Thanks for today
I don’t remember how much I have shared, but since today I celebrate 56 months of being smoke free, I figured I would ramble on a bit.
I look back at the difficulty I had in the beginning. The struggles and the awareness that everything I did had some ritual pattern set into place and most of it involved smoking, not smoking, finding places and doing things that surrounded smoking. I would finish what I was doing and go have a smoke, I would walk the dog many times just to smoke, my car ride to work, out on the road in hotels, hanging out with friends, all had impact on me when I chose to quit. I found this forum after I quit and needed to talk. The people that surrounded me where wonderful, I could trust them and even felt I could give them friendship and love. I started out without revealing my name, I didn’t really want to share more information that I was revealing with poetry and verse. I found a great spiritual awakening occurred after my quit. When I felt I lost it all and my head was spinning, I was able to find a spiritual stillness that help heal the hole I created for myself. After several years I thought that I wouldn’t think about smoking anymore I thought that I would not even remember that I was a smoker. Now I don’t want to forget that I quit, that I survived, that I took control of a piece of my self that I had given away. I just hired someone who smokes, he is the only one in the office. He takes his breaks and I see him smoking and when he comes in I can smell it. We have had to get office air fresheners. I think to myself, did I smell that bad. I remember little comments about how I must have just been out smoking, or my wife saying I must have had a hard day, but I never equated it to how bad I smelled. Now if I go to a bar or a concert, I come home and I can smell it in my clothes on my hair and it was just from being around others. It has been an interesting ride these last few months. My wife is now 19 weeks pregnant and she has the nose of an animal. She is very sensitive to smells and we have a difficult time going out. Here in Vegas it seems everyone smokes. It doesn’t matter what your age it people are smoking. I have seen people in wheelchairs that have oxygen tanks on the back and they are smoking away playing slot machines or blackjack. I have only found one poker room that is nonsmoking. Anyway, we are making sure we stay away from smoke while she is pregnant and it gives me other reason to be thankful I have quit. I have a son on the way and I want to be around as long as I can as well as I him to see me as a nonsmoker. I don’t want him remembering me smelling like smoke and having trouble breathing. I want him to remember my compassion, my love, my inner strength. It is a scary thought that I am going to be a father. After ten years of marriage it was a tough choice to make. Then there was no second guessing it because she got pregnant the very first month she went off of the pill. My life is changing again and for someone who has a difficult time with change this will be one heck of a ride. Thanks for letting me ramble on a bit.
Many blessing on your journey,
Peter
I look into the mirror,
And see me staring back,
Wondering what this day will bring,
Will I face the fact
That today will be a new day
Unlike the one before
New moments to walk
New webs to weave
A chance to do much more
Will I make the most of my day?
Will I greet the morning sun?
Will I wear a smile on my face?
Can I give it to everyone?
Can I get through without worry,
Without anger, and without fear?
Can I walk today with my head held high
And step into the clear?
My hopes and dreams,
My vision pure,
My path to make mistakes,
The revealed and the more obscure.
Will I be an example?
Will I show my truth?
Does it matter if no one sees me?
That is why I look into the mirror.
That is why I look at my self.
I made the choice to view my path,
To make steps,
To be me,
To grow.
I look back at the difficulty I had in the beginning. The struggles and the awareness that everything I did had some ritual pattern set into place and most of it involved smoking, not smoking, finding places and doing things that surrounded smoking. I would finish what I was doing and go have a smoke, I would walk the dog many times just to smoke, my car ride to work, out on the road in hotels, hanging out with friends, all had impact on me when I chose to quit. I found this forum after I quit and needed to talk. The people that surrounded me where wonderful, I could trust them and even felt I could give them friendship and love. I started out without revealing my name, I didn’t really want to share more information that I was revealing with poetry and verse. I found a great spiritual awakening occurred after my quit. When I felt I lost it all and my head was spinning, I was able to find a spiritual stillness that help heal the hole I created for myself. After several years I thought that I wouldn’t think about smoking anymore I thought that I would not even remember that I was a smoker. Now I don’t want to forget that I quit, that I survived, that I took control of a piece of my self that I had given away. I just hired someone who smokes, he is the only one in the office. He takes his breaks and I see him smoking and when he comes in I can smell it. We have had to get office air fresheners. I think to myself, did I smell that bad. I remember little comments about how I must have just been out smoking, or my wife saying I must have had a hard day, but I never equated it to how bad I smelled. Now if I go to a bar or a concert, I come home and I can smell it in my clothes on my hair and it was just from being around others. It has been an interesting ride these last few months. My wife is now 19 weeks pregnant and she has the nose of an animal. She is very sensitive to smells and we have a difficult time going out. Here in Vegas it seems everyone smokes. It doesn’t matter what your age it people are smoking. I have seen people in wheelchairs that have oxygen tanks on the back and they are smoking away playing slot machines or blackjack. I have only found one poker room that is nonsmoking. Anyway, we are making sure we stay away from smoke while she is pregnant and it gives me other reason to be thankful I have quit. I have a son on the way and I want to be around as long as I can as well as I him to see me as a nonsmoker. I don’t want him remembering me smelling like smoke and having trouble breathing. I want him to remember my compassion, my love, my inner strength. It is a scary thought that I am going to be a father. After ten years of marriage it was a tough choice to make. Then there was no second guessing it because she got pregnant the very first month she went off of the pill. My life is changing again and for someone who has a difficult time with change this will be one heck of a ride. Thanks for letting me ramble on a bit.
Many blessing on your journey,
Peter
I look into the mirror,
And see me staring back,
Wondering what this day will bring,
Will I face the fact
That today will be a new day
Unlike the one before
New moments to walk
New webs to weave
A chance to do much more
Will I make the most of my day?
Will I greet the morning sun?
Will I wear a smile on my face?
Can I give it to everyone?
Can I get through without worry,
Without anger, and without fear?
Can I walk today with my head held high
And step into the clear?
My hopes and dreams,
My vision pure,
My path to make mistakes,
The revealed and the more obscure.
Will I be an example?
Will I show my truth?
Does it matter if no one sees me?
That is why I look into the mirror.
That is why I look at my self.
I made the choice to view my path,
To make steps,
To be me,
To grow.
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