3rd birthday

Today is Quinn's 3rd birthday. He woke super excited and all morning he was singing several birthday songs to himself. He ran into the bedroom and promptly scared both himself and Amy as they met each other unexpectedly. After getting dressed he noticed the balloons on the table an ran to get them. He has been bouncing around all morning. He doesn't quite know what is going on only that it is his special day.

We went to the circus this last weekend. Quinn was excited by the clowns, elephants and tigers. I liked that they brought back the old cannon to shoot two people across the arena. After the circus I went to a ritual for the solstice. All the men of the circle put it on and it was a lot of fun. After the circle, I went and had more work done on my tattoo.

Special days come rolling in,
Sometimes with only a whisper.
In the moment, excitement rises,
Creative and superb.
All the energy,
Focused point,
Any possibility.
What is next, who will know,
We will just wait and see.

A long time

I don't think I have posted for a long time. I wasn't even sure this site was still going. Quinn is getting older coming up on 35 months. I am still doing the same as far as Engineering, but I am pushing through grad school and this time next year I will be graduated.

My eyes view the dawing in a brand new light,
Welcome to the vision and a second sight.
Power in the spirit and the notions pure,
Age old wisdom and experiences for sure.
No path marked and I walk on through,
Each step is fresh and uncharted new.
Can we say for sure or do we make it up?
Progress works with commitment and pure dumb luck.

Mysterium 08

Here is where our Path resides,
Here is where we realize,
The awakening of our sacred heart.
In here you are a friend to me,
A safe place without any enemies,
A circle, free, ready to accept us from the start.

Dance with me,
And I’ll dance with you,
Dance around the fire here tonight.
Won’t you dance with me,
And I’ll dance with you,
The drums will guide us in this perfect night.

Dance with me,
And I’ll dance with you,
Dance around the fire here tonight.
Won’t you dance with me,
And I’ll dance with you,
Let the drums bring us around the fire.

Spiral through the songs we sing,
We see beyond what sight may bring,
We open to the voice of harmony.
The drum will be the tie that binds us,
As we leave time and space behind us,
A common ground without any thought of fear.

Dance with me,
And I’ll dance with you,
Dance around the fire here tonight.
Won’t you dance with me,
And I’ll dance with you,
The drums will guide us in this perfect night.

Dance with me,
And I’ll dance with you,
Dance around the fire here tonight.
Won’t you dance with me,
And I’ll dance with you,
Let the drums bring us around the fire.

Oh I know the drums will bring us all around, again.

for you

Place your tongue on the roof of your mouth. You will feel a little groove that it fits in nicely. Breathe in through your nose and out of your mouth. Repeat three times and each time let your body relax, let your shoulders fall, let your eyes and your face relax.
Sit for a second and take a small inventory of yourself. Wiggle your toes, tense and release your leg muscles, feel your stomach go in and out with your diaphragm, feel your chest and your arms and fingers. Take an inventory of your physical body. See yourself with your minds eye. Look down on yourself sitting there relaxed. Look around at your body and see the places that are in pain. Look at yourself like the old operation game and all the things that make you buzz. As you do, realize that is your physical body and you are observing it. Take your perspective back and see your desk, Take it back and scan the globe and think about a few loved ones. Do you see them at work, watching tv, driving? Tell them you love them, and think about another. Think about a close friend. What do you see them doing? Take it further and look across the globe, take a look at the planet. Tell her you love her. Come down again to your city and look down on it. Find your neighborhood. Find your home. See yourself sitting and reading email. That physical body is you, but you are so much more. You are also the observer looking in. Even though it is hard to remember, the physical pain doesn’t touch the observer, it is separate, it is still you. You are not alone, you are loved.

Feeling tired and alone tonight,
I look around and smile.
I may be scared and so unsure,
The path ahead is not clear.
But in this moment I and strong,
And that is enough for me.
Life is full of moments.
Look at this moment now.
One instant of cheer, one instant of relief,
One instant that seems perfectly clear.
If I knew of a way,
To walk one instant at a time.
I could choose and instant and make it repeat
And forever I would be fine.

#1 & #2

#1 What is “Like Minded” about us?
I agree that on the surface the Tenets of Nature Religion – Natural Magic is the obvious answer, so I will try to go a little deeper and see what I discover.

One thing I notice is that we tend to “Know” some things. We have learned lessons from Mother Earth and there is an understanding that has drawn us together. We also seem to “Seek” out answers, questions, and knowledge. We all have a certain level of discernment that allows us to pick out truth within a huge amount of information. It also seems that we are not they type that try to push forth our ideas and hammer them down other peoples throats. We don’t find the need to flaunt our knowledge to try and prove to each other that we read this or did that. We are a practical group of people that walk similar paths at times and have shared experiences that blend together. We want to listen to each other, learn from each other, respect each other and find the harmony. Our differences can be painful at times and we can be thick headed at other times, but most of us have had enough knocks to the head to learn to stop and listen for a while and figure out the lesson laid out before us.

#2
We remember to speak with respect with all things.

This can be a difficult tenet. The purpose of this one is to speak with respect. As we speak with respect it is with all things. It is not just people, it implies all that breathes, swims, flies, moves, grows, changes, and exists. This can be tricky because disrespect can happen so easily. Taking things for granted, not greeting or not acknowledging things can be form of disrespect. Is not speaking to something not speaking with respect? We could probably go around in circles. I think that portion comes with present thinking and being in the now.

One thing that is interesting about this tenet is that the word “remember.” Remember can be used to imply before or after. We almost get an out with this one in those heated moments when we have verbal diarrhea. In the present we remember, but also after the fact we remember. I feel because we are on a learning path we can screw up and we are not perfect, but we are evolving and we process what we say and do in order to make corrections and move forward. We don’t allow ourselves to purposely be disrespectful and we check ourselves to see if we kept respectful when we speak. Perhaps I am wrong on this thought. I reserve that right. It does say speak and not spoke implying present tense and doesn’t say will giving it future tense.

Most of the time this is easier for me than some to follow this tenet. Because my brain works quicker than my mouth, I often don’t say anything or feel that I missed the opportunity to speak. I don’t interject my thoughts and that is something I am working on. Slowing down and formulating my thoughts into words is important. As I am growing older and learning more, I have experiences that can be helpful to others and need to share them. I am noticing that I am experiencing more frustration than I used to. When my blood sugar is low, I get irritated more easily and how I speak becomes as important as what I speak. There is no distinction in this tenet.

q

I knew you had moved beyond the physical form in March. I saw you at night, I dreamt of you. You were in my thoughts and prayers. I felt relief from you as you were no longer subject to the cancers that you have fought for years. Finally without pain. I refused to say it because it brought with it a lot of sadness. I have dealt with men in my life dying, my uncle, grandfather, Joe, but have yet to loose a female friend. Lia, I know that even though you were on the other side of the country, we had a friendship. I will miss your experience and your written voice. Those opinions of a woman who has traveled to the core of the universe and has grabbed life by the balls and submitted it.

You are missed, you are loved, sacred to my heart, my friend.

Just thoughts

I need to start writing my thoughts down again on a regular basis. It is helpful to get things out, I know this, but I often seem to busy in my own head to make that happen. My son is now almost 1 year old. It has gone by so quickly. I still find it fascinating how he can discover new things daily. I look forward to seeing it.

New discovery,
Precious view,
Open eyes, open mind,
Take on something new,
Sparkle, flash, brilliant light,
Walking dream,
Sleepless night.

I have moved into the diabetes stage of my life. I guess I didn't respect myself enough to prevent this from happening, if I could have from my genetics.

4u

Sing to the world,
Let your heart flow,
In the joy and the love
That makes your heart grow.
Celebrate, elevate, see the way
You light up the life
Of all that you meet.
Continue to walk your path,
See it through,
And know in your heart,
That we too love you.

61

So much to tell, can I get it out?
This is my sixty first month of being quit,
Time to shout it out loud.
These last two months have been such a joy.
Send your welcomes to Quinn,
My new baby boy.
He was excited to come,
He just couldn’t wait,
At thirty-two weeks,
He didn’t have much weight.
He is much bigger now,
Out of the hospital and home,
Sharing the love,
Both safe and sound.
Getting to know each other has been fun,
The late nights, dirty diapers, making faces and bathing
All good except the pain of the circumcision.
He his healing fine and eating much more,
He will grow up fast
Who know for what we are in store.
My first child,
Only pride and joy,
I hope I am enough,
A father, a friend, a mentor and more.
I will teach him all I know.
We will learn together much more.

Lights, camera, action

I am not sure where to begin on recapping these last few weeks. Life got scary, exciting, overwhelming and joyous all at the same time. I guess I can look back at the beginning and try to get it all out and if I get busy and can’t finish then I will finish later. So while I have a few minutes let us journey back a few weeks and look at what happened.

Amy went into the doctor’s office with her jelly beans. Broches jelly beans have enough sugar so that 13 of them can take the place of a glucose cola that they make pregnant mothers drink to test for gestational diabetes. You have to eat all 13 in 5 minutes. Most guys would say no problem, but try it and see if you can get past the sweetness of it all when you already don’t feel well and you have someone constantly smack you in the belly. Anyway, she got through her test and she was clear. They tested her blood pressure and it came back reading normal. She scheduled her visit in two weeks.

The next day we went to the prenatal specialist to see our baby for his last scheduled ultrasound. Amy’s blood pressure was elevated. It was 178/101. The doctor said to make some adjustments to her medication and we got to see some pictures of our son. He didn’t want to show himself very much so we only got a take home picture of half of his face. He had chubby cheeks and at this magnification he had quite a big nose. He looked like a combination of a Jewish nose from Amy’s heritage and my grandfather’s Iroquois nose. It made us laugh. This was a Friday morning.

All weekend long Amy wasn’t feeling well. She started having pains on her side. She had me go out in the middle of the night and find her some Tylenol regular strength. That was harder than it seemed. I could find every type of extra strength but nothing in regular strength. When I did find it, it cost 3 times the amount of the extra strength. Talk about supply and demand. She started taking the Tylenol and the pain would go away for a few hours. I figured it was muscle pain or the baby was kicking her ribs.

On Monday she went to work and everyone said she didn’t look well. It wasn’t her usual pregnancy glow. She was still having some pains. When she got home she took her blood pressure and it was still elevated. After dinner she started getting neck and chest pains. They were getting bad and wouldn’t go away. I was worried because it seemed like it was heart attack pain and not pregnancy related. We called the doctor and she described her pain. The doctor said to go in and so the adventure began.

Tear drops of unexpected terror,
Unknown what will come next,
Shattered illusions of plans and fresh beginnings,
By the bed of my love I wept.
Pain, sorrow, confusion,
Could this be just a terrible dream?
Not yet, no hurry, hold on for one more day.
An emotional ride with no destination,
No stop to rest the tired and drained blurr
That keeps giving and giving like that darn bunny
You just want to slam against the wall
To stop the pounding in my head.
This is no ones fault.

How do you consul a mother that has just learned that if she does not deliver her baby 9 weeks early she will do permanent damage to herself and could put both herself and her child in jeopardy of death? Between the tears we decided to contact the family and let them know what is going on. Amy’s liver platelets were dropping and her enzymes where increasing. She was getting proteins in her urine and her blood pressure was very high. They were putting her on Magnesium Sulfate to prevent her from going into seizures and blood pressure medication to try and lower her levels. The baby was not the slightest bit stressed and didn’t care about what was going on. He just wanted mom to eat more ice cream.

The doctors were frantically trying to get a bed for the baby in another hospital. The one that we went to was not equipped to take a child less than 34 weeks old. He needs a specialized NICU so that they can deal with a child that is 30.5 weeks. They couldn’t find one that also had a bed for Amy. There was a treat that the baby would be delivered in this hospital and then transported to another hospital will mom stayed here to recover. Not something that anyone wanted. After calling several hospitals they found one that should have a bed in the morning. She just had to hang on until morning. She made it and they transported her at first light to the hospital she would deliver at and the child would remain at.

When Amy arrived at the medical center she caused all sorts of drama. She was put into a birthing room. It is an uncomfortable bed that they can monitor her and the baby constantly. They prepared her for surgery and attempted to do a blood draw. They tried several times and finally got enough to test. She had stabilized a bit and her blood levels were not dropping. They would wait a few more hours and test again. Amy is a terrible blood draw when she is healthy, when she is blotted and not feeling well it is next to impossible to get blood out of her. The lab techs would come in she would tell them to get the smallest needle they had and warned them they would have a difficult time. They blew her off and after several attempts, bruising Amy, not getting any blood, they would walk away with broken egos and smacked with a reality check that not everyone is just complaining. It got to the point that no one wanted to draw her blood. They would put her off until the next shift. They asked for a pic line be put in so that they wouldn’t have to stick her anymore. She already looked like a heroin junkie and battered, beaten and broken. The IV team was not available to put in a line until the next day so they had an anesthesiologist come in and it took the doctor 3 times to get blood from her femoral artery. Test after test we waited, each time bracing ourselves for the call that we couldn’t wait any longer.

They gave her the first injection of steroids to help the baby’s lungs develop on the second night we were in the hospital. Amy’s mother jumped on a plane and headed out to join us. Neither of us slept, still waiting for the next test. She was holding on and her body and was as well. They got another steroid injection in her in the middle of the night. In the early hours of the morning a phlebotomist came in and was a silent vampire. He checked the id badges, confirmed her identity, strapped up her arm and waited. It didn’t do anything but feel. After 15 minutes he went in with a syringe and took the blood. He was the only person that managed to do it without several attempts and lots of pain. He left without a word and processed her blood.

In the morning her tests came back showing an improvement. She started to feel better. The doctor put off the surgery again and we waited. It seemed that they steroids had an effect on Amy as well as the baby. We could hear him with the Doppler and he was coughing all of the time. Amy felt good, her blood pressure had come down. She was stable. The doctor did his rounds and was amazed at her progress. We managed to get him to 31 weeks got both steroid injections in her and she was settling in for an extended stay. I picked up Amy’s mom at the airport and took her to our house. The doctors told her it was a honeymoon period and they still didn’t give it much time. Amy felt so good she was contemplating if they would send her home. They doctors told her that she was not leaving with the baby still inside her and to not get her hopes up. They prepared her to get into a different room and a more comfortable bed. The birthing bed did not make the best sleeping bed. She moved rooms in the morning and actually got in a shower. The IV team came by and it took them 3 tries to get in a line. They used an ultrasound machine to even search for her veins.

What a ride. Amy was feeling better. Her mom was there to keep her company. I went back to work for a few hours to meet some clients and to talk with the marketing director. Everything seemed like it was going well. Then I got the phone text that the pain was starting again. A little while later I got the call that I should wrap things up and go into the hospital. Then I got the call to hurry, he was going to be delivered tonight. I am frantically driving to the hospital, trying to call people to take care of the dog. I missed the exit, had to get gas. Got on the highway and it was stopped bumper to bumper. Got off, tried a back road that was stopped with construction, went around and went a different way. I got stopped by a train that stopped across the intersection and finally made it to the hospital. Then they said that she was given pain meds and that it would be a little while before the doctor got there. I helped get her shaved and ready for surgery. We then got the call that it was delayed a few hours more because there has to be two doctors and they were finding a second one.

A few hours later, I was dressed in surgical scrubs and fussing with trying to get the foot coverings over my feet. They wheeled her into the surgery room and the gave her a morphine spinal block. The doctor was so happy with hitting it the first time that he was joking with us the whole time Amy was laid out. The doctors came in and she was prepped for surgery. One doctor was giving the nurses a hard time and the other was joking and seemed kind of nervous. They strapped her down, put up the sheet and started to work. In 15 minutes they pulled our boy out kicking and screaming to “The neon lights are bright on Broadway, there is magic in the air.” The NICU doctors where there to measure, weight, test and whisk off to the baby patch. He weighed in at 3lbs 11oz and was 17 inches long. Not too bad for a 31 week child. The fact that he was screaming and he got a 9.8 on his test scores, was amazing. I got to see him for a short period as he was leaving. He was beautiful and had lots of hair on his head.
In the wee hours of the morning I got to inform the family and friends that Quinn was born. They had him on oxygen, but he seemed to be doing ok. It took a few hours for the feeling in Amy’s legs to come back. We enjoyed listening to Queen and a few workers sing as they were cleaning up the surgery room not knowing we were next store in recovery.

It is taking Amy quite a bit of focus to get over her feelings that this was somehow her fault that he was early. She keeps getting into the, what did I do wrong state of mind and wants me to forgive her. Most of the time I let her have her feelings, but I keep reminding her how happy I am that they are both alive and how well she did to get him this far. She ate right, she took her vitamins, she didn’t exert herself physically. She did everything she could. Her body was just done. That is ok. I am happy, relieved excited.

I have gone and seen him every day. I have watched settings on the oxygen tubes get turned down as he took on more and more air on his own. I have watched him switch from air tubes to a nose plug that most people have, and then yesterday he came off of oxygen completely. He may have a few days in the future where he needs help, but no one expects a premi to be free of tubes. He is starting to get formula from a feeding tube and not just IV fluid. He is doing wonderfully. By the time he comes home he should be just fine. His heart ultrasound went fine and today he gets a brain scan.

It was amazing the other day when I got to hold him for the first time. He was wrapped up and handed to me. He was so light. He looked at me for a moment and then when I held him in my arms he just went to sleep feeling safe and secure. It was a wonderful feeling. Mom got to hold him for the first time yesterday and he fell asleep right away in her arms. He loves to be held.

I am in awe at the pure perfection in a new born. It doesn’t matter if they are premature or have gone to full term. They are empty of everything but instinct and love. At times they can have the blankness written in their faces and at other times show the whole world that they are disturbed.

Purity in the simplest form,
The world is nothing to them,
They find comfort in the firm touch,
Hold me and protect me.
No shapes in the still forming eyes,
Sound, taste, smell, sensitive to the delicate touch,
Fullness shows in the overwhelming spirit deep inside.
What wonders are coming next?
One moment in the line of a rolling stone building momentum
Who is hardly aware of the hills and only seeing the blade of grass directly in their path.
That struggle to get started will be gone before we know it.
We begin so quickly yet it is so difficult.
Breathing is the focus now,
Then we need food and drink,
Soon the struggles become natural and we forget the beginnings.
Unknowing what could be, what is, what will be.


As I feel up to it I will expand the story and explain the daily struggles to a new family. Right now I wait for a moment to visit and experience life in one moment increments.

Thanks nicless

Another month smoke free.

Hold your hand,
As we make a stand,
Given strength and wisdom
Through your words.
Chat or mail,
Voice and song,
Tears of triumph,
Through your words.
Matriarch,
Family extended,
Interwoven relations,
Though your words.
Growing, changing,
Giving with your heart,
Letting us discover
Through your words.

Thanks for today

I don’t remember how much I have shared, but since today I celebrate 56 months of being smoke free, I figured I would ramble on a bit.

I look back at the difficulty I had in the beginning. The struggles and the awareness that everything I did had some ritual pattern set into place and most of it involved smoking, not smoking, finding places and doing things that surrounded smoking. I would finish what I was doing and go have a smoke, I would walk the dog many times just to smoke, my car ride to work, out on the road in hotels, hanging out with friends, all had impact on me when I chose to quit. I found this forum after I quit and needed to talk. The people that surrounded me where wonderful, I could trust them and even felt I could give them friendship and love. I started out without revealing my name, I didn’t really want to share more information that I was revealing with poetry and verse. I found a great spiritual awakening occurred after my quit. When I felt I lost it all and my head was spinning, I was able to find a spiritual stillness that help heal the hole I created for myself. After several years I thought that I wouldn’t think about smoking anymore I thought that I would not even remember that I was a smoker. Now I don’t want to forget that I quit, that I survived, that I took control of a piece of my self that I had given away. I just hired someone who smokes, he is the only one in the office. He takes his breaks and I see him smoking and when he comes in I can smell it. We have had to get office air fresheners. I think to myself, did I smell that bad. I remember little comments about how I must have just been out smoking, or my wife saying I must have had a hard day, but I never equated it to how bad I smelled. Now if I go to a bar or a concert, I come home and I can smell it in my clothes on my hair and it was just from being around others. It has been an interesting ride these last few months. My wife is now 19 weeks pregnant and she has the nose of an animal. She is very sensitive to smells and we have a difficult time going out. Here in Vegas it seems everyone smokes. It doesn’t matter what your age it people are smoking. I have seen people in wheelchairs that have oxygen tanks on the back and they are smoking away playing slot machines or blackjack. I have only found one poker room that is nonsmoking. Anyway, we are making sure we stay away from smoke while she is pregnant and it gives me other reason to be thankful I have quit. I have a son on the way and I want to be around as long as I can as well as I him to see me as a nonsmoker. I don’t want him remembering me smelling like smoke and having trouble breathing. I want him to remember my compassion, my love, my inner strength. It is a scary thought that I am going to be a father. After ten years of marriage it was a tough choice to make. Then there was no second guessing it because she got pregnant the very first month she went off of the pill. My life is changing again and for someone who has a difficult time with change this will be one heck of a ride. Thanks for letting me ramble on a bit.
Many blessing on your journey,
Peter

I look into the mirror,
And see me staring back,
Wondering what this day will bring,
Will I face the fact
That today will be a new day
Unlike the one before
New moments to walk
New webs to weave
A chance to do much more
Will I make the most of my day?
Will I greet the morning sun?
Will I wear a smile on my face?
Can I give it to everyone?
Can I get through without worry,
Without anger, and without fear?
Can I walk today with my head held high
And step into the clear?
My hopes and dreams,
My vision pure,
My path to make mistakes,
The revealed and the more obscure.
Will I be an example?
Will I show my truth?
Does it matter if no one sees me?
That is why I look into the mirror.
That is why I look at my self.
I made the choice to view my path,
To make steps,
To be me,
To grow.

