endings left in sight
Find out now what is true
Sense of missing what's brand new
I fly never leaving the ground
I see the home where I am found
Go to the end and then come back
Simply float away
Relax and go today