Thoughts

The connections of ecstasy and love & awareness have been growing stronger. The breathing technique for connecting my left and right have helped expand my awareness as well. Healing of my back has been up and down, but I am better than I was before the surgery. I still have to be aware of my limits and not push so hard to be completely healed.

When I lay down, I find myself seeing a shell build up over me. The pattern creates in a spiral, and as pieces to the pattern of a turtle shell. As soon as it is complete to the center the connection from my sternum to the back of my head just opens up and grows like a long tube. The fibers are woven together like the Chinese finger cuffs. They really get locked together. Most of the time I end up being content in that state and don't travel. I should probably get a drumming tape or finish my rattle so that I can take my queues and let go. Perhaps I just need to get a tape recorder or CD recorder and sit and drum for an hour myself. It is tough working alone. I think that may be another hang up that I have. For the longest time I have been having a problem accepting the abilities that I have and allowing myself to do them on my own and without guidance or a teacher. I find myself being the perpetual student and not allowing myself to be the practitioner. I see everything as the learning experience and that is fine, I have had many teachers and that is fine, but I just have that step of doing what it is that I am guided to do and let go of the hang ups that my brain wants to throw in. It is that art of letting go that I see as my next hurdle. By not having a group that I weekly, or monthly just experiment with and let go, I have problems doing myself. Maybe that is more of my hang up, I don't really need anyone. But I find I like the company and support. It is tough only having a virtual spiritual family. Maybe I just need to grab somebody from my tribe and schedule times to do our own things at the same time, separate, but together.