Upcoming Imbolc

I have so many things to post.... I need to make time to discuss them all.
I turned 33, I am going to be a father this year, work, play, life... lots of drama....

I was musing today so I thought I would put it down before it was lost.

In the night of smith craft, healing, and inspiration;

Bard our craft,

Sing the songs of the wind,

Breathe our health,

Flow in life,

Wisdom our inspiration,

Refreshed in Spirit

Blacksmith our craft,

Burn the path of change,

Flames our health,

Forged new in desire and direction,

Passion our inspiration,

Purified in Spirit

Dowsing our craft,

Clarify our choices,

Drink our health,

Bathe in the waters of life,

Love our inspiration,

Cleansed in Spirit

Farming our Craft,

Grounded in the rich earth

Eat our health,

Solid in our foundation,

Knowledge our inspiration,

Nourished in Spirit

Now that our spirits are Refreshed, Purified, Cleansed, and Nourished,

Find your beginnings, this first step in many that lead to the creation of the wheel.

remembering 52 months

It is sometimes strange to look back and think about the last 52 months of being smoke free. Even though I have made the choice not to smoke until I am at least in my nineties or ever, I get reminded of the struggles I went through periodically by others around me or situations I am in. I was standing outside the other day at a youth detention facility that is located on a mountain side with someone who lit up a cig. He had quit for six weeks after a laser therapy session and had recently started again. It reminded me of all the times I had tried and failed and all of the schemes and deals I would make with myself to justify that one more smoke.

I just went to a concert the other night and was having a great time 15ft from the stage, people all around me singing and dancing, and a majority of them smoking. Billows of smoke where poring out of these people. A few of them where trying to be nice and blowing the smoke upwards, or at least trying not to blow it in our faces, but many didn’t give it a thought. I came home smelling like an old ashtray and there wasn’t anything I could do to get that smell away until I took a shower and washed the clothes. I remember a time when I must have smelled like that all the time and I couldn’t really notice it because I was so used to it.

Smoking is a powerful addiction, I am glad that I have struggled through the worst of it and have made it to where I am today. I live in a town where I see smokers on a daily basis. I interact with them and remember my quit. After 52 months, I will not be smoking. I am thankful for the help I have received and send prayers of support to those of you working through your struggles in this addiction.

Today I dream

A moment of peace

About a place

Where you can do anything

Touch the stars

Hold the wind

Breathe the ocean

Lift your feet up off the ground

Why is it only in fantasy

That we explore

Let ourselves be free

We hold on tight

To the things we have learned

The unknown too scary

Burdens too strong

Comfort from choices

Never to far

Mixing emotions with fear

Tearing them all apart

Vision beyond the known

Failing and learning

The next path to take

Will this one be better

Let us find out

If it isn’t, then so what

We can move on

We can be strong

We can make our way

We can go beyond

We can be alive and moving

We can dance and grove to the music

We can

We can

We can

So many things

I don't know where to beging with all of the things that have been going on lately. Amy had her Gala and I helped her with the auction and set-up. It was wonderful to see her at work in her environment. Work has been busy and now I see the problems of lots of work with no budgets to get them all done. I attended a set of classes on Litergy from the Pagan perspective and reinforced ideas on how to do ritual for both private and public events. I went to the desert for bone-dance and had a wonderful time. I am going to be getting my large tattoo soon and I am excited. I miss my family, but we can't leave our dog in a boarding house for very long because of her age and so we won't be able to travel for the holidays. Fortunately my father is coming for a week and it will be nice to spend some time with him again. Perhaps we can go out into the desert and visit some of the beauty that surrounds us. I am tired a lot these days, I am not sleeping soundly, my dreams are sparitic at best and it is bringing my down. My focus and motivation to do things is lacking and I hope that I can snap out of this soon. I would like to be more in the moment and less out of it.

There are so many other things I want to talk about but I don't have time this morning. I have to go attend a County meeting and talk about our upcoming work.

Love to all..

50 months quit

Today is my 50 month anniversary from quitting smoking. Life is so different now. It still has its episodes of drama, I still wonder about life and my role in it, but I am at a different level in my life. My spiral has taken me to adventures I wasn’t even expecting. I don’t really give smoking much though anymore other than noticing how bad it smells when I am walking through a casino, or eating at a restaurant. I am trying to figure out how to get those 5 minute breaks I used to take all the time and what to do in them. I need to create a CD packed full of 5 minute songs that I can meditate to and spend some time focusing and centering.

My health is better. Three months ago, I had a scare that I am following the family tradition of developing diabetes. I still may, but I changed my life around a bit and now everything is more normal. My three month blood sugar level is down, my fasting sugar is down, my cholesterol, and fat levels are down. I lost a little weight, not much, but some, and my doctor was very happy and quite surprised that I managed to make a lifestyle change, enough to affect the results. If I could get my stress levels down, I might just make it after all.

Laying bed, watching the shadows,

Seeing the images race through my head,

Finding a peace in the midst of confusion,

Holding a thought when it is all so unclear.

I race through my battles,

Search for more answers,

Get nothing but questions,

No sense of knowing,

What is coming ahead.

If I take it by moments,

Toward the goals that I aim for,

I know I’ll make it, one step at a time.

It doesn’t have to be hard.

Making a change can be broken down.

Practice the motions,

See it through clearly,

When all else is failing,

Smile and move on.

You have nothing left to fear,

Take the action and will it to be so.

Open you heart to love,

Love for yourself, love for it all,

Let loose the baggage, there is no room.

Lay back and let it all go,

See your images clearly,

For once and for all.

wonderment on a bad day

I sit alone and wonder why.
What can I do besides watch the days go by?
Work takes up most of my time,
But life is more than just making a dime.
Is this the life I am to lead?
Just waiting for the next assignment to come to me.
I know that I support more than my family.
I know the importance of the work that I do.
But, my intrests seem to fade away,
My ecploration of life is no longer in clear view.
I have all of these ideas,
Pictures in my head,
Creation of beauty
Building more, inventingm, supplying creativity.
But I am just a fool and only sit and wonder
Big ideas that really go no where.
Why can't I just shut up about it,
I don't take steps, I am insecure.
This is a land of posible dreams.
I have to sit an maintain my means.
Life can turn from safe to worse
In the blink of an eye
So I do nothing with what little time I have.
Mentally down, drained and broken
Waiting for nothing and getting nothing in return.

I don't want to be this passer by
I don't want to just sit and wonder why
The life I want can be more than just a dream
I have the power, I have the way and means
Taking control, making the moves
Building a road, using all my tools
Open my eyes and see the world
Open my voice and let it all unfurl
Creating life and moving on
I have the power, create desire, will it to be done

Personal Responsibility

What does this tenet/affirmation mean to you?

"We practice personal responsibility in our daily lives".

To me the duty of practicing personal responsibility has many facets. I have to do the things I say I am going to do, take care of my self in mind, body, and spirit, answer for the things that I have done, and push myself to be open and honest with everyone including myself. The idea of practice to me comes from the fact that it is often difficult to recognize personal responsibility. We stay in situations too long, obsess about things, overlook things that would benefit us, do things that are self defeating, do things without thinking about them. So we have to practice and practice and recognize what is our best action and reaction to the life that is happening right now. We can’t blame others for situations we put ourselves in. We can choose to change things. We can change tones, clarify, understand the bigger picture, we can remove ourselves, and move on. We have to be active in our daily lives, just going through the motions, isn’t always in our best interests.

I am a spiritual person, and everything I do involves my spiritual practice. It is difficult for me to feel like I am being spiritual in the work place, but doing my job to my best ability and with my being is spiritual. I have to work to support my family. I recognize that I may not be doing exactly what I want to be doing, but I have put myself in this situation and made commitments that have to be kept.

I have to be as healthy as I can to live as full a life as possible. I haven’t made all the best healthy choices in the world, I enjoyed smoking for many years, I do like sweet things, there are some wonderful drugs out there, I don’t like working out just to work out, but I have made those choices and have chosen to work through them.

Practicing personal responsibility in my daily life means that I don’t blame my actions on others, if I need more information, then I try and get it, if spirit is trying to speak, I listen or I suffer the consequences, I try and pay my debts, I stay involved with my community, life, work, family, and my self. When I feel that I fail, I evaluate and learn. I practice, I change, I evolve, I help, I work with others to keep on keeping on.

This statement is plural, we practice, our personal lives. We can learn from each other and help each other recognize our personal needs, and work through our problems. We are a Tribe of individuals, a family, not alone in all of this.

Awaken the eyes of the child,
See clear and know yourself,
Illusions, misinformation,
Unknown awareness,
Pull clear the vail,
Speak the words from your heart
Let love move through your being,
Grow, tell your tale and move on.
The adventure only begins right now,
And the now is quickly going by,
See through those eyes
Tell me what you see
Tell me what will be
Speak of those possibilities
Let your mind be free
Remember and know...

49 months

Walking with me,

Holding my hand,

Remembering life,

Setting us free.

You don’t walk alone,

A place in my heart,

More than what’s shown.

You have helped me to stand,

Sometimes I’m silent,

But here I still am.

I love all the things that you do.

When there is doubt,

I just think of you.

You have allowed me to be,

More than just a quitter,

Free to be me.

Finding my way to more,

I’ll never forget you,

You can be sure,

A smile inside,

An appreciation for you.

Thank you,

Thank you,

Many blessings too.

Today I it is 49 months since I have quit smoking.

I feel a little ill, but will be alright..

To Joe

My story with you is rather short,

Five years of life gone in the blink of an eye,

A friend, a mentor, a grandfather past,

I knew our time to chat would not last.

You were there for me, guided me, and allowed me to grow,

The impact of which you never did know.

I only see you now beyond the pastures,

Across the lake I hear you in quiet laughter,

The part of me that knows the answer

To spiritual practice in everyday life,

Taking it all to brand new heights.

My friend you live on in all that I do,

Gather and climb, build fresh and renew,

At one and at peace a part of the call,

Safe journey to you at balance with all.

Thank you for the time in my life that we had,

Remembering it all makes me happy not sad.

For I wouldn’t change anything,

No regrets, no should have been, not one thing,

********************************************

I want to be in the moment clear,

To dance and sing and wiggle my rear,

Spiritually free to find the way,

The spiral path that I am on today.

Changes happen faster when you can see,

All the potential that there can be.

Listen to the birds sing, mystery,

The blowing wind through the bending trees,

The insects walking by on the ground,

The wisdom of life all around.

Wake to the beauty of the budding flower,

The fruits of life both sweet and sour.

Finding the passion in the simplest touch,

Especially so in those places we all love so much.

Keep the heart sacred,

Fulfilling and not wasted,

Sing, dance, be open, honest, respectful, and Free.

*****************************************

You can change the world one heart at a time.

Just be true to your self and you will do just fine.

Your action will speak of your inner nature.

Honoring spirits and respecting your makers.

Ancestors listen and taste your fears.

Walk with them daily, throughout your years.

They can help you,

They can guide you.

You can learn from their mistakes,

Their success and knowledge are the tools they make.

You can derive clues to your own path.

Discernment, involvement, evolvement, ride the waves and learn the past.

Opening up and finding the news,

Asking the questions about what to do.

Making mistakes, trying new things,

Go out on that limb,

Let your heart sing.

First Harvest

Eyes awaken to warmth and illumination,
Full and fresh, feeling revived and aware,
Sparked from the seed, alive with expectation,
Nourished, replenished, potential made clear,
From the air we breathe in and refresh our spirit,
From the water we cleanse and refresh our soul,
In the fire we purify and shine through the darkness,
In the rich earth we grow and balance our whole,
Father the Sun that shines bright in the heavens,
Mother the Earth alive dancing in the flow,
Together we live in a sacred balance,
Divine in the grove our heart center known.
Give rise to the power that we have been given,
Present and focused, beyond all that’s shown.

Awake in the garden of life spread before us,
The Sun touches all with a kiss pure in light,
Fuel for our lives, full of a song’s daily chorus,
We live in the presence even at night,
The reflection of all connected and shining,
Abundance made clear, Father Sun keep shining bright.


*******************************
This is the second time I am writing this portion of the blog. The first portion was erased when I went to go spell check. Fogive the misspellings, I don't want to type everything out again, I will probably leave some stuff out anyway.

This is a special time of year for me. Yesterday was my wedding anniversary, ten years, tommorrow is my grandparent's, I think 55. My sister's birthday is in a few days and it was a special present for me when she was born when I was a kid, I love her a lot. I quit smoking 4 years ago, we got our dog ten years ago after our wedding. It is also the dark birthday of Joseph. He died a year ago this week and was born into is next phase of being.

My blood sugar has been fairly steady during the day, as long as I stay away from extra sweets and processed foods. It has been strange for me though because I wake up with high sugar levels, it must be all of those sweet dreams I have. I am hoping to change my metabolism and loose some weight or at least replace some fat with muscle. I think I will feel better and if I can change things up, then I may not have to be on medications.

Update

There is a lot going on right now.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I woke at 3am and just laid there and went over all of the stuff that has to be done for PPD and I couldn't get it out of my head. I tried thinking about other stuff, but I still couldn't sleep. Perhaps it was nerves about my sonagram this morning. I drifted off for a short period and found myself in one of my flying dreams that I haven't had in a long time. When I was a kid it was a regular occurance, I could just lift up my feet and go, usually I had a hat on that I would grab a hold of. This dream was like I was swimming feet first in the air. I knew I was dreaming so I controlled my flying. It was interactive. In my dream I said, this is a dream so I can control this. I probably missed out on any messages or information from my dream because I was busy flying around hallways. I was starting to get pretty good when my alarm woke me.

It was fun having my cousins and aunt and uncle over for the 4th. I miss the family sometimes, but am still happy out here in Vegas. We did lots of things, went to the Chili Peppers and Weezer concert, went swimming, went to the sharks reef, showed them around Vegas, ate out, saw Penn and Teller, BBQed and played games. It made for a busy weekend, but well worth it.

Open dreams
Let the days go by
Whipering
Get up and fly
Sharing heart felt love
Blessings from above
Finding truth
Acepting why
Beginnings
Centered Strength
Focus brand new
I love you

I sit back this morning

Thinking of places that I’ve been

Remembering the struggles at times

The cravings that would never end

Then I remember you

How you touched my heart

Guiding me along the way

Just by being who you are

Depression, anxiety, the urge to go back

Missing a piece of me

Learning from the mistakes

Finding where I’m at

Taking life day by day

Living just to be

I can’t go back to where I’ve been

I have come way too far

One step at a time

No matter what

Today I’m alive and doing well

Right now I am doing fine

Today marks 47 months smoke free. At almost 4 years it is a new world that I look at. You don’t think about all that much, the times I do it is the constant and habit I miss not the smoke, smell and taste. I go into the Casinos when people visit and they reek of smoke. I come home and my cloths and hair smell. I just bought a new car and it is nice knowing that no one has smoked in it.

I found out that I have 3 months to make a lifestyle change or I will be diagnosed with diabetes. I am in the pre-stages. It runs in my family, so I have to fight now before I am too late. It will be hard, but I will do it. I will treat it like my smoking quit and take it one day at a time and make the choices I need to make in order to see the outcome the way I want it to be.

Blessings to you all.

……….

On the quitnet forum someone asked about spirit and religion, I was feeling odd this morning, so I wrote......

The spirit is for you, religion is for the masses. Finding your center and balance can be a difficult one, but very do-able.

find some wonderful poems

take a slow walk

look around at the world through different eyes

you may find your not so far off

the birds sing a tune

what do they say

the wind blow across the land

have you felt it on your face

discovering a world full of life

you are on your way

can you quantify your feelings

when you see a child at play

when a dog gives you unconditional love

just for not going away

experience and explore

discover the you in all

finding pleasure in a small kiss

or walking through a store

where are you

what do you want

how are you today

check in with your spirit now

look at life in a brand new way

sorry, that just kind of came out. I am celebrating 47 months today and so far everything feels like a musical....lol.

But seriously, go sit in on a meditation, or go explore one of the hidden communities that are in your city. There are more beliefs out there than you think. Talk with them and have fun exploring.

Blessings in harmony,

Peter

Head Case

When will my heart break free,
Opening the way,
Following the Path to be.
My head is so full,
It weighs my mind,
Messing with the balance,
I'm looking to find.
Open my mouth,
The words don't come out,
Frustrating me more,
So that I want to shout.
Sitting in silence,
calming me down,
Heart centered focus,
Is where I am found.

I don't know why I don't have a voice, or anything to say. I just sit in distraction and don't feel inclined to fill the silence. I know it is tough to be around me when I get like this, but I don't know how to fix it. Is it lack of energy, what would help? Sometimes I do feel lost.

Who

Who is in the Toteg Tribe and what do they mean to me? Currently there are nine members to the Tribal council. I consider Traveler, Q, Aisling to be Aunt/Mother like to me. Stuart is not unlike an Uncle. JJ, Nahani, and Jaelle are like big sisters to me. I feel like I am the youngest of this close family. We have all known each other for several years online and were all family before Joe died. I would open my house to any of them. There are a couple dozen other Toteg members online and there are many of them that I feel I know fairly well. We are all a family. We have the same basic principles of life. We believe in our Tenets with cultural respect and integrity. Many of these people are married or have partners that have different beliefs, but that is the same with most families. It is hard to explain the connection that we all have. Some of us have big lumps on our heads from speaking without thinking, or trying to make something out of nothing. We help each other and walk together. We understand paths and differences that make us unique and wish for nothing but the best with heart filled love and sacredness.

We are Toteg Tribe.

Don’t look beyond my words,

Don’t read into my actions,

Know my heart,

Know my love,

Take comfort there.

Find peace and walk with me.

Don’t judge out of fear,

Inner strength, below and above,

Center your heart,

Calm your reaction,

Listen to what you heard,

Believe in you, us, and me.

Together we are complete.

Just a ramble

Not much to say,
I feel my mind closing around me,
Walking a line that seems painted by dreams,
Frustrated and unsure,
Mixed emotion,
None distinct,
Scream aloud,
Get a grip,
Hold on so nothing will slip,
Back to the same old thing,
Here I go again,
The cycle spins once more,
Crying and crawling across the open floor.

I am not feeling good right now. I am not sleeping well and my coughing is frustrating me because I can't seem to calm my muscles to sleep. My body wants to violently expel every thing that is not supposed to be inside of it. My mental fatigue is starting to show and my focus is gone once more. I feel like I am loosing the battle of control. I just want to escape for a while. Sleep a sleep unknown by me in recent memory.

later

Believing

I wrote a bunch of stuff and just deleted it because it was too wordy and I don't think it got anywhere.

Positive thinking isn't necessarily disbelieving what information you are given, it is just taking what info you have and guiding it into a direction that is where you are headed. You can overcome somethings and push them into the get more info so I can understand more when I get there, but it is tough to train yourself to not take what little info you have and run with it in a this is it type direction.

Making things happen as you go is different than coming upon something and changing it.

Denying signs are showing up wouldn't be positive thinking, just denial. Say you are seeing an immune system throw on some kick-ass armor and whipping some butt and beating it into submission is heading in the right direction. I have found more things manifest when you are there working it while it is happening. Control and manifest what you are paying attention to through your intention. Set an intention and pay attention on how to make it happen.

When I used to canoe on some pretty wild rivers, I would get into this zone where I would just react and even predict what was going on without question. Going in between rocks that destroyed other canoes. For some it was like we just went through them or where let through for someone more tastier or too analytical. Some of the greatest experiences come through play and moments of clarity. Get into that groove of knowing what is going to come up, not just wanting a specific outcome.

I have helped heal by taping into the energy that is all around us and seeing it do specific things. I have also seen things that didn't want to go away and just grabbed a hold of them and ripped them out.

I have probably just walk around in a circle and mumbled to myself, so I will get back to work and hopefully I can put into words what I am trying to say some other time.

Vernal Equinox

This past vernal equinox was very special to me. I learned some things about my self and I was more aware of new connections that I have started in my steps along the spiral. My celebration began on Friday. I made a choice to be by myself and let myself be at peace from all of the burdens that I place in my heart. I spent some time in reflection and I meditated on my life as it is now. I saw all of my paths, all of my dreams, all of the spokes of my wheel, and looked to see if my holes where really holes, or just new places to store possibilities.

I woke Saturday with a charge and ran to the DMV to observe others in their reaction of confinement and chaotic order. I spent an hour and a half of chosen impedance to register new vehicles and pay my luxury tax for the privilege of moving faster from point A to point B and to give myself more choices in life’s activities. It becomes fascinating to watch people who are set upon a purpose and awaiting their number to be called with as little interaction with others as possible. They contemplate life, their day, the why’s and the what-for, money, property, jobs, clothes, opinions of others, family, but are any of them contemplating Spirit? Can they see themselves and others as the beings they are? Can they face the moment they are living, or because they don’t want to be there, are they seeing the moments ahead or behind? Can someone be spiritual at the DMV?

I left there and stopped by a little store I saw while driving around. It was filled with art, statues, fountains, furniture, and many other things from different countries in the Far East. Thai, Chinese, Japanese, Korean and many other cultures represented for your eyes to discover. Some items where very old, some where new, but they all spoke of their journey. The shop had been broken into the night before and an officer was filling out a report while I looked around, the sense of security and hope was transformed into anger and fear, I left sending them peace and love in their personal rebuilding process.

I went to the dry cleaners and talked to the owner about their new home and listened to a child play and send her baby to doctor and play with her friend. The joy and innocence of play in its pure form was touching. I then went and met a friend for lunch, talked about Pagan Pride Day and shared in the discovery of unique stringed instruments. We ran all over the place looking for tools and materials to make them playable. The time slipped by and traffic delayed me and I missed attending my tribal equinox ritual so I went to the Dance of Sacred Balance and took a journey into personal discovery.

I looked into myself and brought the focus on my polarity. I looked, breathed, dance, voiced, and saw through the eyes of the Sun and the Earth. I saw the strength, the power, the forceful, the passive, the passion, the fire, the rhythm, and made clear choice in my perception. Switching from one to the other, joining and separating, noticing my reaction both physically and spiritually showed me the parts of my self that I sometimes neglect to bring to the front and show the world around me.

I felt a special touch from the Sun and the pull to bring more of the Sun into aspects of my life. Being of both the Sun and the Earth, I must strive for the balance and be strong in my connection to them. I have spent time in my connection to the Earth, Mother knows my heart. I must give time to knowing Father so that I can know all of me. I must keep the heart sacred. I live in the desert and am a part of it now. If I do not know the Sun in this place, I will not be in balance. This last year allowed me to taste the transition from the Midwest to the Southwest. I must now embrace it. During the next few seasons I must have the strength to focus and discover the neglected portion of myself that is the Sun. It is the time of birth and transition my spiral must turn.

After the Dance of Sacred Balance I decided to imprint my spiritual needs in the form of a new tattoo. I combined the various aspects of my life right now and derived a symbol that meets my needs. I combined the Toteg Tribe symbol, the eight spoke wheel of balance, and a new protector in my journey, the turtle. It shows the union of the Sun and the Earth in the sunrise, the spiral journey of the golden, the balance of the directions, the turning of the wheel, and set within a protector and companion. My next tattoo was going to be a soul catcher with the heads of polar bears, but I decided that it will come at the right time and right now this is what I need.

On Sunday I did mindful work and then picked up my wife from her journey at the airport. I then went and joined with others in the celebration of the equinox and discovered the fairies in their child state. Everything from simple joy to pure intent, I watched them discover the hidden fruit, saw them demand attention, watched them give freely, they played and lived truly even as they tested boundaries and personal will. There was even wonder in the glimpse of the child in the gathered adults and big children. Love was shared from the core to all and the transition to a time between was quite refreshing. I have never interacted with the fey of the world, to me they were always just a step into the fantasy and not into perception. I had felt that I would rather interact with the birds, insects, rocks and trees, and less into the workings of such things. I was happy to glimpse the world of the fey. They became a step more real to me. Perhaps in time they will touch me more. For now I will communicate with the spirits and continue on my spiral.

Thank you to my family, my tribe, my friends, and my love.

Arise and awake

The Sun shines and the day is new

My heart awakes to life once more

Shift upon the axial

Balanced for a moment

The rise and fall of the cycle

Adding in harmony to make one

Propagation and creation

Only stillness in the finite distance

Move back and see it all

Push forward and let your light be one with the Sun

All must change

All must transition

Allow yourself to raise your face

Greet the heart with open arms

Let the dew absorb

Listen to your needs

Accept them as they come

You control the print of what you can be

Don’t be afraid to adjust and push on

The Sun shines and the day is new

Arise and awake

food

Taking the seed, the fruit, the essence

Planting it, loving it, creating the way

Sharing, caring, giving, needing

Transformation in the heat of the day

A moment, a season, a cycle, a turn

Stretching through from momma's clay

Possible, probable, the solution is solvable

Consume it in or give it away

Second Tenet

The Toteg chat this last Tuesday was on the Tenets. They went through the second and third one. I was late and missed the discussion, so I am going to touch on the second Tenet. I will start doing these on a regular basis here to keep them in our sacred hearts so that they can help us in our growth and understanding. I started discussing them last year and only discussed the first Tenet. We can discuss any of them at any time so please bring them up if you are so moved.

I guess I will start by going through words or a couple of words and then expand.

We know that all things are children of the Earth Mother and Sky Father, and thus we are all related.

We – Toteg Tribe, people, ancestors, not just the I, many, multiple, not you and they, together

Know – didn’t just read it somewhere, live it, apart of us, it isn’t just an understanding, personal truth

That – A statement of what we know, declaration We know that

All – Encompassing, collective, everything

Things – matter, material, not just people, descriptor, what surrounds us, what we have understanding of,

It is a difficult word to pin down to a specific, perhaps we should discuss this further.

Are - Plural to IS, a bold and declarative statement, We know that all things are

Children – product of, a relationship, an association, derived from, reproduction, genetic

Of – caused by, separated but same, composed or made, connected, identification

The – used singular or plural nouns, one, identification, title, proper, class identification

Earth – the third planet from the sun, the land, the soil, the productive part, temporal, substance, lair, the ground, realm, our relative understanding, matter

Mother – conceives, gives birth to, raises, nurture, female parent, female ancestor, woman of responsibility, an origin, love and tenderness, biggest of its kind

And – connection, not just one, multiple, in addition to, union

Sky – above, the heavens, the highest, upper most, the expanse, celestial

Father – male, parent, ancestor, originator, prototype, leading, begets, nurtures, seed

And thus – therefore, consequently, in this manner, product, equals

We – all of us, inclusive, all that is indicated, Toteg Tribe, the things

Are – statement, declaration of the product

All – each together, it applies

Related – being connected, associated, common origin, harmonic closeness, kinship, family, ancestry

So we as the Toteg Tribe know, live, understand, that everything that surrounds us, the people, animals, plants, organisms, everything associated with this planet comes from the relationship and union of the Earth and Sky, the Mother and Father.

This is a huge statement of beliefs. Is “things” the correct word in this statement? There is an implication of physical and tangible, and in context it works. If we start talking about other planets and the celestial we have to expand the definition of Earth to mean matter not just our planet. The Sky is inclusive of the Sun, the gases, everything above the solid.

I know that there are lots of things we can discuss here, so let me hear it. This is just one way of analyzing this Tenet. What is yours?

Gentle Reminder

I will finish my accounts of Mysterium and some poetry created during shortly. I just wanted to express a couple of things before I have to spend the day working like crazy to keep up with everything at work.

Work and schedules and tasks that we have or feel we are going to have add to our complexity of life. Most of us would like nothing better than to do the Arts, the Sciences, the Healing, the Entertaining, the Feeding, and anything else that peaks our interest as the moments change. We work hard to get to the next phase in our development so that we are relieved by the burdens that society places on us. Many feel that they don't get paid enough, or don't have the money to do this or that, or they must sacrifice some other aspect of their lives to live and survive in an ever changing world. There are few that have manifested their vocation to be at a level where they can do everything they dream of doing.

When life seems extremely stressful and your mind feels like it is going to break with the burden at hand take, a moment in pure oneness. Within our hearts we hold an alter to various things, it could be Mother and Father, God and Goddess, Love and Kindness, Spirit, Self, Vast Awakening and more. Pause for a moment during extreme stress and let yourself be washed with connection, oneness, love, and know peace. Know that in that moment you have no need of anger, worry, frustration, stress, hatred, fear, doubt, disharmony or anything that upsets your balance. You are allowed to breathe in the strength of your heart. Silent your mind for a moment and hear the sounds of life, even those that you do not normally hear. Reach out and let go of your boundaries. The moment of clarity and stillness is yours, you just have to take it. When you have taken your moment, then look at the task at hand and do what is required. What is it that is required of you? Can you do your task at hand with your whole self and with loving kindness? Is your emotional state overwhelming your mental and spiritual sides? Calm your waters and allow the air and the fire within your earth burn towards transformation. When there is too much of one part, the solution and the problem may not balance and more work will be needed. You don't need a bucket of water to pore on the match, the match can go out by either burning it self out, the right amount of air to blow it out, buried under the sand, or put into the water. To pore on the bucket would then require a mop. Be cautious though and watch the match go out, because it could turn and use the air and the earth as its pillars and grow to the point that a bucket would not contain enough water and complete change would occur.

Silence the worry, work with your being, and show loving kindness to all.

Blessings in harmony.

A week of new beginnings

So much has happened this last week that my words will only scratch on the surface of my experience, so bare with me as I try to recap a week of elemental change in my life.

Monday I attended a healing share at the Tantric Shaman Institute. It was their last gathering in the Wonder Dome and I wanted to be around some healers for a while. The night started with some general grounding and centering and an explanation on what was going to take place. There were many people and so there was laid in the circle 5 receiving blankets where people would lay while others worked on them. Scattered around where the Tibetan singing bowls and bells. The whole idea as I saw it was that the people around the outside created and maintained the healing circle with sound and distant healing. The people in the middle would transfer the healing to those laying on the blankets. After a while people would rotate and give and receive as much as they needed. There was a candle and smudge to clear and break your connections if you needed them. I enjoyed it immensely and the only problem I had was giving to people lying on the floor. My legs and my back make it uncomfortable at times, so much of my healing was through breathe, sight, and sound. Lots of distant healing occurred, although I did work on a couple of people. I enjoyed being around healers and seeing the different methods at work. I felt wonderful and I will enjoy attending again when they set a place and time.

Tuesday evening was a Desert Moon Circle ritual to honor the divine within all and to begin the year with harmony and love in the Mother and Father. The circle of the year began and I felt blessed to be apart of it. The connection with each of the elements felt strengthened and I enjoyed the interaction with this tribe of people.

Tuesday and Wednesday I spent the days down in Bullhead City starting up their PLC network. It was frustrating at times, but the drive was wonderful and I finally got to listen to some music that I have been wanting to hear.

Thursday was a potluck for Mysterium. I got to meet a bunch of people and listen to some inspiring music.

Friday was the Mysterium Witch and Wizards ball. We opened up the weekend and danced. It was my third Candledance and I felt wonderful being there.

Saturday began with a talk on Kabalah from a wonderful woman, mother, and practitioner. I enjoyed the interaction and it felt great learning things from a different perspective. We then listened to a fascinating talk on the Magic of words. The Connection between the different religions of the world as well as the Thelema perspective felt like I was seeing and listening to a touch of life in a form of purity. It was well put together and I was very happy that I was there. Later we discovered the element of fire and were engaged in transformational practice.

I will write more about all that transpired when I have a little more time.

42 months

As the days go by you remember
All of the struggles that got you to where you are
You take it all in
Wander the road up ahead
Look all around and you will see
The vision and the wisdom that has come
Open your arms to the sky
Spin around and discover your feelings
Hear the wind
Smell the dreams
Touch all your boundaries
Beyond sight
Take your flight
Discover new possibilities
You are free to send
This doesn't have to end
Apart of everything
Hold your head up high and sing
Let it ring
Let your heart be a peace
For today you can give in to your dreams
Make the most of the day
With nothing left behind
You can walk without the fear
Let your problems disappear
Sharing love
Your heart will light the way

Celebration of 42 months smoke free.....
Thank you, me

To Charles Kipp

Even if I knew nothing of you,

Those at your side would show me your heart.

Even if I had never met you,

Those from your path would change me for life.

Even if I never touched your gifts and your spark,

My heart would still ache from your passage last night.

To see such a spark carried by those all around,

Ignites my desire to see where it is found.

Your life has been tempered and gone through the fold,

From strength in your wisdom and stories you’ve told.

Beyond the fear,

Beyond the unknowns,

Sits the oneness that exists in the hearts of us all.

I thank you for being,

I thank you for sharing your part,

Blessings and guidance,

In the journey to start.

Walk on in the sacred,

Continue with ease,

Free from your burdens,

Beyond all that we see.

Enter with your wisdom,

With your love,

Knowing more,

Guiding light,

You live in our hearts.

Safe journey,

Pleasant nights.

Simply overwhelming

Christmas and the New Year are so hectic right now. Yesterday we spent the day getting rid of over 110 gallons of water from our living room. The inspector should be coming tomorrow to tell us exactly what happened. Then we have to fix it.

Got blessed by a Tibetan monk
Attended an OTO mass
Attended DMC Yule
Went out to dinner for Xmas eve
Opened presents from family
Ordered a new violin bow and strings
Ordered an exercise ball and bands
Supposed to fly to Colorado on short notice, living room flood caused me to screw over somebody at work and send them
Back hurts from bending, lifting and twisting
I need a drink!!!!

In a few weeks, I will send out the call for help for Pagan Pride 2005. I have to put together the committees that I want to run things. Basically list out all the aspects, see if anyone wants to take it and run.

Learning from Nature

This is my topic tonight for tonight's Las Vegas Pagan Information Exchange. There is so much more to say, but I don't want to bore them. I want to do a group meditation and just talk. I will try to start with this and then hopefully we will break free from it.

Learning from Nature

Our Awareness of Nature

Nature is a non-verbal reality except for humanity. When we describe something in nature we use our abilities to share our perception. The problem is that in describing it, we are limited and many times disconnect from it. We lose the wholeness of it because of our limits. We often get into short cuts with our relationship to the natural world. We separate our awareness from the world around us. We lose interest, or things become so common place that we take things for granted. We go through motions that we have learned to work. We drive or walk around and only see things that catch our eye or have specific interest to us. Think for a minute that nature is like the words on this page. Most of the time we just speed read right though what is in front of use. We look at the ideas and try and comprehend what we are reading. That is fine for the most part, but more and more the words disappear, the letters are pressed together. We know them and the individual letters are not important to us anymore. As a child or someone learning to read, each letter and sound was a discovery to us. We were delighted in our ABC’s. We took a step in our development. Our awareness changed and more of the world was opened to us. Letters formed words, words formed sentences, and ideas could be shared in more than one form.

Let us take some time and open the awareness to the world around us.

We really have not lost our connections to nature. It affects us every day. It shapes us and works to live a very active life. When you stop and look at the world around us you can see how active it really is. The wind blows, the ants search for food, trees soak in the sun, flowers deliver their intoxicating aroma, even water and rocks are active parts of the world around us. Listen to the traffic, hear the ice-cream man, hear the conversations in the restaurants, and see the lights and the patterns unfold around you. Learn the vibrations of life.

We need to develop our base connections to nature. They are our foundation and base. If you don’t think they are, then hold your breathe for 10 minutes. Don’t drink or eat anything for a week. Nature sustains us. We are connected to our core. We can not forget it.

The thing about learning from nature is that we are so connected that nature can teach us things about ourselves.

Nature is the groundwork for which your path, your goals, your purpose derives itself. Take the time to interact with the nature around you to create a solid foundation so that you can take those leaps and bounds without stumbling.

Let’s take something that we see around us here in Las Vegas. Take the Palm tree. There are many different varieties. Some Palms are tall, some are short, and some have many trunks. Palm leaves are different as well; some have long fawns that go all the way to the trunk, others have leaves that look like a fern, some have a bunk that group together like a fan and have a stem that goes back to the base. Palms survive by absorbing what they need to survive. If they grow too many leaves, those leaves die. If you plant a group of them together they will grow away from each other so that they can all share in the sun. If you damage the lower part of the trunk or the main root, they will die. They have a shallow root system, is it because of the ground it lives in. That ground has to have a specific alkalinity. If it has too much acidity, it will die. How did the Palms get here? There is a debate of the origins of the first palm in the valley. There are stories about a traveler who planted them. There are also stories that there was a variety that was here already. The Native Americans of this area have mixed views of it. Some say their grandparents used them and there are paintings depicting them. Other want the Palms removed from native lands because a white man from Phoenix planted them. Can they tell us about ourselves and how we populated this area? How do they propagate? Some have flowers, some have roots that make new trees, and some grow fruit and have seeds.

Take a look at the other trees, flowers, bushes, cactus, weeds, and vegetation that are both naturally planted as well as planted with a specific purpose by humans. Why are they the height they are? What feeds them, waters them, lives in harmony with them? Why do flower have the smell and look they do? How do the plants survive and spread their seed?

You can look at animals, the species, their characteristics, their habits, how they adapt to different things.

Take a look at a rook and sit with it a while. How did it get to be the size it is now? Why did you choose that particular rock? How does it feel, are their any features to it? Is it one of many, it is by it self? How did the dirt get on it? If you move it, can you really ever put it back to where it was? Does it help keep the dirt from blowing away? Do insects have to go around it? Do they live under it? When it rains, does it change? Did you trip on it and then kick it or throw it? Does it resemble or remind you of anything?

There are so many questions that you could ask many different things. Being non-verbal you are only going to gain a certain amount of knowledge from it. It may teach you things in ways that you can not express.

We can move on to events and things that are larger than earth, plant, or animal. How about a sunset? Have you taken the time to feel the sun setting, or even rising for that matter? If you close your eyes during can you know when the sun will rise above the mountains or drop behind them? Temperature changes to your skin, sounds that change, are there any feelings that you get.

What season is it? There are many signs and signals that indicate the season. What is the phase of the moon? How busy is the strip right now? How busy will it be in the morning? How busy will it be for New Year’s Eve?

Many things affect us as we go through our daily lives. We see a funny bumper sticker, hear a song on the radio, listen to co-workers complain, sit and rub your family pet. Anything and everything has a connection to us. Even things that you may not have thought about can affect you. How can we describe our relationships and be mindful of our actions and reactions?

There are whole sections of science that are seeing the world in a different light. Some of it indigenous people have know for generations. We have learned from them and developed in a whole new direction only to come back to what they have already told us. People have known about medicine, the interaction with the land, the existence of other realities, the effects we have on our communities.

Quantum Mechanics and the relative theories

Co-creational science

Ecological Psychology

Energy Healing

The Natural Medicines

Scientists have noticed how connected we are with the world around us. We can use this to develop our relationships. Most of the physical sciences deal with the large physical world that is around use. We see the large actions and reactions and the doctor treats you for the symptoms. But when it comes to the small and very fast they lack the ability to become relative.

Quantum Mechanics, string theory, and science on the atomic level are showing us that actions, reactions, time, space, and dimension can all change and are changing in any given moment. Our will, our reality, our awareness can be more affecting than we have given credit to. If you throw a ball and bounce it off the wall, you observe and know that it will come back to you. You can do it the same way and you would expect each time it would return. But did you know that there is a possibility that it would go through the wall and keep going as if the wall wasn’t there. On a small scale, the possibility grows even greater. There is also the possibility that not only with the ball bounce back, but it will also keep going. There are experiments in quantum computing that show both can exist at the same time. The potential for future computers to have 3 states and not just 2 that current computing that traditional physics have developed will allow science to do computations that they currently can not do. Quantum Mechanics have changed the understanding of the atom.

Co-creational science is unique in that it uses nature as a partner in the experiment. Most of them are chemist who now sees that in order to create materials that both are solutions to a need, and are in balance with nature. They have made fertilizers and acrylics/plastics that are made of the same hydrocarbons, but are connected differently. They are forced into a form that creates an imbalance with nature. Nature doesn’t want it back and has a difficult time breaking it apart. Take a look at a landfill and you can see it. Many lifetimes will go by before a fix will be able to return it all into elements again. Co-creationist want what they do to take on a form that is in balance, so they consult nature in every aspect of the process. People can commune with the land and figure out what it can grow, where is the best places to plant. What the land needs in order to grow. Farmers have been doing it for a long time, but for scientist, it is something new and it even relieves a burden that they some have felt. Are you evolving, when you are creating something that could destroy the land that you live on? In waste-water treatment, there are active organisms or “bugs” that eat the waste that is being treated. They require a certain amount of waste and oxygen to live. It is a delicate balance. Too much oxygen and they reproduce too rapidly and they overeat and starve with the given amount of food. To little oxygen and they can not reproduce enough to eat the waste. The same goes for different wildlife preserves and forests. We have confined them to a specific space and so that limits the growth and density of the animals and vegetation.

Ecological Psychology studies people and their environment helping them adapt and balance. It looks beyond the standard medication and chemical treatments to balance a person and looks for other things to help or what things can be eliminated to balance a person.

Energy healing constitutes many practices. Basically a practitioner opens up their awareness and lets themselves become a channel for others so that energy and needs that are not being met can be helped. They can sometime sense needs and requirements by using their awareness. Some practices use the practitioner’s will or intent to make changes or remove blockages that are preventing changes from occurring. The brain, the acids in the body, the nervous system and chemical make up can do things that are sometimes unexplainable with our current understandings.

Natural Medicine practitioners are people that try and help by using natural means, herbs, needles, manipulation, etc. to bring about the natural healing processes of the body.

People around us and our connections to them

Do you see how we affect each other? Our moods, our reactions, our life makes an impact on others. It could be direct, it could be subtle. Our car breaking down can change our course as well as those around us and those connected to us. Smiling at someone can change them even if they don’t react right away.

Other things that affect us:

Family traditions

Our community, the physical, the spiritual, the connections

Techniques that can allow us to open our awareness:

Grounding and centering

Meditation

Eyes of a child

We can extract wisdom and knowledge from the nature around us. It is there and serves as a base for us to grow upon. It is a foundation. We all have many different paths and methods to use as tools for our growth, but we can not forget the basics.

Paths to the same place

There are many paths in life. Many of them lead to the same thing. The journey and the road to self discovery is an amazing thing. Yes you can learn from books about the different types of approaches. There are many guides to ritual and approaches out in books as well as teachers who can help guide you. In reality, you only need your awareness. If you want to know about something, or the way to do something, ask. If you want to know about the sun or the trees or the land, then simply ask them. They are great teachers. Humanity is almost the only vocal creatures, so you have to open yourself up to really know. Experience your life. Find different groups, or events, or classes and take them and learn. Listen to your thoughts, your feelings, your breath. Discover the connections that exist in all things. I have enjoyed many books about many subjects. High Magic, earth magick, alchemy, shamanism, philosophy, physics and different sciences, different religions, but they all end up leading me back to my Self and the discovery of my wisdom, knowledge, and truth. There is no right or wrong way to approach life and personal understanding, just allow people to discover their own way. Help if you can, love all you can, make decisions to move along your path. Take your time setting up the groundwork, pick a goal, and learn on the path. If you discover that the goal has changed, or the path is not leading where you want it to go, take a sidestep and build from there.

Ritual is a tool to focus, communicate, understand, and involve yourself in the process. Rituals can be simple, complex, made up, or looked up. Sometimes you learn that others have spent a long time developing a recipe to do a certain thing, sometimes you need to develop the recipe. If you truly understand what it is you will, you may have already done or accomplished it. A ritual may not be necessary, or it must be. It all depends on you.

Just some thoughts.

Blessings in love and harmony,
Bear

We are one in the Spirit.
We are one with the land.
We are one with each other,
As we circle hand in hand.
Together we'll spread the love,
And share it to the end.
For we are one with each other,
And we are one with the land.

We are one in the Spirit,
As we spiral though our lives.
We are sharing love together,
Inner wisdom full and bright.
Connecting we'll center ourselves,
And create a brand new light.
For we are one with each other,
Ever reaching for new heights.

Science and spirit

I find it very fascinating that the more highly developed our science gets the more it models the science of indigenous cultures and traditional ecological knowledge. The emergence of quantum theories have caused western traditional science to take a step back and look at the whole picture and not just the mathematical and empirical evidence that was the driving force in modern science. Agriculture, medicine and pharmacology have used indigenous science as stepping stones, but now they are trying to walk on their own. They are finding that life, the physical and spiritual have more of an effect than they previously deluded themselves into thinking. Co-creative science and quantum theory make observing and natural relationships actual variables where before they lumped them into a fudge factor that made everything work.

As an Engineer and a spiritual being, I enjoy watching the play unfold that has described the thoughts and ideas formulated in minds since the beginning of rational thought. Our contemplations have been repeated over and over again with many different perspectives. This latest surge is only difference in approach, not of something all that new. We are developing our own cultural science of this time, much like many other cultures have done in the past. We reason and rationalize the world around us. A virtual world and the modern travel conveniences included in our communities and connections have helped to identify that we are just more complex, and our view points have had many influences and not just those of local families and the land. Together we are using the tools that we have developed in modern science to further our understanding which in the past was not always the case. We used to borrow and steal from other cultures and force them into our point of view. Thankfully there have been some efforts to allow different cultures to develop on their own, but many are so influenced that they have made many changes, and so wisdom that had been learned through traditions and testing over many generations is gone and must be rediscovered in a different context and on our own. We must again become the observer and learn through our awareness.

There are many discoveries ahead; we just need to allow ourselves to accept the things that are beyond our grasp in our current understanding. Enjoy the experience of life and take it all in, not just what you get from your senses, but every connection that is who you are.

Thoughts

The connections of ecstasy and love & awareness have been growing stronger. The breathing technique for connecting my left and right have helped expand my awareness as well. Healing of my back has been up and down, but I am better than I was before the surgery. I still have to be aware of my limits and not push so hard to be completely healed.

When I lay down, I find myself seeing a shell build up over me. The pattern creates in a spiral, and as pieces to the pattern of a turtle shell. As soon as it is complete to the center the connection from my sternum to the back of my head just opens up and grows like a long tube. The fibers are woven together like the Chinese finger cuffs. They really get locked together. Most of the time I end up being content in that state and don't travel. I should probably get a drumming tape or finish my rattle so that I can take my queues and let go. Perhaps I just need to get a tape recorder or CD recorder and sit and drum for an hour myself. It is tough working alone. I think that may be another hang up that I have. For the longest time I have been having a problem accepting the abilities that I have and allowing myself to do them on my own and without guidance or a teacher. I find myself being the perpetual student and not allowing myself to be the practitioner. I see everything as the learning experience and that is fine, I have had many teachers and that is fine, but I just have that step of doing what it is that I am guided to do and let go of the hang ups that my brain wants to throw in. It is that art of letting go that I see as my next hurdle. By not having a group that I weekly, or monthly just experiment with and let go, I have problems doing myself. Maybe that is more of my hang up, I don't really need anyone. But I find I like the company and support. It is tough only having a virtual spiritual family. Maybe I just need to grab somebody from my tribe and schedule times to do our own things at the same time, separate, but together.

Updates and thoughts

Hi everyone,
I seem to be recovering pretty well after the surgery. I started feeling better very soon afterwards. This week on Monday and Tuesday the pain was so small I almost said I felt great. Yesterday and Today I have been a little sore; I just think that I got so excited about feeling good I did a little too much. I forget to baby myself and feel pressed to pick up the slack that I have given everyone around me. There have been so much happening at work that I find myself just sitting for hours on end and don’t get up and stretch like I am supposed to. The company let someone go this week in my office and I felt bad about it. As a project manager I keep thinking that there should have been more I could have done to help him get his act together, but they said that this was coming and he had so many chances to make it work that they couldn’t do it any more. I liked the guy, but his work ethics did suck. Even though I was away for a week from the office, today the company told me they are very happy with my performance and made me employee of the month. It is nice timing considering next week is my yearly review and bonuses are coming. So who knows, I might get something extra for Yule.

Two days after the surgery I went to one of my friends here who teaches classes on what she calls Tantric Shamanism. I have been having lots of problems grounding and even going into an ecstasy. It felt like I had some connections mixed up and I couldn’t leave my body because it would be attacked if I did and so too much of myself felt like it had to stay behind. Other things also felt like they were wired wrong as well. So together we decided to do some work together for a little while. She help guard me while she drummed and I left to go visit with my helpers and allies who have been neglected lately. When I left, she said that sure enough something pretty nasty tried to get at me, but she said it wasn’t getting into her space and she fended it off until it gave up. While I was there I me up with my old friends who are a purple polar bear, a bumble bee, a raccoon, an eagle, and a few new ones I had never seen before. The new ones I met where an alligator and a turtle. They said they had been around for a very long time, but that I never noticed because all of us others were always moving around and never in one place very long. We had lots of fun talking and they all got lots of hugs and rubs. When I came back I knew that I had been missed and I know that I have to maintain my communication with them. Turtle even said that he wanted to help me even more than he has in the past without me even noticing. He told me that he will come and guard me in his shell while I journey so that nothing can get at me. I had never even thought about turtle magic even though I am a very earthy person and my uncle was apart of a turtle clan in his tribe in Okalahoma. Anyway, I accepted his help and have felt very secure ever since. My friend suggested that I get a little tattoo to secure our bond. My next one was going to be a soul catcher made of purple polar bear heads, perhaps I can put the turtle in as a connector. I would love to have everyone connected together. I will ponder it.

So let me get back to a basic health update. I am sore still in my back where the cuts were made to get at my spine. The pain that was crippling me in my leg and hip are all but gone. There are a few ghost pains that pull and bug me when I am trying to sleep, but for all intents and purposes that pain is gone. I on my way to being back to where I was a year or so ago at least. In about a month, I should be able to begin strengthen my back and begin physically to become more healthy and exercise on a consistent basis. I pulled back from the community after Pagan Pride Day this last fall to try and heal. Now I can start again and dig in again much deeper and perhaps develop some spiritual connections with others in this community. In two weeks I am going to lead a small discussion on practicing a natural religion to a little group. Perhaps later I will teach a small Reiki class. It will be nice to be able to move again. I just have to take my time and let myself heal and not rush it and injure myself more.

I didn’t mean to ramble I, I just started typing.
Thank you for your wonderful thoughts.

In the morning when I wake,
I look around and smile,
The visions that I take,
Relax and begin to compile.
Plug in my feet,
Connect to life again.
Lay into Mother’s field.
At one,
Relief
It has been a long while.
Listen to the breeze,
Hear the voices sing,
Prayers again complete,
I send my love to all.
Soar above, around,
Make that joyful sound,
Smile even more,
Create the next open door.
So high, and so long,
Melt the morning into song.
Flying to that next embrace,
Begin the next step in a life long race.
No end and no beginning,
Never losing, always winning.
At one,
Relief

Two Weeks

It is hard to believe that it has been two weeks since my surgery. I am feel better every day. The first week was hard, the next week had its ups and downs, but in this third week I feel like it will get better soon. Prolonged sitting still bothers me, but I just force myself to get up and stretch. I think after another two weeks I can start to rebuild my back muscles and then I can get out and be active again. I can't wait, I miss everyone.

We had a Thanksgiving lunch out at one of the resort hotels where my wife was working a program. We spent an enjoyable lunch together then she had to work so I went home and relaxed. I called the family back in KC and they were doing pretty well. My dad left on Friday morning to come visit and drove here in two days. When he got here Saturday night we were floored. He said that he was tired, but once he hit Kingman in the early afternoon he decided that he wasn't going to stop and just drive through. He will be here all week. If I hadn't had surgery, I would have taken some vacation time to spend with him, but I can't so I hope he keeps busy and doesn't regret coming.

He seems to like the house and likes where we live. We shall see what he plans to do all week while we work.

Watching the rain come in,
I see the thirst and hunger deep,
The sounds of inner melody,
Break free and open wide.
Silence fills the stillness,
Holding tight to the comfort,
Reaching for another dream,
In a long and sleepless night.

Back at work

Well my vacation is over. Taking a vacation to have surgery is not a very fun way to spend the time, but so far it seems worth it. The pain in my legs is almost all gone and the pain in my back seems only to be surgery related and not the pain of a bad back. I got my stitches out on Monday and got a further explanation as to how the procedure went. The doctor said that the original bulge that was shown on my MRI back in April had grown. They used the laser to cut away a channel so that there was room for the buldge to retract away from the nerve. They dye tested the disk above it where the small tear was shown on the MRI and found that the disk had gone from tear to a rupture. The dye was leaking and swirling around, so they used the probes to seal things up.

I am having the hardest time with sitting. After a while the pain around where they cut into me gets more and more intense as the day goes on. I just need to heal the wounds from surgery and I will be pretty much healed up. Then I can get back to having a life. I am glad that I only have to work the rest of the day so I can have more time to heal without sitting. It looks positive that I had a successful surgery, only time will tell.

When I close my eyes and see,
All the beauty deep inside,
Of that old familiar face,
That struggles to be free.
Each moment that I waste,
Trying to decide,
Changes possibilities,
For things I have never tried.
Reach out and take the hand,
Of the soul within your grasp,
Walk along in harmony,
Discover wisdom and smile wide.
Love and awareness,
Has become my fine new key,
Connecting them in my ecstasy,
Researching within my dreams.
Soaring for the skies,
Grounding pretty deep,
Growing close to my mother now,
Without her I never would be.
Feel the weight and the solid step,
From the bond of a new found friend,
Listening to the movement,
We share a place again.
See the paths of our creation,
Hear the growth of the trees,
Open your heart to all the love,
Will it, so will it be.

Been awhile

I have not felt like writing anything for a while. That is bad for me. I should be writing all the time. I have just been too wiped to do anything that would be normal. I am excited about my surgery on Monday. I have a little bit of nerves, but that is normal for anyone who is going to the doctor to get cut open. I really want this pain to recede. It clouds my mind and consumes me. I have only given myself over to it a few times, most of the time I fight it and push it away. Who wants to hurt all the time. But when you push it away and don't except it, it comes back with a vengeance and it really messes with you.

Happiness is fleeting and I only seem to get moments of it. I cherish them and miss them when they are gone. Finding contentment in my situations is still a chore. I want it to be better and I can make it so. I will be coming off my narcotics next week as I recover from surgery. My hope is that clarity will appear with the reduction of pain and the fog that is medication with clear.

Who am I but someone who wishes to enjoy the ride,
To see a purpose at the end of my moments,
To know that I am doing what I should be doing to get what I want in life.
But what do I want?
What glitters at the end of the road that I am on?
What drives and consumes my needs so that I can loose my regrets and live on the passion?
Where does the rose smell sweet?
It is right at the tip of my nose, or will I be disappointed and only see the beauty from afar.
The romance and desire that flows below the surface will come into being.
I will fly for a while and then rest my head.

Updates and thoughts

Well so far the surgery is still scheduled for November 15th. I go in on the 8th to get blood work and get processed. The insurance is being submitted and they have not denied it yet, so I am hopeful.

Work is going to be busy for the next few weeks for me. I should be busy till the end of the year. That is good. I don't want to look too far ahead, because unless a lot of the proposals come back it is going to drop off pretty steeply again.

I had a wonderful time at Carn-Evil. I wish I had been feeling better, I couldn't stay for a long time, nor participate in some things. I started hurting pretty badly and I am glad I got some energy healing, it was unexpected, but much needed.

Last night I ran a simple online memorial tribute for Joe. It was nice. I cried off and on, but it was good to share with the others that were there. I will be running a couple more of them for people who could not attend.

I hope everything went well for the full moon ritual. I wanted to go, I thought I was going, then after driving all day the pain hit me and I couldn't go. I guess I was not meant to share in the ritual. I had a gift all ready and everything.

Right now the plan is to go to a ritual on Friday and Saturday. We shall see and take it one day at a time.

I was thinking about happiness. When you are not doing what you want to be doing, can you be happy doing what you are doing? I spend so much time missing my friends, losing touch with them, and missing out on all of the community activities. I get upset and feel lonely. I realize that I can only do what I can do, and when I am better I will be able to do more. But that doesn't make it any easier. I get so preoccupied with everything else that I lose track of where I am at and what I can actually do.

The thought in my mind
Race through the abyss
spiral about
Despite what I miss
Connecting the passion
Like a first kiss
Let it go and be free
Centered and solid
Weak in the knees
The beauty around me
Longs to be seen
Pay the attention it needs
With intention well spent
Another day of battle
Weakened reprieve
Finding a shelter
That will take me right now
Suffer no more
By learning the how's

Reading a face in the rain
Feeling the touch of another's closed pain
Seeing the gifts with nothing open to gain
Letting the spirit forget and release all the blame.

ARRRG

I just got off the phone and the insurance company told the doctor's office that I couldn't have the procedure until after the 1st of November. So the first day they could get me in would be November 15th. A Monday near the new moon. I guess two days later is far enough. Now I have to figure out if my wife can get the time off to take me.

Hump Day

Well after spending some time at the doctor's office, I think I may finally get to have the surgery on my back. It will probably cost me a few grand in co-pay percentages, but it is worth it if the pain will reduce, even if only a bit. We are trying for the 29th. One day after the full moon. A great time for healing sense the ancestors will still be around and can help me through this. Perhaps then I can get back to being more of who I want to be and less of the whiney baby that I have become.

The flight of breeze blows across my face,
In the air there is a chill of knowing.
Coming to center from where I now stand,
Release from the fight that is brewing.
Awaken the mind of the spirit,
Invoke forth the rites we now need.
Share in the space of another's warm heart,
Loving and knowingly feed.

Mid October

Discerning what world you are in is a difficult challenge.

At times I do see it as, if you are going down to get there as in a hole, ladder, stairs, then you are heading to the lower worlds.

If you go up a tree, ladder, stairs, or project then you are going to the upper worlds.

When I first was thinking about different levels, I thought of my ladder and the different knots representing the different planes. But they can represent so many different things. To me from the bottom up the knots represent, elemental, instinctual, emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, and infinite. That doesn’t fit when you encounter someone or something. They could be on any level.

When I read some of the texts and it says you go down to meet animal helpers and up to meet spiritual helpers, but where are you when you are all together. For me it turns into, what level am I on and what mechanisms do I use in this level. If I am at an Atomic/elemental level, I expect to use fire, earth, water, air, and other elements to interact with and communicate. I could probably use tools of my mental and physical, but the most efficient means would be of that level. At the instinctual/ animal level, I would expect body language, eye contact, smell, hearing, and all of those tools to be of most efficient use.

Now, I am just a novice at all of this, but to me, the levels which you are on, dictate your most efficient actions as well as a majority of the forms which you will encounter. It doesn’t mean that those you are encountering are on that same level, or in that same form on other levels. I will see my purple polar bear friend in upper spiritual and mental levels, but not always in the same form as I see him in lower levels.

I have heard some say that while you are in your places you have seen all sorts of animals and also forms of gods and spirits. Why would gods and spirits be in the lower worlds communicating with you there if they couldn’t move around as we can. If they couldn’t move around, they would have to wait for you to visit them in the upper worlds.

The problem I find with this is that in each level you are on you can go up and down from as well. It is possible that we spend most of our time in the mid worlds, and just go to upper and lower mid worlds, not really going to another level. Then the spirits and animals of the mid world have full range both up and down.


Just thoughts.

I have not been very good at keeping this up to date. I just got tired of posting over and over again how miserable I was. Pain and more pain. I did manage to get a massage last Friday. Someone I have met a few times at classes, came over and worked my back over. I am having a real hard time not closing off my lower body because of the pain. I mentally break myself and don't pay any attention to the pain, if I can. But what that has been doing is causing more and more build up and I loose my grounding abilities and lose the energy tie back to my being. It is just hard to work through the pain all the time.

I have an advocate now for my health insurance. I am hoping that I can find out if I can have surgery next week, or when. I go see the doctor again today a 4pm. I don't know why, other than to complain some more about the pain. Until I find out about insurance, I am kind of stuck in a limbo.

Breath in the air that opens my lungs and gives a voice to sing,
Breath in the sun upon my brow and release my spirit to dream,
Breath in the earth beneath my feet and let it hold me tight,
Breath in the water to quinch my thirst with love that feels so right.
Blessings to one and all.

Nervous

Today is the day I go in for my colonoscopy. I don't think it will turn up anything, but I am still a little worried. I had a lot of trouble the last few days getting ready for the procedure. They had this colyte stuff to drink. I was supposed to drink about a gallon of it. I got through two glasses and then just started puking my guts out. Considering I have not had any solid food since Sunday morning pancakes it was not fun. The spasms really hurt my back and did not do will for my disposition. I hope I got clean enough for the doctors. I don't want to repeat the process if I don't have to.

I feel really negligent of not being around for my friends. I want to go visit them and talk with them, but right now I am pretty useless and really can't get out of the house. I hope they know that I don't mean to drop off of the planet, but I can only do so much and I have to work so anything else has to take a back burner to my health. I can't even go and spend the weekend at fall fest because there will be too much moving and I can't do it. Tomorrow I will start bugging the surgeon again about my back. I have to have something done. I don't think I can make it to march. I will worry about my colon right now and then get back to my back.

This sucks. It seems the only thing I write about is the crap going on in my life. It is depressing and does not make for a great read. If anyone was reading portions of this, I am sure I have made the worst of the blurbs list. Maybe I should go back to just writing poems and meditations and leave out all of the rest of this crap.

The day begins with the morning sun,
Rising up to reveal what has been done,
relief in questions beyond the words of expression,
Ponderings of answers yet to be remembered.
Who can call into view the missing perspective,
Ridden from the eastern shore?
Who can follow the jumping delusion,
Hold on tight and ask for more?
Experience the vision of compete release,
Lose control and be again at peace.

Just a vision

Somber is the floating wind
Upon the wings of the distant cry
Once a dream to find the end
Now prepared to just go the distance
Making sense of paths gone by
Instances more toxic than true
Windows into the open soul
Gather dust as cleaners seek the inner journey
Not giving in
Seeking refuge in the torrid mind of infinite resolve
Scattered hopes to relieve the pressure
Dawning light beyond the distant hills
Not giving in
Solving the puzzle key
Wrecking the mold
Dancing in the way of the fevered youth
Willing to work
Willing to try
Weak by comparison to angry friends
Simple by choice to feats of men
Active in the role of what has been made for me
Vision of the heath that is called to be
Composed from the form that spills forward unexpectedly
Created for all to see
Called for the turn in new direction

Stress Relief

I am glad that everything got out into the open about what was causing upset feelings. I am sorry that it turned out into more feelings getting hurt and friendships getting bruised, but hopefully they can be mended and things can be straightened out. Enough of that.

I am running around trying to tie up all of the loose ends and get LVPPD up and running this upcoming Saturday. The banner looks great, I am confirming the schedule today, and trying to get everyone on board.

I found out the other day that my health insurance doesn't want me to have the surgery that will help get rid of the pain. They are going to claim that there is too much pre-existing condition and they can refuse services for a year. They also said that the Doctor is covered, but his surgery center is outside the network. What is the point of covering an orthopedic surgeon and not the place where he works? So I am left with more and more drugs which decrease my pain a little, but impair my ability to go out, drive, and in general make somewhat of a normal life. I have to suffer during the day, take a bunch of meds at night and then just lay down and waste the rest of my day. What kind of life is that? I can't clean my house, I have to hire help, I can't do yard work, again hire help, I can't go to social gatherings, no interaction with friends, I am just stuck in my own little world with nothing and no control of anything. How do I deal with all of this? Hell, I can't even have a stiff drink, because I could have some major reactions to the medication and could die.

When the winds of the world wash over me,
And I struggle to gain control,
Thinking of things that can never be,
Leave me digging a hole.
Straight from the top of a big hill,
I ride and almost lose it all,
Ringing the bell of sanity,
Feeling so big and yet so small.

Path of frustration

I try to step out and see the path in front of me,
Hindered by associations, misconceptions, inactions,
To reach the potential in the moment,
The lessons learned too late and not clear,
Shed the doubt and reach the fear,
Noise in the background grows stronger,
Feelings hurt and left to wander,
Another day, another sunset,
Living true in personal reaction,
Breaking bonds to set myself free.

Sometimes it feels like you just can't win even with the effort and the understanding. For some reason the person who was hurt by the comments from others in a group that is helping with ppd decided that ppd must be held in contempt. There is nothing that I can do about it. I have tried reason and I have explained the purpose behind ppd, but it doesn't matter, this person is still going to spread the word to everyone they know to not go to ppd. In reality, I don't care if no one shows up. This is for the community even if the community doesn't want it. If it doesn't have a large attendance this year, then it will just reduce back to a simple picnic and gathering. I though myself at a problem and I keep getting smacked in the face. I will keep working towards healing this community. Even if I have to go at it alone. I have no choice. I am here and must do my part to heal and help this community to grow. If people do not like me or some of the people who help me then they will just have to deal with it, because I will not back down. I was brought to this community, my hands were placed here, so here is where I must work. To do less is to dishonor myself and my ancestors, cultural and spiritual. I refuse to be held in a fight without bonds or ties. I must be true to my beliefs and do what I feel is right, even if it leads down the path of frustration. If I do not help than I will never truly be apart of the whole, but something else and separate.

Another Friday

Things have been crazy the last week. I still don't know exactly when my surgery will be, I keep calling and leaving messages with scheduling, but they have not returned my phone calls. By the time I am done with work my pain level is so high I can barely stand to make dinner much less do anything else. I take the pain meds around seven and they take a little while to kick in, but when they do, my pain level reduces and it is not so dissabling. But I can not function much less drive anywhere. I am flying higher than a kite come 9pm. The drugs seem to work until morning so I at least get to sleep for 6 or 7 hours. If I took the drugs any later, I would not be able to get up and go to work. This sucks because I am not able to go out and visit with anyone. I am home bound. I hope that my friends understand that I am just trying to deal with everything and not leave them high and dry.

Today is the first day that I am back in the office with access to email and the internet. I have lots of people to talk to and catch up with.

I am excited about next weekend. Las Vegas Pagan Pride Day will be lots of fun. I really hope that people come and enjoy themselves. Because I have been unable to go out, I have had to do a lot of last minute coordinating my self. I cancelled a meeting on monday because the only people that were able to come were people that have already done their duties and I needed to talk with the ones who couldn't be there. I didn't want to waste people's time when they have already done so much. I had to make a bunch of phone calls, but I think I caught everyone. The trick now is figuring out decorations and getting all the signs completed. I sent an email out to everyone with a email blurb about LVPPD. I asked them to send it around, I hope they do.

I had to find someone to help me around the house and help with the lawn. I simply can not clean and take care of the house. With my wife so busy and stressed about work, I had to have help. I hope the person will come and do what I need. I am paying and hopefully it is worth it. She was recommended by someone I know, I haven't had time to find help, so if it doesn't work out I am just SOL. The biggest problem is the back yard. She says that she will mow and do yard work, but the grass is really high, and the is dog mines all over that have to be picked up. I will try and do some of it if I can in the morning before she get there, but I can only do so much. I wish I knew some more people that would like to earn some extra money.

Shoulder the load of a dreamers heart,
Mix in the love where it's found,
Holding the weight of opinions unknown,
No time to sit and take a break.
Relief from the heat of the battle,
Comes in the form of a hug,
Beyond the belief,
Of a journey gone by,
Feelings removed by a theif.
Stare in the eyes of resolution,
Calm down and go with the flow,
Stress of the day,
All flies away,
When the center is found again.
Strait from the heart,
Love for one and all,
Giving from me,
Is all I can be,
Is it enough or will I fall short?

Interesting

Yesterday at the doctors office sucked. I got there at 10 and didn't see the doctor until 12:30 then they were in and out and I didn't get checked out until after 2. The good thing is that they think they can do something for me. They think they can go in a small slit and laser the disk. It will burn away a portion of the disk and let the rest retract away from my nerve. They have to check with my insurance then we have to schedule it. It probably won't happen till the end of next month, but something is better than nothing. I managed to get new prescriptions for medication so hopefully I can reduce some of the pain in the meantime.

Last night I went to a class on recapitulation. It is a technique for regain energy and power that we have left in the past so that you can have that energy here and now. The whole idea is that in your life things have happened that have taken a part of your energy and still retains it. There were many examples given. One of them was a car accident. When you have one, you tend to freeze everything about the event. When similar situations occur again, you remember and get those worked up and it stands out within you. It could be relationships, abuses, religious notions, or about anything else that stands out in your memories.

The technique itself is rather easy, but it takes lots of practice to review those situations completely and take it all in so that only the dullest memory remains.

One of the things that I learned about myself is that I have many similar events throughout my life and it is almost a recurring theme that I really need to pay attention to. Most of the events take place immediately after a moment of pure happiness and connection. I have a feeling of oneness and connectedness and then bammm, right smack in the kisser. One of the earlier events happened while I was riding a bicycle with a friend down a very steep hill. I was sitting up on the handlebars. We were almost flying down the hill. I remember later taking that hill to school with a speedometer at close to 25mph. So it was probably a real stupid thing to be sitting up on the handlebars, but I remember being so free and happy, then I see a pothole, then I open my eyes a half a block away crying and see my friend with his head split open and then people running out of houses to him, the ambulance showing up and taking him away. I was standing there without the slightest trace of the accident. I got into a car with a couple of old ladies who took me home when I gave them directions. I have a huge blankspot that I can never get. I remember talking about it many times as I grew older in my parents church. I also looked at another accident when I was canoeing with my friend. We where riding down rapids and had just taken lots of them, people around us would get flipped, but we were having a blast just being one with the river. We got to this little run that we had done many times over many years, but this time when we were really rock'n and roll'n we hit a rock that flipped us, pinned us against the rock and bent the canoe around us. We eventually got out, I didn't have a scratch on me, but my friend was pretty beaten up. Then I thought about all of the different camping trips as I got older, I always got hurt. If it was at the beginning of the trip it was minor, but if it was towards the end, when I had made peace with the forest and had become truly happy, something major would happen. One of the last times, I actually fell down a 50ft drop when the side gave way with me standing on it. I slid for a while, got caught on a rock and then as I lifted up fell the rest of the way landing on my feet.

There have been car accidents where I was really happy and then something would happen. But the thing is I never really got hurt as severely as I should have. I would get an annoying injury, but it was always less than it should have been. Even the last car accident where I hit the cement barrier at 50mph, I walked away and even though I have back problems, it is fairly minor. I should have died.

There were many more incidents that I remembered lastnight, but they all had the same thing in them. There were perfect moments, then a disaster. But for some reason, I think the majority of my problem is the guilt in not getting hurt more. I don't know if just because I was in sinc with everything that I didn't get hurt, or if my guides just work overtime around me. What doesn't help me get beyond it is the burden that I have put on myself because I didn't get hurt. As I was younger I gave witness in my parents church about these events and others would talk about god and angels, and I felt guilty for reason.

Anyway, I noticed last night a repeating pattern and know that there is a lesson that I have not gotten over and over again. I will ask my guides and talk to the spirits and see if for the first time I can finally ask the right questions. I have asked about the specific events before, but not about the recurring theme and the lesson that I am for some reason missing. I hope that I learn it and can be done with this, because as I have gotten older the accidents have become worse and I barely escaped the last one. I may break the pattern and not make it if I don't pay attention.

Besides learning about the emerging pattern, I did learn a great technique, so I will be using it for many years to come.


When the time is right and the dreams come true,
Within my heart I remember a love for you.
A passing glimpse of a time gone by,
The day I broke and started to cry.
Images and visions of a time so pure,
Forever will my heart endure.
Balanced peace as I walk the path,
Regaining strength to be my self at last.
Touching my soul is a journey to grow stronger,
Lessons to learn in a time much longer.
Feelings from deep within finding a voice,
Allowing myself to make the needed choice.
Thank you for just being you.

Friday Friday

Well everything that I wrote for this post originally got deleted and so I bring you the second version that which is now gone forever.

Healthwise - not all that good, screw up with prescriptions leaves me without pain medication for a week. I hope I can handle it. Not sleeping well, so I am feeling tired all the time.

Toteg Tribe - Trying to come up with a new method of displaying the memorial service. not everyone has powerpoint.

Pagan Pride Day - Going well, going to have two meetings so that I can see everyone.

Poetry - lacking focus right now, so I need to write more, but find my mind less able to meditate right now.


Going to start a brand new day,
Have to look for another way,
Where can I go to run and hide?
Where can I escape the mess inside?
Full of compassion,
Missing reaction,
Walking the shores of a low in the tide.
I want to run where the sun shines free,
Waking to dreams of possibilities,
Here is the moment,
Here is today,
This is where my home will stay.
Fixing the dreams of a shattered storm,
Mixing the tale of a shadow worn,
So bends the night when I can not sleep,
Fulfilling the voice and breaking free.

Another Day

Yeah, my wife started work yesterday. I am so happy for her. I am having some jitters about PPD. I am slightly worried that there won't be a great turnout and that the people attending will have fun, but the speakers, tarot readers, and others will be disappointed. It is probably needless worry. I just want things to go well.

My mental well being is looking up. I don't feel so doom and gloom. I am still kind of bored at work, I still hurt, but my depression is at least stable. I have one more week before I see the orthopedic surgeon. Tonight I am going to an IEEE meeting. I hope to meet some more people in my profession.

Today is a day of new beginnings,
I start from the heart and go from there,
The center of my mind,
I hold with focus,
Leave the rest behind,
My journey tracks from here to there,
There is no end,
Does not have to be,
The comparison between standards,
Holds no value,
Embrace the unknown,
Discovery in every moment,
Truth in love right now.

What does it take to grow?

A while back a question posted asked what was harmony. There were many answers and some came pretty close to defining a good definition.

Now another question came. What does it take to grow? What single thing do animals, humans, plants, insects, and the rest of the life as we know it use? Without going into what other people have described I want to attempt to answer that for my self. It is a question that has plagued thinkers for all times. I could probably write a cultural anthropology paper on it.

One of my first thoughts is purpose. But do trees and animals have purpose? Do they have that drive to do what they are supposed to do? I am a seed. What is my purpose? To take the resources given me and to do everything I can to reach my potential. If I am given a rock or soil full of nutrients, it makes no difference. I will grow the best I can. If I am a rock, do I have purpose? I am to take what is around me and be the best I can. If I am given water, sun, compacted, thrown, broken, mixed, hardened, aged, it does not matter. I will be what I am to be. I will never be anything else. If I am an insect, I have a purpose to do a specific task, the best I am able to do with the resources available to me. If I am to gather food, I do what it takes without question or doubt. If I am a bird, I have specific traits and abilities to do the best I can with what I have. If I have to gather food, make a home, feed others, move, I will do it the way I do it because that is what I have observed that works for me. If I any other type of animal, I have a specific purpose, I do specific tasks with what I am given to the best of my ability in my own interest. If it will get me what I want, I will do it. If I observe a way of doing it better, or I discover something else that allows me to get what I want, I will do it.

Now, does that work with humans? When we have a purpose we do it and we find the best way to do it with our abilities. But, we have doubt, are we always supposed to be the best we can be with definite purpose? Why does it seem that at times we flounder and don't have a specific purpose? Is it because we are complicating the mix and trying to do things that are not up to our potential? Does that make us less likely to grow? Are we trying to much to observe others and do what they do? Why do we complicate things and constantly think other things will be more efficient? The simplicity of trying to be the most of what ever you are doing. To act with purpose and to the best of your ability given the resources available to you, I think that may be at least one way to grow.

Simplicity in the task at hand,
Focus and efficient means,
Adaptability through experience,
Doing because it is to be done,
Grow into your being,
Use your tools,
Use what is given to you,
Do it the best you can,
No excuses,
No regrets,
No past,
No future,
Now.
What is your purpose?
Are you doing it?
If you don't know,
What are you doing right now?
Are you really?
Now,
Don't worry about the future,
Don't worry about the past,
Do what you are doing,
With everything,
Simply because you are doing it.

what's going on

I am going to go see a doctor today about my mental health. There could be one of four things going on with me. I could be suffering from adult ADD, clinical depression, low testosterone, or simply my energy centers are out of wack and still suffering from tramatic stress from various accidents. I will go see the head doctor today and also try to set up a session with a shaman I know ASAP. In a couple of weeks I have a consult with an orthopedic surgeon to take a look at my back. I am starting to have pain in my other leg, which never really occured before, and the pain get pretty intense at times. Sometimes I feel like a real wimp because many people suffer through physical pain. I push it as far as I can and perhaps that is why I am not getting any better.

Taking a step in the right direction
Mixing the spell through contemplation
Digging deep with inner motivation
Looking around with expectation
Helping my spirit shine
Humbled by sense of time
Reaching out and making simple mistakes
Follow through with focus clear
Experience dances near
One by one no matter how long it will take
Waiting
Antisipating
Letting go and understanding
Simplicity brings out the hidden truth
Innocence of forgotten youth
Here I go to live another day
Again

Let's be a jerk

Lately I have been feeling pretty bad. I don't know how to deal with the pain in my back and I get frustrated. I want to retreat and be by myself and don't want to interact with anyone. Sometimes it is just hard. I am not by myself. There are others in my life that tend to get the brunt of my attitude and my angry grumblings. When I retreat and sulk I don't want anyone in my face talking to me, no matter what they wanted to talk about. Last night one of those times came up and my wife got the worst of it. I was done for the day, I was in pain and just wanted to lay down curl up and die. My wife came in to talk to me and tell me something. I answered her and then told her she could leave. To her it must of sounded like I was being dismissive, because it upset her and she got mad. I wanted to be alone in my pain, but because I made her mad she stayed where she was and continued to talk to me. I ended up getting upset and grumpy and lashed out with words to get her to leave. It was wrong, but I was not thinking clearly. I just wanted to be alone and said anything to make it happen. I finally managed to find a position where the pain was not too bad, and I just went to sleep. Now I know the pain is not her fault and I have a bad habit of not making what I want clear. I just don't know what to do most of the time. I go through periods, like right now, when I don't want anybody around me. I don't want to talk to anybody, I just want to lay there and cry. It may be depression, it may be me just giving up, I don't know. It becomes time like this when I don't like myself and I don't see the point of life anymore. It is hard to remember good times and moments where you get those "ah hahs". I am just skating through life and not really mattering to the world. It is all in my head, but those nasties are around me and I don't know how to deal with them properly. Perhaps I will find a way to deal, maybe I won't, but I will try. I love my wife and I hope she knows that, even here at my worst. She is probably the only thing keeping me alive. I forgot to take some pain medication this morning, so here at work I am kind of stuck. I will get some at lunch.


In the moments I am weak
I see right through the pain
Don't know what I am looking at
They all look exactly the same
In the moments that I am strong
The same can be true
Not sure what I am searching for
Just know I can make it through
Dedication, inspiration, motivation
Lacking simple education
Maximizing, criticizing,
No more socializing
Free from the bonds of my mind
No more endings left in sight
Find out now what is true
Sense of missing what's brand new
I fly never leaving the ground
I see the home where I am found
Go to the end and then come back
Simply float away
Relax and go today

Spirit Dolls

Here is my opinion on spirit dolls. Many different cultures use them. They can represent many things. They are a physical portrayal of the spiritual. The creation of the dolls can be a meditative and creative process that focuses your intent and allows you to be open for spiritual guidance. They can take many forms from actual human shape, to abstract and metaphorical image. They can be decorated with many things that help give it the essence and the spirit. Jewels, feathers, string, hair, paint, blood, markers, wire, or any thing else can be used. They can be used to represent an illness, a prayer, a season, a person, a spirit guide, a cause, or many different things. They are tools, like many things, that are valid if they come from within and not from other cultures. I think that creating them can be very fulfilling, but I would caution you to look at your reasons for wanting to use them. If you think that just because someone uses them within the Toteg Tribe than it is the Toteg Tribal way, then you are mistaken. I think that if you are drawn to them and research them and understand their fundamental purpose, than it could be valid for your personal spiritual needs. If you are doing something that is valid for your needs and you are not stealing from other cultures and you are respectful to the spiritual practice then it could be the Toteg Tribal way. Spirit dolls may not be valid for everyone. If it is not apart of your culture, and/or you are not directed to use them by spirit then you have no business creating them or using them.

Sing a song
Dance a dance
Ripped apart from the rest
Show your face
Hide the pain
Mess it up
Start again
Follow the direction of your nose
Where it will lead
You may never know
But wasn't the ride there fun

A new day

I was asked by the Toteg Tribal council to create a memorial service and administer it online. How do you honor someone this meaningful to me and to many others and be as inclusive as possible? I don't want to miss anything. I wish I new flash. I would create a movie or program that could be viewed by everyone. Perhaps I could create a slideshow or something.

To help me I created a couple of pictures that memorialized Joe. One was symbolic and the other was all of the photos that I could find. They help some, but coming up with a ritual is personally a difficult task. It is an online ritual and memorial service. I want to do a good job.

I was also asked to be the first Treasurer of the Toteg Tribal council. I have to go mess with the bank again and get another checking account. At least I know what to do, I did it for PPD.

My back still hurts and the next step is to see an orthopedic surgeon. I wanted things to get better so I wouldn't have to see one. It will be expensive and it will still hurt like crazy. I just get frustrated because I am severely limited in what I can do on a daily basis. It hurts to get dressed in the morning. I feel like a cry baby because people go through life with much bigger problems than what I have got, but my whole life will have to change if I don't get this fixed. I can't even mow the freak'n grass. How am I supposed to keep a house when I am stuck in bed?

Time to get refocused.

When the wall come closing in
I reach out to take hold
Relying on my spirit
To teach me this broken road
Balance in my sacred space
Begins within me
Change from harmful attitudes
Flying and being free
Today I journey to a new found home
Step aside and take rest
Answers are not always clear
It takes patience and resolve
To hear and obey
The visions come unannounced
The pathway makes itself known
Hold on tight and be at ease
Tomorrow brings a new day

Yeah for my wife

Finally. She has been looking for a job since last October. She was just starting to get interviews and we moved out to Las Vegas. She has been searching out here for four months. She met with 12 different companies and finally landed a job as the Assistant Director of Operations for a DMC. This relieves a lot of pressure off of me and should help to stomp on the depression that was starting to set in on her.

I am proud of her and knew she would find something. This is a different aspect of the work that she knows how to do, so it should be exciting. I am glad that an employer saw beyond and hired her.

Hail into the air in which we breath,
A rapture of great excitation,
The turning of the wheel is set in motion,
Balance starts to show from both ends,
Breaking the point which was in the side of caution,
Understanding and bending as emotion poured upon rational thought,
Creating the peace that internal precepts require,
Allowing new excitement to fill and begin again.

The next step

The mourning period is almost over with. In the Toteg Tribe we have three days of reflection, three days of silence, and three days of celebration. This is the first day back from silence. The days ahead look to be not so cloudy. Direction will come and with that understanding and wisdom.

Celebrate the life that is lived,
Quest for knowledge unbounded,
Released from expectation,
Acceptance complete,
Beat a rhythm so pure,
The skin crawls with anticipation.
Experience the unknown,
Forgive the untied cords,
Let the air hear your cry,
Grasp the thought and release it whole,
Share your burden to the dreamer,
Solve the puzzle of your self.
Be one.

Another Day

It has been a tough couple of days working through Joe's death and still functioning. I will probably have to deal with this for a long while. I have had several phone calls from people on the tribal council and it has been difficult to talk though this. I finding words hard to find to express the feelings that I am going through. Hopefully we will all grow closer in our design.

Between the layers of knowing
Come the understanding that more is there
Filling in the blanks
Escaping for a while
The process keeps rolling along
Dreams that almost describe it
Pictures removed from my thoughts
Finding a way to deal with it all
Creation from more than just sparks
The path that we wander is sometimes painful
We are scared when are steps become weak
Pool from the pot of experience
Make room for more things to come

Joe

In my heart I can't express,
The loss of a friend, a leader, a teacher,
That filled me, helped me, taught me,
To respect and know,
More about who I am,
Who we are,
How we stand,
How we connect to it all.
Functioning becomes difficult,
When the pain in my chest fills my emotions,
Tears me apart,
Reveals the frailty of it all,
The mask that runs so very thin,
Look out spirit world,
You have called home a handful,
Enjoy the company,
I sure do.


I lost today my friend and mentor and tribal leader. It is hard for me to function with the knowledge of this loss. I am going to have to go home and morn. OR I am going to have to swallow this and try and continue.



All wise and loving Mother,
All understanding and patient Father,
We give thanks this day for the blessings you have bestowed upon us,
We reach out to you and embrace your teachings,
So that they may guide us and help us in times of joy and sorrow.
Today we honor our family by honoring you and our Tribal Doyen Joseph Bearwalker Wilson,
We are thankful for his connection to you and your teachings,
So that we may become closer to you, gracious Mother, and you, kind Father.
We know that his continued spirit connects with us as his physical body returns to the earth.
We ask that you continue to teach and guide him in his journey as you teach and guide all of us.
In adversity as well as happiness,
With love,
So will it be.



It is real hard today to even think about Joe. He came into my life while I was doing some spiritual searching. I had lost my grandfather, I was full of questions, I was not finding any comfort in anything, I started talking to him and he started helping me make sense of my world. He was more teaching me to listen than anything else. I would have a problem with life and I would talk it out with him. He was a rough and gruff old man that just didn't have time for bullshit, so we could get right to the root of the problem and go about looking for answers. He always told me he liked my poetry. I would post it and annoy everyone else. I would catch him in the chat room just hanging out and we would talk for a while. It was nice just having him around.

I will miss him.

Yeah for me

I celebrated 3 years of quitting smoking. That is not very long, but it means a lot to me. I still think about it sometimes and have to tell myself no, you do not want to smoke. Wow my life has changed over the past three years. I have moved, changed jobs twice, gotten involved with many groups and have made a little more peace with my self. Oh yeah, I almost died a few times.

I remember my celebrations of 6 months, 1 year, 2 year and all of the little reminders along the way. The journey was a learning experience and I enjoy the life I now lead smoke free.


Been down that road many times before
Lessons learned, I am now restored
Closer to my spirit
Closer to my Self
Made peace with my chosen path
Living now to make it last
How many roads did I walk down before?
Frustration and confusion, there had to be more
I tried so many times
I cried and moved on
Never completely giving up
Till I could do it no more
When I finally let it go
I felt so much relief
Walking out to the end
Finding wind beneath my feet
I can not forget where I have been
I will not make that mistake again
I will have more to show
Than a life full of defeat
Friends have helped me see past my faults
They have reached out and lent a hand
I will not fail for them or me
I will not except a defeat
I will continue to be me
I will be

Another Day

Yesterday was our anniversary and we went out for sushi. I am not a fish person, but I like shrimp, crab, lobster, so I just had some California rolls and some tempora. We had fun. We tried something different and enjoyed ourselves.

My wife is pretty sad over our dog's toe loss. Our dog had to stay overnight at the vet because it was worse than we all expected. She is flying high on morphine, so she isn't in pain right now.  We will pick her up later and we will have to bring her in every few days to get her dressings changed.

I am not sure what to do about the whole gym thing. I have to lose some weight for my back. It may not solve my pain problem, but it couldn't hurt for my physical health. The thing is, I get home everyday from work and I hurt. I have to lay down, or I feel like I am just going to burst with pain. How can I go to the gym and workout when I can barely move. I am kind of mad at the doctor because of the cost of treatment. The last two shots cost me $1300 and that was after insurance covered 80%. How am I supposed to get any care when I can't afford it? I have been racking my brain trying to figure out how to solve this. Should I take up yoga, or Marshall arts, or some movement based exercised, or do I just work on muscles of my upper and lower body and try to strengthen what I have. I don't like drugs, but now I am forced to take pain meds to bring down the pain so I can work or even get out of bed. This shit just sucks.

Today is a Reiju day so I will focus in and pick out any available energy sent out by my Reiki peers and hope that it helps.

My wife will find out if she gets the job with the university today. I spend a lot of time trying to send out positive thoughts to counter her negativity. She has been hurt so many times that she almost feels defeated before she even goes after the job. I sort of understand her mood, but she has to believe she is going to get the job so that everything will fall into place. I want her to be happy and because she isn't it, upsets me. I don't know how I can help her. I will just keep trying to help.

Today I make myself renewed
Believe, rebuild, resolve, restore
Make a peace inside that is new
Find a place that is really true
Mold a form to hold much more
Create myself within a view
So that I can be again
Complete
Whole
One
A vision within and without
A place that is my temple
My santuary
My Self

 

Anniversary

Today is my 9 year wedding anniversary. We have been through a lot a things together. We have both needed support at different times and have come though some pretty rough times. I also quit smoking 3 years ago. I made a promise to myself that I would live as long as possible to be with my wife so I had to stop contributing to my destruction.

Today we had to bring our dog into the vet and have a toe removed. She had a tumor or massive infection that is eating the bone. She is in lots of pain and the only thing to do is to remove it and all of the infected tissue. Hopefully she will feel better and heal quickly.

The dreams we create,
The possibilities we explore,
The experience we enjoy,
Push at the open door.
Share life with each other,
Show truth to one and all,
See meaning in simple beauty,
Give of yourself and so much more.
When life gives you struggle,
When everything goes astray,
When you can't seem to find the answers,
Know a balance is what you crave.

 

Preparations

I have been creating a ritual to use for Pagan Pride Day. I just felt like writing it yesterday. I posted it to the rest of my Tribe and they seemed to like it. I have made some slight changes, but overall it reads well, I will spend some time thinking about it and deciding what to do from here.

My eyes have seen the vision of a love that is so pure,
Welcome to my heart in an embrace that is so dear,
Strength to heal my wounds when the cause is still not clear,
I hope to win the battle and remove all of my fears,
The truth will open doors and set my spirit free,
I will trust and openly play.

Another day

In a mix that brings about change
My life runs free
In a vision that directs me where to go
I hunt to make it complete
In a dream that connects the waking hours
My search fulfills my needs
Absolutes are no where to be found
Balance in all awareness brings
Cast aside my doubt and worry
Today is the day of a new found journey
Unknown goals find footing here
Lead by knowing without it known
Stretch and pull my limits bound

 
My back has been giving me lots of problems and I am still not sure what do do about it. How much money do I have to throw at it? There are limits to the pain I can stand. I am hoping that the energy work keeps helping. I am still searching for that internal balance.

Another day

Had a pretty good night last night. Went to a class on psychic healing. It made me miss the interaction with others and I want to get together with people and do energy work exchanges. I used to go to Reiki groups all the time, I enjoyed giving and receiving. Who knows if anything will come of it right now, my plate is pretty full, but I need to move in a healing direction so we shall see.

My mind hears the songs of the spirit,
Mixing the colors of the tune,
I see many waves as the tune sounds free,
A drop on the pond of life,
Silence changes the void that was at home here,
The rhythm of the energy at play,
Gentle is the voice that calls to me,
The unity of life sharing the one.

Decisions

There are many choices in life and so far I have not made many of them. Most of the time things sort of fall into place and the ride has been pretty bumpy. I have not had to really choose work, I didn't have many options. School came and went without much choice. I have not had that many job assignments that I had a choice about. I did make the choice to run PPD. But now I seem to come to another cross road where I actually get to make a choice, and I of course don't know what I want to do. I have no follow through. I get up to a brick wall and sit down rather than find a way around it. I think that is what separates the great opportunities from the existence that we call life. I have no seize the moment type of life. I get up, go to work, fill in the time, get off of work and do what I need to do until bed. With my pain, I don't really have too many options anymore about what to do after work. I have to lay down. I am so wishy washy these days. I need to find my voice and listen to it.

Open up your heart and sing,
Find the answers to most anything,
Listen for the bells to ring,
Don't let life pass you by.
In the air there is a feeling there,
A surge of thought behind a cold hard stare,
Mixing voices that are not there,
Hold on and give it a try.
Listen to your hearts desire,
Pit of emotion on an open fire,
Speak from personal truth and not a liar,
Live a life that forces you to try.
Think deep and wonder why,
Hear your heart at night,
For it is probably right,
Look deep with all of your sight,
and live.

Today

Well, I got my approval from the State of Nevada to be legal and practice engineering. I just had to take a little test on some of the laws and send them a big check. I will mail it out tomorrow. My wife is still in the running for two jobs so I hope that she has a shot at least one of them. She deserves it and it should happen for her. Things are progressing for Pagan Pride Day. We have a meeting at my home on Wednesday. I need to get on the ball and finish putting out on paper everything that we need to go over.

Sometimes my head aches,
The bar across my chest breaks,
The thunder in the afternoon sounds strong.
I never know until I try,
To find the answers that fly by,
My dreams will tell me which direction I should go.
Leave me alone tonight,
I don't want to share in a stupid fright,
My words seem to cut right to the bone.
Pray for me and love for me,
Hold me close within your sight,
Don't forget me when you go to sleep.
Tonight I shed a simple tear and am weak.
The strength will come and I will feel complete.

Yeah it is Friday

I am glad the end of the week is here. Yesterday sucked. I was finally busy at work and had to leave because my wife's car broke down. I ended up having to replace the battery because the shop couldn't get us in. At least it is fixed now. We went out to a wonderful restaurant at Paris and then saw Jubilee, the topless review show at Bally's. I am not sure that the show will be around in five years. The show catered to the older adults and didn't have anything that would appeal to the next generations. My back started really hurting last night. I felt like I could feel the grinding of the bones. I hope I am not worse off than I was a few weeks ago. If I don't get better soon, I may end up having to have surgery to fuse the bones together. The out patient surgery is not working. I am hoping that I could get some meds so that I can function so I can loose weight and get my life back.

Flowing through the motions,
My life has come to be,
Mixing with emotions,
A fantasy waiting to see,
Coming out of frustration,
I want to embrace it all,
Slow and steady pace,
Listening to the call.

Another day

I don't know what it is, but I do things and don't really think them out. Last night my back was hurting so I took some meds then got ready and went to bed. I didn't even think about the fact that I had my inlaws over and that I didn't say goodnight. I just left. I was consumed by my self and didn't think. When my wife came in she asked me why I had left and didn't say anything. I hadn't even thought about it. I have been zoning off a lot lately. I start something and then my mind wanders off into who knows where and I find myself uninterested in what I was doing. That has to stop. I have to focus. I am not getting much work done and I have to be as productive as I can be.

Concentration close at hand,
Stopping short of my fellow man,
Arrange the flowers of the land,
Release the burden if I can.
Run across the morning,
The sky is filled with love,
I can't believe the frustration,
My heart feels, I have had enough.
Listen to the footsteps,
Across the open floor,
Who will share my gifts,
Who else will I ignore.

Hug

A hug and a tear from my heart,
I send out my special need.
Overwhelmed with sense of fear,
Energy that leaks and bleeds.
Balance me now,
Awaken my heart,
Compassion, turmoil, distress.
Give out my breath in desperate resolve,
To heal this pound of flesh.
Hold me close in this hour of need,
I will share with you my gifts.
Passion to feel the changing tides,
Desire that burns the skin,
Touch that heals the wounded soul,
Releasing the freedom within.
Feel the burdened relieved,
Cryout in the waves of release,
Know the smile within your sight,
The eyes within to see.

Another day

I had some more shots yesterday in my back. They hurt. They also caused one of my legs to be weak. The actual pain from the injury was masked by the pain from the shots themselves. I think there was an improvement, but I couldn't be sure.

Today I am going to set and receive an attunment to Karuna Ki, another healing system similar to Reiki. It is a western system and there are more symbols involved. Perhaps the connection will help in my healing process.

Out to the Sea,
My heart does reach,
I struggle to teach,
The spirit in me,
When can I,
Let myself be,
When I try,
I feel complete.

Independence Day

I had a pretty good weekend. My back hurts a lot, but I try to ignore it as best as I can. I made up some hamburgers on the grill and we at with my wife's folks who are in from Chicago. We went out to Lake Las Vegas to watch the fireworks. We didn't get to park close so we just found a spot on the golf course and watched from the soft grass. I really enjoyed laying in the grass. It has been a while since I had done that.

We drove out to Lake Mead yesterday and enjoyed the scenery. Then we went down to the MGM for a little while.

I am tired,
I am weak,
The body aches,
It is hard to sleep,
How much more can I take?
The dreams are fleeting,
I can't concentrate,
Which spell can I make?
Whirling and twirling within my mind,
Peaceful surrender that I can find,
What will it be?
What has come over me.

Meds

I have been taking some hydrocodone to help relieve the pain at night. When I wake up I am actually pain free for a while. I don't like taking the meds, but it helps. I can see how someone might end up addicted to pain killers.

I spend some time every morning doing reiki on myself and trying to calm myself before the day really begins. I sit outside and watch the sun come up and listen to all the neighborhood bird.

I have been thinking about getting shells as a gift for everyone at PPD. Perhaps the natural spiral would be taken to heart when explained.

One spiral at a time,
Connecting the world since life began.
Welcome to the pattern,
That life seems to provide,
Not knowing which road to choose,
It will all work out fine.
Spiral paths that we all take on,
Mixing truths and aspirations,
Finding a way that works for us.
Balance in cycles,
Freedom in our choices,
One spiral at a time.

The day after the shots

I went to the surgery center yesterday and got 6 shots in my back from L3 to L5.
The pain dropped 20% immediately, but started to come back at 7:30, then this morning I felt more than 50% better. It is starting to come and go, so I am not sure what to do next. Maybe they will give me some drugs and I will just start an exercise program.

The day has begun
It seems to feel like fun
I hope it will not be undone
By the past

When will my life be free,
Can it truly be up to me,
Decisions that I make today,
I hope will benefit someday,
But what about now?

Pain

Today I go in for some shots in my back to help figure out where my pain is radiating from. I had to stop taking any meds for 5 days prior to these shots. I never realized how much some medication now and then was blocking out pain. It makes it hard to concentrate. Hopefully today will help. I don't care what I have to do to get rid of this pain, it just sucks.


Pain for me,
Has become the norm,
I am broken and beat,
I have weathered the storm.
When will my skies clear,
When can I stop the tears,
I don't know how much,
More I can go.
Develop in me the strength to move on,
Show me a place where I can be strong,
Heal my heart, it is heavy hung,
I miss the days when I could function.
What does it matter if I am in pain?
I am the only one its driving insane.
I can't share wisdom,
I can't share power,
Drained from the battle,
The latest this hour.
I will be strong,
It is expected from me,
Healthy blessings,
I will gather to me,
I will pull my spirit,
I will sing strong,
I will pray for safe passage,
I will move on.

Spirals

<< What is the spiral path, and why is it a spiral?

There are many ways that I look at this to understand it. If you look at a path then normally you go from point A to point B, but in our lives it is not necessarily the destination that we are trying to get to, but it is about the journey itself. When you approach something in a spiral you get to view all sides of it before you get there. Also, approaching something in a spiral is the same approach you would take to approach an altar or something sacred. It allows you to see beyond, to create, to be. When you are on a spiral path, you can be expanding out, or you can be focusing in.

<< What does this have to do with Toteg Tribe?

There are several ways that this fits into the Toteg Tribe. It is in our make up, all of our past influences connect together to get closer and closer a description of who we are. We are on a journey or path that we should look and feel and experience that is every bit as important or more important than our destination. We approach our sacred spaces like the spiral with our vision both inside and out, feeling and knowing, allowing balance and clarity to form.

Take a look at the cycles of life, the seasons, the years, and they constitute a spiral. On the calendar a year passes, on the watch a day passes. Each time they cycle around they are the same in position, but yet we are not the same. We have come full circle yet we can never be where we were, we have changed. Our life spirals out or in depending on how you look at it. Our planet goes around the sun, but even the planet is not the same when it returns to its position. In life we go through different patterns, they are similar, they seem to come full circle, yet they are different and not quite the same position.


Spiral together one and all,
Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall,
We cycle around, but are not the same,
We can never return to where we began.
Each year older, each minute more,
A pattern emerging like never before.
It is the journey that exites me.
From where I stand,
I can taste the flow across the land.

Ho Hum

What a last few days. I spend all day yesterday in Mesquite, NV. I was restoring a PLC (Programmable Logic Controller) for the Waste water treatment plant. Their PLC went down and they had literally Shit flowing everywhere. They had no back-up of the program and so they were stuck. Luckily I was able to get them going again.

Today I walked around with General Electric at the Clark County Water reclamation District. It is hot out in the Cement Desert.

I have also been doing a few things with the Pagan Pride Day project here in Las Vegas. I almost have everything covered. Now it just takes everyone I assigned duties to do them.

I may have to do some PLC programming for other parts of the area. I don't mind doing them, but I was trying to be involved in the Design and Project management of things and not so much a field person. I can do it without problems, but it is not always the most fun thing to do. Oh well, more things to make me billiable and get into the grind of things.

Spinning wheels around the spiral,
Can not return to the same cycle,
I am not the same as I once began.
My needs have changed and interest has risen,
I am doing the best with what I am given,
I must now ask for that helping hand.
Mix the most within my boundaries,
Flourish a spirit to all it can be,
Making the most of all those changes in my plans.
Cool breezes are hard to come by,
The most I can do is just try,
Toss the dice and see where I will land.
The scheme is not so grand.
There is more going on inside this spiral of life.

Last night I wanted to take my wife out to buy a suit to interview in. It turned out to be a disaster. We couldn't find anything she liked, she felt like I was putting the clothes she had down and my back started hurting so bad it was difficult for me to walk.

The clothes she has are just fine, I just thought buying something new would be nice and give her an extra boost of confidence. I wanted to buy a suit because she doesn't have one and the place that she is interviewing with would probably like here to be in one if she got the job.

Sometimes my lack of communication skills really bites. I mean well, but I often have problems getting my point across.

Spinning minds that can't reveal,
The simple pleasures of mass appeal,
My voice will falter and my knees will shake,
I fear myself making simple mistakes,
Confidence is my biggest foe,
I have been broken more times than I know,
Building myself back has been my task,
I will be myself, finally, at last..

June 22, 2004

Nerves awake with fired thoughts,
Reluctant to pass,
Eager to please,
Hesitant to face the fears,
Acceptance of my ability,
Past confidence is shaken and stirred.
Where is that power of voice?
Grounded below,
Burning above,
Grasping at the tail,
Turning over in my head,
Resolved to experience,
Must face the unknown,
It has been released.

The past

Welcome to the morning sun,
A new day starts as the year has begun,
Mystic mountains and golden dreams,
A new beginning for my life it seems.
A brand new path my choices make,
Who knows where this journey takes.
I sit and ponder as I drive the desert sky,
The sun beats down his watchful eye.
I move along to where my mother and father meet,
For now they are the council I keep.
We speak in silent prayer this day,
Remembering life in a brand new way.

I have begun my stay in a new city, on a new path with my Sky father and Earth mother.
They have carried me safe to a new land of dreams and have shown me beauty that carries my thoughts in prayers of thankfulness to be alive and awake again. For as I continue to grow within I walk with my spirit rising to the sky and learning again that I am apart of it all and even though I am a small portion to other’s lives it is with my growth I contribute to the whole. So in a spiral truth and harmony, renewal is at hand for my journey continues towards a new horizon.


It is interesting how much different the flora and fauna are in this region of the world. To me the visual effect is stunning. Right now everything is a bit cold and you can almost feel the desert landscape shiver. The light moisture of the snow a bit ago has cut down on dust and items in the air and the hardness of the Earth seems to be even harder right now.
On my way into town I stopped at Grand Canyon Caverns along Route 66 in Arizona. Besides being a tourist trap, the cavern was fascinating. I have been splunking in Missouri and have seen my share of caves, but the dryness of this cave was amazing. They said that there was a 6% humidity level that is drier than any other area in the world. It had wonderful crystal structures lining the walls. Everything in there is in perfect preservation because not even bacteria can survive in there. One thing that I really found neat was that Air managed to get into the cavern from an area nearly 45 miles away. It filtered in from the grand canyon and yet they can only go back about 200 ft and then the path is too small.

I am going to enjoy become apart of my new home as I was back in Kansas City. The language of the land will come to me, I just have to continue to listen.

Spoken words in a silent shift,
My senses rise as I lay adrift.
Daylight breaks into my heart,
Shattering a distance, worlds apart.
Whispering dawn over a mountain tune,
I say goodbye to silver moon.
The land awakes around me near,
Open heart to a pathway clear.

May the walk of today spiral into your heart with love.

Daytime moon over horizon west,
Breathless still in a stunning silhouette,
Red Rocks pop in the morning sun,
Morning drive for a day begun.
Excitement prickles,
Sensuous allure,
Visual ecstasy,
A vision so pure,
Wonderment in a heated dream,
A faceless stranger,
Love creating stream,
Mixing pleasure in the palm of your hands,
Open myself to a new found land.



Coming from worlds apart,
Assumptions we make,
Are tearing away,
The chains of my heart.
Open minds to a different view,
The chances we take,
Are shining today,
The cultural mixing stew.
I want to eat from the fruit of life,
I hunger for questions,
Sing to sky,
Knowledge unspoken,
Yet strong in a point brand new.
Who am I,
At a time when I am so confused?
The beam from a battle,
Scared from my way,
But open now to you.
I can speak my part,
In a world so lost,
Ready for a start,
I will be right here,
Never far away,
Always seeing clear,
The path of a dream,
Open arms for you,
I will shelter away the fear.




Guide my hand and open my heart,
Find within me an honest start,
Reaching out to involve my whole,
Trust my Self to discover and know.
Play with me on this spiral path,
Loving arms in a gentle bath
Radiate a peace and balance within
In which the product will heal and mend.
No worries I share and harmony I bring,
Quiet the journey I long to sing,
Work in focus, strength so clear,
A mental awareness shall come forth this year.

As I have come full circle and focus once more
I shall honor my self and remember my lessons
So that each day I come closer to opening my dreams
And guide them into clarity.




Guidance comes from deep within,
A silent voice that may elude us,
If we listen close we will hear the call,
A path to walk on today.
Questions come for all who begin,
A mixture of things to trust,
If we shall hold our beliefs at all,
Or throw them all away?
Awakening comes when the sun has risen,
A breeze with a sent of must,
If we breathe in deep we can smell time fall,
It sends us on our way.




Sometimes we lay at night
Searching for the answers,
Sometimes we wonder why
Solutions don’t have easy chances.
Lessons that we learn
Leave behind messy expanses,
Looking left and knowing right
Losing all our direction.
Find again that hunger deep inside,
Food of knowledge that heals the balances.
Falls apart if we step aside,
Forcing us to follow.
Knock on that hidden door,
Know yourself and nothing more,
Knowledge kept down deep inside,
Kneel down your walling pride.
Today we walk the guiding path,
Take tomorrow from relearning the past,
Tortured soul that is wanting life,
Tell yourself you will be alright.
May the Mother and Father bless you and keep you in balance
May you see the divine in all things
May you no longer thirst
May you feel the fullness of a loving heart




Sit out on that open field,
Send out the touch on how it feels,
Melt with passion let time fly by,
Mix of power to reach the sky,
Focus fill mind’s mental mist,
Freedom found a generous gift,
Stretch awareness and see it grow,
Sing a prayer of what you know,
Divine within can shine far and free,
Develop harmony and let yourself be.





Today the mind is strong and the body weak,
Messing with my harmony I always seek,
I ask for guidance in a peaceful mind,
I walk my path with the past behind,
My muscles ache with deepened tension,
I open myself without apprehension,
My lesson revolves so again I reach,
For questions to ask so I stop this repeat.

It seems that every six months my body decides to
Irritate the nerves in my back. Two years ago was my
Accident that changed my life forever. My death and
Rebirth opened my heart to the beat of the Mother and the
Father. My physical pain is nothing compared to the
Divine that has grown within me. I am thankful for who
I am for now and forever.






I am still filled with pain, yet I am still here,
My mind doesn’t stop; my visions are all clear,
I can live only in moments,
I can walk in my dreams,
My whisper has a powerful focus it seems.
My search will continue,
I can feel the day pass,
Knowledge of the healing,
This pain will soon pass.
My pain lights the flame of my focus right now,
The flame kills the pain and renews all my vows,
As I burn to the core and dance with new light,
I shall regain a new balance and all will be right.



My open mind and heart shall be
Ever wild to soar and fly free
Into visions the spiral dance
Mix it up and take a chance
Hunger focused the knowledge strong
Still open my self to being wrong
Who can say they are always right
The vessel impure is out of sight
Perspective view to understand
Life direction on a master plan
Spiritual focus within my Self
Understanding what I am dealt
The love I share to all I know
I give it freely and watch it grow
Unknown factors always at hand
Do my best in all I can
Living now is what I strive to know
One small pebble in life’s peep show
I do my best to do my part
Strive for the essence of dreaming art
My journey is always close by
I know I can be
I only need to try


Feeling great on this wonderful day,
The path is clear and I am on my way,
Spiritual journey I love to stay,
Smiling faces as we all play.
Together we are joined in harmony,
Two notes, a sound, and a possibility.
A tune so rich in melody,
Having fun so splendidly.
Open your voice with a loud cry,
Never a doubt or question why,
Sleep is refreshed and dreamy.
A brand new day,
Feeling the open arms of a family.

Morning sunrise greeting day,
Speak out with things to say,
Expand the mind,
Release the truth,
Begin and end,
Search and find,
Observe the view,
Ready to begin,
Moment in time,
Struggle to keep it your way,
Find out how to live and play.

Do you know a name
Of a wonderful day to play?
The plants begin to sprout,
Unions can be found.
Will you participate in the Feasting,
The Drinking,
The Loving?
Or simply Beat the Bounds?
Call it what you will or listen for a name.
It matters not if called Beltaine,
Bealtaine, Cetsamhain,
Walpurgisnacht, or Roodmas just the same.
It is seen as a Worker’s Day,
A Bel-Fire, or wonderful day in May.



Dance upon the Bel-fire,
Prance upon the Earth,
Fertility and Union,
Create a Merry-Be-Gotten Birth.
String a ring of flowers,
Leap over the fire,
Put yourself in motion,
Let the love present its worth.


Strumming and drumming,
Weaving and tying,
Drinking and feasting,
Carry on and play.
You know just what to do,
A merry day for lovers two,
Touch and feel,
A kiss to steal,
The veil has worn real thin.
Take a spirit by the hand,
Teach them a love that is so grand,
A fertile land where there is planted seed,
A touch of life to fulfill a need,
Cut another notch in the cycle that never ends.









Will these thoughts never end?
Can I ever begin again?
In the shadows of the pain,
My life just seems the same,
I am growing through the process,
I am weak with all the strain.
Who ever knows?
Is it worth all of this?
The mental strain
Will it lead to happiness?
Lonely in my mind,
Through the troubles that I find,
They are messing with my head,
I have an ego skin that I must shed.
I will listen to my dreams.
I will change reality.
I will form a recipe.
I will change into me.
I will be.



Sometimes I get lost
In the plans you have for me
You assume my way is the same
Or that it had better be
Choices that I make may not be the best
I get lazy and unmotivated
At times I could not care less
You feel me adding to your burden
You hate my added stress
You look at me like a child
Waiting for answers to confess
I am tired
The walls are closing in
I love you with all my heart
I may not always think things through
I am trying not to close down
My heart feels a deep burn
We are not alone
Yet I am pushed to the side
Criticizing my lack of strength
I often close up and hide
Please think before you speak
There is not much rope left
Each comment cut like a knife
Pulls me closer to the edge
When can I wake up?

There are dreams that I have to believe in.
I can hopefully react to what I am seeing.
Does my silence cause you many questions?
I have to say
I try to stay
Out of the way
There are people that don’t see the picture.
There are those that don’t fit in the mixture.
Do you want to just be a fixture?
It is time to play
Begin today
See it your way
Does your anger fall on deaf ears?
Are you inhibited by all of your fears?
You are tainted by all of the years.
This is the day
Open up to say
Don’t delay


Where do we go from here?
How do we see what we were meant to be?
Who have we hurt?
Are we balanced and free?
What can we do to fulfill our needs?
Take the rose by the thorn,
Rise above the lessons learned,
Hold on tight to those teaching dreams,
Things do get better by simple means,
Restart,
Impart,
Caring and sharing your creative art,
Spiritually awake,
There is no mistake.
Step from the shadows up to the plate.


Stressed out over things mundane,
A house of mirrors looking for something to blame,
When the stress of life has got you down,
Look without the tears and the frown.
Each battle we win,
We learn something within,
Our dreams can come true if we believe.
Focus is lost and so we hide.
Shadowed by time and running helpless.
Redirect the fear and open up inside.
Find the hidden truth through the bushes.
Sing a secret song,
Make a moment last so long,
Spend a little time make believing.
Whisper to the trees,
Get down on your knees,
Watch with your heart what you are seeing.
Come to center now,
Focus away from life without,
See the thread of love, it is worth revealing.

A break in my stride,
I am still moving,
A change in my pace,
I am still progressing,
No end in sight,
Enjoying the view,
Each step along the way,
Making a moment,
Turning to the inside,
How can you measure the distance it takes?


Look into the desert
Feel the coolness in my eyes
Fire burns within my breath
The sun continues to rise
Digging at the shadows
Know the roughness on the hands
No time to rest the weary feet
There is hardness to the land
I need a sweet release
So I can’t run and hide
I need to feel at peace
Somewhere deep inside
Passing by the trappers
Note the silence in the air
Instinct has run the rest away
I question why I am here
Completely new surroundings
A new home to embrace
Fulfill the truth in time of need
Become one with this place
I need to be complete
So I can move on inside
Knowing the one to be
A lifetime of surprise

The warm breeze fills my ears
Spin my head
Search for the hidden surprise
Fill the air with contemplation
Condense thought into essentials
Create one from many
Expand to receive
Caress with deep love
Hold on by letting go
Be now in awareness
Breath


The wind blows in your ears,
A presence both far and near,
Highlighting something new and weird,
Feel the pressing of all the years,
A silence to calm your deepest fears,
A love to dry your inner tears,
Stay back,
While I come apart,
Retract,
I don’t feel so smart,
I know,
That it is time to start,
Here I am now.



In your eyes the way becomes open,
In your smile the vision becomes clear,
Your heartbeat becomes a soothing rhythm,
I find happiness when you are near.
In your dreams I can find promise,
In your words a picture takes shape,
When you sit it looks like a sunset,
You complete a vision with moonlight on your face.




In this age of understanding,
We have forgotten all the past,
Expectations of our freedom,
Mix arrogance with the rest.
Humble in our suffering,
Kicking dreams while we are down,
Overcome with clear visions,
Create life without a sound.
Control of the elements,
The magician raises his hand,
Harmony and balance,
A word is spoken, giving a command.
Cast beneath the sun,
Is a world that is connected as one.
The speck of dust to greatest rock,
There is foundation and a plan.

Solitude in the morning,
The pain lingers on,
A fuzzy head keeps it moving,
Wake up and greet the sun.
Motivation becomes lost,
The picture has changed,
You can’t set a price to the cost,
There is no party to blame.
Search with my heart and mind,
I struggle sometimes in vain.
Gentle words give me more in kind,
Lie down and remember the rain.

Blue,
The color of ice water,
The color for coldness,
The color for sky so clear,
My eyes,
The vision of soulful,
With emotional change,
They can capture,
They can tame,
Sight,
Look in your being,
Look in your heart,
See the beyond,
Feel to the core.



Heart is full of saddened joy,
Coming together and ripen apart,
Mental frustration and fortitude,
Complete the task now at hand,
Experience has yet to catch up,
Release the frustration,
Energize the focus,
Expand the whole,
Do the best you can,
Use your best effort,
We are only just beginning.



When the air is moving slowly
And the body begins to sway
Then we can feel the rhythm
And the spirit comes out to play
This is the morning of a day to remember
A charm into deep splendor
Acknowledgement to complete surrender
When the warmth is all encompassing
And you leave this world behind
Remember to lend yourself to grounding
Open up and free your mind
This is the sunset of a day to remember
A visual to remind you of the day with a mender
Healing all with glorious surrender
Feeling life along the way


Yesterday I bought a house so now the inspections and paperwork begins. I still have not sold my house in Kansas City, but I can afford for a few months to have both. I want to just close and move in ASAP. I bought an older house, but it has a large back yard and 4 bedrooms, so we can easily spread out and have guests. After all of the cleaning and painting has been done I will invite others over to help me bless it. Then once everything has moved in I will probably begin having regular Toteg circle meetings as well as having people over for dinner.



Excitement fills the air
The energy surges from everywhere.
Rise above and spread my wings,
Healing songs and joyful rings.
Balance creates the awakening power
To ride the tides for hours and hours.
Breathe the colors in and out
The path is what it is about.
Joining hands with everyone
Sacred journey to be one.




New Home Blessing

Purification

May the fires of the sun purify us,
The waters of the earth cleanse us,
The winds of the heavens freshen us,
And may the rich earth feed and strengthen us.
Being cleansed and nourished may we realize our connection to all,
So that with our Spirits awakened we may live in harmony with all of creation.

Please hold hands.

Invocation

Mother Earth, Father Sky, come into us now,
That we may realize our unity with you,
Knowing that as we are your children
Your spirit resides in us all.
May we realize our divine nature,
And in witnessing your connection in all things,
Share all with you, as you share all with us.

Offering

Mother Earth, Father Sky,
You from whom all things come and to whom all things return,
We thank you for your many blessings.
Receive now this token of the blessings you have given us,
Returned with our gratitude and love.

Drum a steady beat and one by one come forward and contribute to the offering.

Mother Earth, Father Sky,

We ask that you watch over us, this land, and this home,
So that we may continue to grow as we are intended to,
So that we may find comfort and rest in your presence,
So that we may share with others our open love that you have given us.

We ask for your guidance and wisdom in all that we do,
So that we are safe from harm and open for truth,
So that we may understand ourselves,
So that we may live in our communion with you in all of your many aspects.

We ask that you help us develop our wisdom,
So that we may learn our path,
So that we may know peace and understanding,
So that we may thrive on your teachings,
And recognize the divine.

Guided meditation

Spreading the offering to all sides of the land













Happy days and happy years,
Driving though all the tears,
Helping to let the spirit shine.
In and out and all around,
Facing fear just like a clown,
Knowing that this moment will soon pass.
Make the most of every smile,
Live it all in a special style,
You are you and they can’t take that away.
Don’t give in to times of doubt,
Make your mark and make it count,
Leave your legacy with an attitude.
Find yourself even through it all,
Take that step don’t be afraid to fall,
Now is when you need to let it show.


Pass the past in the past,
Know the now right now,
Fear of the future leads far away,
Because being your beliefs allows you to become.
Moments will not last,
You already know how,
Don’t forget how to play,
Open your eyes the time has come.





Rejoice in this day,
A new beginning,
Reach out your hand,
A place to start,
Follow the path,
A love surrounds you,
Open your eyes,
A moment that lights the spark,
We live today,
Like we want to,
Free from the past,
A home you find,
Know that right now,
You know the answers,
A question is the hardest part.



Have you ever felt in your heart the need to love someone unconditionally?
Have you ever felt drawn to look into someone’s soul and just accept them?
Have you ever felt like you could just transcend all of life to live in a moment?
The experience still wells up inside me and I will never forget it.
There were so many moments of pure harmony that will change my life forever.
Yes, there were times when I felt out of sorts and the reality of the physical world took over. Yes, there were moments when I felt people faking it, just to keep going.
But, to have the opportunity to experience a moment of bliss made all of the other times infinitesimal. I am not talking the sexual bliss. That might come close to the eruption of emotion that caught me. The greater gift was the simple look and the knowing of another person’s soul, the reaching out and connecting and the giving just to give. It felt so good to give love, acceptance, pure intent of goodwill. I wish I could make it my life’s work to give like that, because by giving my heart feels more full. Sometimes I will journey and find something similar. I talk to the animals, the rocks and the trees. I share with them and they share with me. There is complete understanding with them. I can find sometimes an understanding in other spirits, but it is so difficult these days to share that with someone other than your spouse. This alchemical weekend will live and breathe within me. Many times did I see the gold, many times did I see it flow and turn, many times I watched and learned, many times my life did unfold, yet my journey continues and I am better for having a moment of true living.



What is going to be important will start with a simple intent. Take out a piece of paper and figure out what it is you truly want fixed. One statement that is not a generality, but a direct outcome. Don't say I want Poly to be healed, or I want him to be happy. Figure out by just writing many things down about the situation and see if you can find a common word or directive. With the paper just write don't think about it just do it. When you have completed the statement write it on a small piece of paper. Now you can bury it, put it under a candle, burn it. do what ever you need to do to send it beyond. Then take hands with one another and look at each others eyes. look deep and try to see into the soul. you can do this sitting or standing. Don't speak just look, I want you to send love and healing with your eyes. Look for the child, look deep. put on a timer or something and tell him that I am trying something like and experiment on passing images or something, he doesn't need to know that you are projecting. Just take some time and look. Erase all of the doubt from your mind and clear away thought. Just simply look for a minute or so every day. What you are doing is using your connection to start the fire again. Or light one that is needed. It is so easy with all of the medications or everyday ordeals to put a dampener over the inner light. All of the other things like family and business throw dirt at the fire, it doesn't go out but it comes close. Take some time and write, then connect.






What is meant by Alchemy? Part of the weekend was focused on a book titled Alchemical Psychology. Where we dissected relationships and dreams into their components and discussed how they related to base elements and how we could transform them to create balance and turn it into something new. Such as a marriage between two people, taking two people who have their own ideas and beliefs and putting them together to form a third us. We talked about recipes and how the act of doing the recipe can result in a product. We talked about how the US was called a melting pot and it has taken all of the different cultures of the world and transformed it into something different. We also worked on dreams and how to use them for understanding and creation. We worked on breathing as well as chakras and energy creation. There was a section of the weekend where we meditated with Peruvian whistles and used sound for cleansing and toning. There was also a section on drumming and dance. In one section we sat and meditated on what our first memory was, when we transformed from the perfection of childhood naivety, then with that thought roam around randomly and then stop and look into someone’s eyes and see that as our last thought. The impact and the wholeness of it all was quite an experience. Later when we moved into two circles and the inner circle and outer circle looked at each other and then touched each other’s heart was a powerful moment.

I am sure I didn’t present this correctly. This all sounds like new age BS but the whole weekend was not like that. The transformation of lead to gold, or the problems within your self to the divine within your self isn’t so easily stated. It was full of moments that were unique to me and I feel better for having experienced it. So even if some of it was BS, my learning more about my self and my process helped push me along my spiral path.



Fire awake my burning breath
In words to help my restless soul
Ignite in me the loving touch
That heals the wounds of no intent
Keep me full of love refreshed
So I am awake to know the fool
Help the hands that do too much
Share the burden of time well spent
Reach inside the council kept
Bring to life a dreamers goal
Feel the answers and answer such
So in the end we know what is meant

Work your heart
Stretch your mind
Worry not things left behind
Moment now living true
Trust your spirit in what to do
Open up to feel the hand
That pushes forth across the land
Honest for your heart speaks free
Let it all be and see



Healing hands in the world today
Give strength to all you meet.
Cares and worries sent all around
Make it a challenge to walk the street.
We see the day and view the years
While we pass the moments bye.
Know that sudden moment clear
So you don’t look back and wonder why.
Understand, open up, and play
The wonderments never end.
In the truth you may discover a way
Or you may enjoy new gifts and friends.


Feel the movement going round,
Lift and feel the intense sound,
From the beat the rhythm move by,
Growing pulse to reach the sky,
Thump, Ka, Tek, Boom, and purr,
Get into the sounds of the earth,
The songs can move in you beyond your dreams,
Life giving pulse makes new sound and means.
Stir the pot and mix your soul,
Find the groove, live and know.


You may wonder why I just say Morning. It is just a time of day that I connect and write. None of my poems have titles. They speak to those in need of their words and sometimes annoy those that don't. With a title I find that it becomes a certain message that I write, when in fact different people find different meanings and I just leave it up to that.


Thank you for the helping hand,
For reaching out,
Fulfilling need,
For giving the time so cherished,
When there are lots of things to do.
Thank you for a heart so grand,
For seeking out,
For planting seed,
For working the line so flourished,
Still keeping your word so true.
You have given a gift worth many,
Even when others have walked away,
You have my thanks full and plenty,
You have touched my life today.


How do you fit a natural spirituality in a modern world?

This is a big question for me because as an Electrical Engineer I have to see to it that modern process and efficiency are used to create the best possible solution for a given problem.

Things I know include; sound reasoning and judgment, principles and practice of the profession, efficient techniques, laws and guidelines, verbal and written communication skills, balance of client wants and needs along with return on investment and cost, project management of people and resources including scheduling and training. Are those spiritual practices?

I am a spiritual being so there is no choice but to be spiritual in all that I do. I work with others to provide the best infrastructure to the communities. I find ways of creating clean water, energy, and their recycle/ reuse as best I can. I have to understand that my clients are really the community as a whole. The counties and the cities who pay me want me to do the best I can so that they get the most for their money and pass those savings to the communities. I have to understand that I can always learn from others around me and that even though a title and a skill set may separate me from others they are on their path and I am on mine and there is no judgment or prejudgments allowed. I must maintain honest relationships and present myself as who I am and represent the others who depend on me as best I know how. I have to understand my actions so that I can understand the consequences.

--

Over the last few years I have been thinking of changing professions. Right now I can not change because of contractual obligation and because of financial obligation. I must take steps to maintain my focus and my direction while preparing for the opportunities ahead of me. Prior Proper Planning prevents piss poor performance. You must understand what lies ahead so that you can take steps to proceed. Doing what I want to do unfortunately takes money and so I have to give a portion of my time in order to obtain it. I must be present in my activities and apply the knowledge that I have gathered to the correct use. Being present is a spiritual practice that takes time to learn and is vital to my experience. It is easy for me to day dream and wonder around, it is essential that I focus and live each moment.

Living moments are now at hand,
I used to push off what I didn’t understand,
Now I sit and let life be,
Knowing the picture will come to me.
Active thought and hunger thrive,
Know yourself and be alive,
Quite still your heartbeat now,
Think on life, the what, and how.
Do you push forward the hand of fate?
Are you content to sit and wait?
From your dreams the reality pushes forth.
Can you sculpt a true north?
In touch with self and the world at hand,
Push yourself to be one with all the land.

How do you have a natural spirituality in a modern world? By being true to your beliefs, your culture, your profession, and understand what you do and the consequences of your actions. When you feel and see the larger picture and understand how to be apart of the picture so that you can truly live life and be one with the truth that connects us all.

How do we move on inside?
From the wisdom of the ages,
The heart can open wide,
It can sing to all who gather,
Smiling through our deep hides.
Passing on beliefs,
Sharing observations,
Complex and simple sides,
Realize the manifestations,
Hold on for a bumpy ride.






Some days are up and some are down in my cycle towards inner peace. I struggle a lot with the everyday world. Sometimes I just don’t feel like I belong in a business atmosphere. I long for the freedom of social interaction and observation. I want to learn and explore. I think we are on this quest for contentment and happiness and forget about the steps to get there. I jump there quite a bit, but I also fall back into the reality that I have created for myself. Tonight I am going to a group meeting and the topic is transformation. At first glance I don’t quite know what the topic is going to be about. The word has a definition, but who knows if it is what they are meaning. To me transformation is more a law than a topic. It simply exists. I have been told that nothing is neither created nor destroyed it is merely transformed. If you look at matter, then on the physical level what was here is still here it is transformed into something else. During the alchemical weekend there was talk about creation and how creation can take place on a spiritual level. For instance there is the creation of the intent and then it becomes. Or how about a couple that forms a new We or us when each is singular alone. I don’t know if I buy into the creation thing even at that level because if you have ever been in a relationship you know that in order for there to be the third us or the family there has to be a lot of work done. The work done develops the us or that separate thing it does not just form itself. The same goes for the creation of an intent. Is it truly created out of nothing? No there was a purpose that developed from something and that transformation pushes forward to create the intent, even if it was an offshoot of something else. To create something you must use something else. To me that is transformation and not creation.


Only a few people in my life know that I suffer from severe depression. None of the jobs I have worked for have been told and I used to be medicated to try and correct my chemical imbalance. When I moved out here to Las Vegas I quit taking the medication to see where I am and try to get a baseline for the future. I like being off of the medication, but I also feel that I am down a lot more than I probably should be. Most of the time I am bored with life and can barely find any motivation for working or doing things. I have found that when I experience life by helping people or by attending learning I am much happier. I feel very secluded a lot. I push myself to go out and be social when I know I could easily stay and watch TV or sleep. I think I am going to have to go back on medication to try and improve my energy level. The boredom that I feel most of the time is not right and I should be at a different level. My problem is that when I am on medication I get memory loss as well as mood swings. I will have to find a doctor to help me elevate my level or this is going to get bad.




Do you remember,
The way through the forest,
The journey down the river,
As life began your drum?
Do you remember,
The coals sleeping in the fire,
The clouds below your feet,
As dreams touch the new born sun?
I can remember the dancing in moonlight,
The water,
The earth,
The air as they burn to one.
Does this dream ever end?
Will we all be one again?
Will we touch the hand of Father?
While our Mother keeps us warm?
Do you remember,
The way across the mountain,
The dryness of the dessert,
The sleep when the day is done?
Do you remember,
The singing in the spring time,
The playing in the fall,
The laughter in the song?
I can remember the dancing in moonlight,
The water,
The earth,
The air as they burn to one.
Does this dream ever end?
Will we all be one again?
Will we touch the hand of Father?
While our Mother keeps us warm?


It is tough to get through the rough times. To rekindle the fire that is there. You have no choice but to be Divine. The question is how can you let your lit shine when it is covered with all the junk you can put on it. Finding an out let to begin the blaze is sometimes really hard. Sometimes I go through the motions and still find nothing. The problems and the mud seem to never leave my head. When you get too buried in the past and think too much about the future there becomes no time for the present and you miss the magic of the moment. Real life, real attention, real action do not occur in the past or the future they are here and now. When you can let things go you can do wonders. The trick is learning how to clear your head even for a little while. Try setting a timer and then do nothing but breathe in and out, think in and out, and dismiss any thought you have other than breathing. Lay down and do it so that you breathe form your belly. Walk and do nothing but count 1,2, or left, right. Sit an marvel at a flower and see every line every color. Do something that is a now thing. Set a timer and don't do anything else till the timer goes off. Then you can choose to let all the crap back in or not. You have conditioned yourself to think and reflect the past into your thinking of the future. You think you are going to get the same reaction over again. Stop that by learning from the past and moving on. You can make the future what ever you want, you just have to be now long enough to set it into motion.


My Way,
Is the Toteg Tribal way.
I am connected to the Great Mother Earth.
I am connected to the Great Father Sky.
I recognize that the blood that runs through my veins and
The places in which I rest my head effect who I am.
I can not and will not take from anything that I do not know and try to possess it.
I have no choice but;
To give honor in a way that is truth for me,
To give respect to my ancestors,
To give respect to my culture,
To give respect to others and their culture.
I learn by being true to my Self, my Spirit and my Connection.
I grow to become one with the Earth and all things.
I choose to experience my path and the path set by the oneness that connects us all.


Can you see your reflection in the soft morning breeze?
Does the wind call your name as you pray upon your knees?
Laughing and learning, we reach the open sky,
Touching and feeling, we know yet wonder why,
All that we are is formed throughout the ages,
The mother and the daughter,
The father and the son,
Do you feel all the presence as you move among the forest?
Can you touch the emotion as you swim within the sea?
Singing and loving we give back to the knowing,
Dancing and spinning, the kiss is overwhelming,
In all of our being we flip through the pages,
The books and the scrolls,
The prose and the song.


Many of you may not know me because I don’t really say much any more, but I felt compelled to discuss this as it is current in my life.

Does Reiki have intelligence?
Being a part of everything, the divine energy, the life force, there is intelligence there. I do not think it is the same understanding that we try to personify, but rather a knowing of what is needed. The healers that I have been around lately don’t know or understand Reiki. They only know that they tap into it and channel it through to others and then let it go where it is needed. At first I was taken back by their non-specific ness. They just get within a zone of the person and then move their hand around looking for the energy. I find it unnecessary to look for it because I always feel it. That may because of Reiki understanding. There is more of a connection that is given to use where others must search for it. It is always there. The healing has never come from us and we know that. We follow patterns with our hand placement to focus a more rapid healing than just a general cover it all. But we do have an understanding that if we were compelled to just give in one position it wouldn’t work any less and more than just that one place would be affected. I think that by being tuned into the Reiki energy we can feel where it needs to go and it will go there from what ever position we are in. I am not sure that we can force anything. We could try, but then it wouldn’t work and we would feel the loss of our own attempts. There is a harmony and a balance that exists within the whole and where there is need it is filled. Trying to give when it is not wanted, does not create balance and so it is of no use.

If there is a cover over a hole in the sand, you can not fill it unless you remove the cover, but given the time the hole may become larger and the sides fall in and it seeks its own level eventually the cover is not over a hole, but laying on the sand. The hole has been washed away. Given enough time a balance is created. We have learned how to fill the holes so that the rest is not touched. If you don’t fill the holes directly, you can wash over it all and it would work it just takes longer. If you are trying to force things, it is like spitting on the cover rather than using the hose in your hand when they remove the cover. You are dry, you require water and it will probably take more than you have in you to fill even the slightest hole. We have the buckets and the hose of the right size, others use trucks and a fire hose, the earth and the wind will fill it, but our own spit and hands are never enough to fill the holes as they are needed.



Healing the sand.

I was thinking about energy healing and came up with an analogy about different types of healing through energy. Suppose for a moment that you are a sandy beach. Your life changes as seasons change, as the weather changes, as different tides come in. Sometimes there are items in the sand that hurt, sharp rocks, shells, sticks. When things hurt or don’t belong they need to be removed. We sometimes put up barriers for protection, we sometimes block of parts of ourselves to save us from the pain. When someone needs healing and they ask for it, their barrier is removed so that it can be cleaned and taken care of. If they don’t ask for it and you try to heal, you are faced with multiple barriers in the sand that are secure and tight. You would be rough and painful and even more healing would need to take place, you might even require the healing. There are different methods to heal and smooth the beach. The healing energy for us is like water. If you have ever sprayed water on a beach, you can see the smoothing effect it has. Everyone has the ability to wash their beach, but most do so in a general manner that covers it all. If they are not careful they can push painful things down and bury them. For now they are ok, but eventually it will resurface and it will need to be dealt with again. As energy healers you learn the focus and you learn how to use the hose to wash away the items. With more practice you can become really good and cleansing and healing. As a practitioner you learn how to see the objects on the beach. You can even reach in and remove objects, even ones deep in the sand. You also learn how do fill the holes. You gain control of the hose and you use your tools to direct the healing. You can also wash away and cleanse the whole beach from afar because you know right where to aim.

Everything heals and becomes one with balance. The rain would eventually wash clean all of the items on the beach. The wind would blow across the surface and fill in the holes. If left alone a hole will level out and will be smooth again. But we never know how long that will take. We get help for what we want to accomplish. As we learn more we help things along and speed up the process. We know that the cleansing and the healing do no come from us, because we do not have enough water within us to wash things away. If we try to do it we will become tired and thirsty and need the water ourselves.

There are so many techniques for cleansing the beach, each will work. The ultimate goal is to put it all in place and become a wonderful place that is one with all of the surroundings.




On this simple morning,
As the birds begin to wake,
We see in the reflection,
The road that we must take.
The choice of the beginning,
A brand new point of view,
We watch as the time goes by,
All the things that are brand new.
Simply a mirror or a gateway to the rest,
Look within your dreamcast eyes,
For you know what is best.
Touch the box of discovery,
You open up all the possibilities,
Taste the nectar of your thoughts,
Forget all false sensibilities.
Walk down the road of progress,
Understand the illusions of the past,
You can never go back to reap and sew,
So you must make the moment last.
Simply a mirror or a gateway to the rest,
Look within your dreamcast eyes,
For you know what is best.


The Declaration of the Toteg Tribe.

We are the Toteg Tribe.

We honor and recognize Mother Earth and Father Sky from which all things come and all things return.

We seek to find truth in all things.

We learn from the land, the directions, the community, our ancestors, the elements, the spirits and from personal experience.

We recognize cultural integrity and learn to develop who we are without taking from other cultures.

We live here and now and listen to Mother Earth and Father Sky for their messages.

We share as a family, a tribe, a wisdom, a truth.

We are the Toteg Tribe.






Move to the left,
Feel to the right,
Search for the vision,
Without use of sight,
We know the truth,
With limited voice,
The presence of mind,
To make the next choice.
We stand in the way,
Of our own beautiful progress,
Our cluttered minds at play,
We often just don’t notice.
Where to go from here,
Know the questions to ask,
Release the inner fear,
Be complete at last.
So hard to do,
We are so distracted,
To let it come through,
Ourselves so neglected.
How can I help you?
When you know I have needs.
I struggle too,
I am down on my knees.
Life, right now is happy,
Content and pure,
Sometimes I am laughing.
I leave it alone,
Just for today.
No worries at all,
It is time to play.

Dance the fire burning bright,
Trance the spiral through the night,
Let it go,
Feel the flow,
Release the grip of all you know.
Follow the push of harmony,
Spirit rise and set it free,
See the show,
Bend and grow,
Expand to fill yourself and whole.
Connect with all you feel today,
Soar to heights through conscious play,
Reassemble,
Disassemble,
Complete the You and watch it glow.
Can you see yourself with selfless eyes?
The dreams surround the revealing prize.
Being whole,
Complete and full,
One with all, free to touch the soul.

Dancing days flow from the Sun,
Welcome to some lifelong fun,
Whirling, twirling, and stomping around,
Merry be both lost and found.
Fly about like your feet are on fire,
Spirit rising higher and higher,
Roll your toes and tap to life’s beat,
Open arms towards all whom you meet.
What can you do when everyone smiles?
Join in the fun and rejoice for a while.
Why must you choose a sorrow drawn face?
Each now is worth living, each moment we make.
I want to sing and let my self be free,
No one stops my self but me.
Choices I have made in the past are all gone,
I can change my point of voice to let it be strong,
A reality conforms to my vision once more,
Be live and be hopeful and you can weather a storm.
Choosing your road takes adjusting, I know.
Rearrange all the costumes and let us go to the show.
Do not worry so much,
Do not relive the past,
Move on in your life’s lessons,
All your feelings can last.
Show me the tune by the dance that you sing,
Filled full of truth of a marvelous thing,
You can be true to yourself and have fun,
Just let it all go, be free, be one.





Welcome to the morning breeze,
The silent whispers as you are fast asleep,
The birds awake to greet the morning sun.
Dreaming visions here and now,
The thoughts of wonder escape somehow,
Magic in the morning has only just begun.
Mother takes a deep full breath,
As Father spreads his massive chest,
Protect the children before it is time to run.
The trees move from a dreaming sway,
Animals move from where they lay,
Breath of life begins the morning hum.
Begin now to stretch your body before your tongue,
The day ahead is created by where you are from,
Cleanse away the cobwebs and the numb,
Make the most, for tomorrow is just a day away.

Thank you for your helping hand,
When life will wonder into a not so grand,
When we need the reminder of a loving heart.
Thank you for being a friend indeed,
When in those times of simple need,
When we require help from the start.
You have been around for me,
A simple message to set me free,
Suport when others have let it go.
Your heart is big and full and it shows,
The things you do that no one really knows,
I thank you from deep inside of me.



Welcome to the morning breeze,
A choice to live has come over me,
A restored faith in my self once more,
My internal fear is thrown out the door.
Breathe in the light of the morning sun,
Bask in a glory of a new day begun,
See the light in the newborn’s face,
Ancestral power is shown in grace.
All make the choice to live each day,
We throw the clouds in our minds away.
I want to live how my heart rings true,
How to understand just what to do?
I want to run where the sun shines free,
Fire in life as it was meant to be.
Spinning on heals letting go to flow,
Balance in the pure rhythm I know.
Spinning the wheels of a daily life,
Training my self is to be pure in light.
Letting my life wash over me,
Exploring the options that I know can be.
Knowledge to step through a different way,
Instill oneness with all through time and space.








To the thirteen breaths of life I send
One for heart and a helping friend
Sharing silent waves of thought
Another spreads across the land
Finding purchase to the intend
Gift of comfort to relieve distraught
Never touch in person be
Distance does not stop the energy
Take a hand and worry not
A gift to your impending mend
Strength to you in spirit I send


Where are the raindrops on my head?
The leap extends from their lofty heights.
What choices are made to spread their love?
The vital nectar is contained within.
Show me the balance away from desire.
See the restless soul in a pool of torment.
Honor bound by the bonds of conformity.
Wisdom is shown in the inner light.
Live by the cascading reflection in a sphere of suffering.
Manifest the dreams with proper sight.
Action strung together with beads of uncertainty.
Piece together the fragments of life which are truly worth living.
Focus in the beam of oneness and light.
Become the drop that can break free from the cohesion.
Become the stillness before the storm.
Share in the rhythm of change.
See the vision of life.




I remember as a child the men and women of my parents church. Some of the leaders had a very close relationship with their divine. There were a few that it was a pleasure to be around as well as those that felt like they were putting on a show and that you had to dig to find their true nature. To me it didn’t matter what religion they fell under, the people who where true to their beliefs had an inner peace that served them well. Those people where content to share when asked, but not to be judgmental and forceful about spreading their ideals to others. I had chances to visit with leaders from various communities as a child and feel fortunate to have known them. By knowing many spiritual practices I could see personal truths that were common in them.

Last night there was a discussion on ceremony and ritual. In that discussion we shared definitions, various cultural and spiritual practices and how they are used as tools for various results. Some discussion was about knowing a certain system so that you could compare and develop and have a reference for a view. For me I guess I did have a solid spiritual childhood so I don’t know any other way. I have many spiritual ancestors that have helped me find personal truth in many forms. Lately I find that I enjoy surrounding myself with spiritual practice in many forms. I find and view the things I do with a spiritual perspective and see ways to secure a constant relationship with Mother and Father.

I look back and see my spiritual ancestors in many forms. My direct and indirect teachings have come from people, animals, the land and things that I see, hear and feel. For a long time I searched for teachers feeling that I needed someone to help me with my continued progress. When I came to the realization that I was not going to find a specific teacher, I had to understand that I had to be open for many teachers in many forms and that I have been taught how to see them and I must open myself up to it and not be so shallow in my view as to what or who can be a spiritual teacher. Everyday life teaches me a great deal and my present spiritual teachers are just as valuable as my ancestral ones. Sometimes it is still difficult to maintain the spiritual openness that I know that I require, but I am learning how to be more in tune and notice what is in front of me.



Hear the openness in a crowd,
See the light,
Even behind a dark shroud.
The visions are clear,
We just refuse
To form like the clouds,
In a loose bond
That lets the light shine through.

Gentle sleep in morning wake,
A crisp breath with each intake,
Colored horizons over mountain peaks,
Good morning Father with open arms I greet.
Mother upon whom my feet do tread,
Fill my heart as I rise from bed.

Trying to find a new beginning,
To release all fears from past illusions,
Make a vision and leave the ego behind.
Learning my tools from the spirit hands,
Left all false hope across empty fields,
Strengthen resolve by tearing apart,
Dreams work piece by piece rebuilding the soul.
Who am I now?
What was I then?
How far have I traveled from where I began?
Engrained in my spirit,
Is a fight for a truth.
A personal conquest,
That will never end.

To have your ups,
To have your downs,
Feeling direction
When lost and found.
Pathways to meet
Challenge ahead,
The goals we seek,
Evolve instead.
Sometimes,
You have to
Throw in,
You have to
Regroup,
You have to
Share what’s deep inside.
Sometimes,
You have to
Rethink,
You have to
Conceive,
Before take your next step.
Lying awake at night,
Feeling your skin crawl with fright,
Knowing your part of the game,
But you feel distant just the same.






Grounding solid in a perfect square,
Endless circle of knowledge kept there.
Born where Earth and Sun do meet,
In directions that teach us how to be.
Live in perfect spirals as our paths unfold,
With truth the tribe connects the whole.

As I was having surgery on Friday this was how I was drawing the symbol in my mind. Over the last few days it sometimes took on a three dimensional shape in two different ways to me. The first was a spinning shape around the vertical axis where the sun would have a half sphere effect and the top and bottom points would cone around the cube. The spirals never really took a three dimensional thickness the just moved along the spiral both outwards and inwards. The other way that I saw this was as if attached to a piece of fabric on the inside and out. The problem or pain was placed in the center and given to mother and father and then the points came together and were secured by drawing the circle like a drawstring.



Our cycles turn on a spirit wheel.
Do we disconfirm our own appeal?
What looks good on our plate?
Find some more before it is too late.
Do we compost what is left?
We pack the garbage with the rest.
Heal with help to our true form.
Not forgetting the shirt from which we are torn.
Change is consistent throughout the land.
Can we embrace and still make it last?
What can be developed into something new?
A typical life is too confused.
Create in time your own true path.
A natural development built strong to last.



Open my eyes to the center of being,
Not knowing anymore what I am truly seeing.
Throwing all ego to the floor,
Learn like a child so I can open the door.
Spinning all around in a sacred dance,
The world falls away as I slip into a trance.
Touching the sky as I move my feet,
Spirit rushes in as I get in deep.
Can you run away and leave judgment aside?
Can you let go, to glimpse the vastness inside?
Fires bursting out just like the rain,
The Creative force begs you to release the reigns.
The earth burns hot and the winds blow cold,
Release the transformation so that it can turn gold.
Sometimes I sit and let it wash through me,
Make a complex form within true simplicity.
Can you relax enough even if only your eyes?
Can you see the beauty in life begin to rise?
Dance the charm of the eternal snake.
Passion to rebuild your Self and a divine form take.
Center that balance, form once more.
Connected truths again restored.


Write a book, yeah why not? I have been talking on and off for a long time about putting together a book, so I probably should do it. I started off writing poetry as a way to calm my mind and quit smoking. It became a spiritual practice of connecting both sides of my brain. There is a creative force and an intellectual force in constant battle within me and forcing them to work together to develop rhyme, meter, vision, and open up communications have shaped me as a person.

I have been using poetry to observe my thoughts and feelings as well as interpret the world around me. At times I get a song in my head, or I am in a certain mood, or I just learned something and want to share it. My audience has changed around sometimes, but in general I am talking to myself and asking myself questions about life. I have sent some poems to people so that they can understand more about me or I want to tell them something and it is my way of doing so.

At first I did not begin to write a book of poems and spiritual intent. I began with a process of healing. I was working on my spiritual temple, my Self, when I started writing. I needed to quit smoking. It is a difficult task to do and it is no small undertaking when you set your mind to it. I began with an online forum where I would share in the quitting process with everyone there. For a while I tried to anonymous, so that no one would really get to know me. I would ask for help and advice, but there are some standard things people say to ease the new quitters through the first physical and mental pains that were occurring. What I ended up finding out is that quitting to me became a spiritual process. I had to find myself again. I never realized how much living I was not doing because of smoking. In the past to quit smoking I had used the gum, the menthol inhaler, I even broke down several times and smoke old butts and smokes I would bum off of people. I was hooked hard and there was nothing I could do until I made the decision to live rather than to waste. You see I smoked all of the time. I would smoke in the car, when I walked the dog, every break I could get, in hotels and with friends. I traveled a lot so I was by myself day after day and would break down from many quits with justifications about next time.

One day I decided that if I was going to be alive, I needed to live and not fall into a habit that would ruin my life. So one anniversary I told my spouse that I was quitting for good. I had a shot of tequila, my last smoke, and never looked back. The first week or so sucked. I realized my whole life revolved around smoking. There was not a moment that I didn’t think about smoking. I tried to go out with my friends and not smoke just so part of me was still normal. I found it difficult to think and focus. I would constantly have to tell myself that I was not going to smoke no matter what.

On the quit smoking forum I tried to participate, I tried to give back to others as they were giving to me. They held my virtual hand and often stayed up late with me so that I could do it. I developed friends and buddies and one of those days I was having problems, I felt inspired to write a poem. It felt good to get it out. I felt focused and charged. I started writing them everyday and sharing with everyone there. Some people thought it was a little odd that I was pouring myself out in front of everyone, but others could see meaning in them and asked if I wrote it to them. I found that the more I wrote the more sense of everything I could make. Many people asked if I wrote them myself or if I had found some inspirational material.

To me the poems became a morning prayer. They were a greeting of the sun to get my self in order. I would drive to work and life would flow in front of me and by the time I got to work, I had all of these poems swimming around and so I would write one from pieces of everything and send it out. Then I would respond to email and get in tune with work. As time went on I would usually send one out a day if it was possible, but it was not always, so I would jot them down on napkins or paper, just so it would be out of me in birthed into the world. Lots of them have been thrown away since they were not together, but some have lived and brought about change in my mental world.

I couldn’t tell for a while if I was writing for attention or for development. I wanted people to read them and I felt so happy if someone wrote me and told me they identified with it. I found that I was just writing them for my self and just sharing with others. It really didn’t matter if they accepted them or not, I was getting them out and they were helping me. I quit writing in some forums because I didn’t feel that anyone would benefit from the poems and some often felt that it wasn’t the place for them and that I was distracting from the purpose of the area.

There were times when I would write some prose to go along with the poetry so that I could establish the place where the poem came from. Other times I just posted it. None of the poems ever had titles except what other people perceived them to be. They were an existence without the handicap of prejudice in their name. To me they were like a divination tool. You would read it and identify with it if it was meant for you.

I really suggest you use this book like a tool to both find meaning for yourself and as inspiration for your own work. Thumb through the book and stop and read a poem. Think carefully if it fits your situation. If it doesn’t then flip some more, if it does then really ponder it. Write your own poems and try and fit what you feel and your situation into a few words and phrases. The writing of poetry takes your mind and focuses it into something that you understand and can deal with. I believe it takes your whole mind to create a really good poem. I am still working on it and developing all the time. There are some of these poems I don’t like and others that seem to say it all. Examine yourself and grow.

I have pages and pages from stuff here and there. The time just seems to blurr them all together.