Bear's Blurbs

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

the first heartbeack

Quinn suffered his first broken heart last friday.
he finished his lego play date with his birth friend. they have known each other since before they said hello to the world. they have celibrated birthdays together, spent time together sleeping and bonding. he was informed that his friend was moving across the country in a month. he looked up at me in the morning after he cried about it with his mom the night before for 30 minutes and slept on it and said "dad my heart hurts and i feel like i am going to cry again." then he told me he only had one friend left. even today he sounded sad because his other friend is in a different gym class now. to feel that pain radiating from someone else is tough even if it isn't someone you have an instint to protect. i still remember my childhood friend leaving when i was ten or so. an opening and burning like this opens things for growth and so i can be hopeful that he can learn and grow. vegas is a very transiant town and people are always in and out of your life. you learn to still care for people and trust them, but you always think they may leave. quinn will have many friends, but none will hurt like this. all i can do is love him and allow him to feel and deal with the strong emotions of loss.

here is where the spiral unwinds
here is where we realign
catch a glimpse of a great design
in this time you are a friend to me
here we have no enemy
may we never have to say goodbye
i know the path you choose for you
is not the path i chose for me
let us dance our dreams together
painted on life's tapestry
see all the posibilities
weave together laughter and the tears
our love will be the tie that bind us
in the time we leave behind us
these memories will be our souvenirs
play with me
let me play with you
let us play together on this common ground
one day love may bring us back around the fire again

Monday, January 16, 2012

plumbing

Didn't use one word stronger than darn-it,
Didn't have to go back to the store ten times,
The garbage disposal actually worked when I turned it on.
What a surprise,
What a relief,
Plumbing and I don't get along,
We battle usually every time.
Tonight we worked together,
An now all is fine.

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

quinn gym

it is fun to watch him at gym. he has flexibility beyond his years. he could be really good. he is like every other in that when the coach isnt directing he is playing. he craves the attention. he can do more than he lets on just to have the help. being five, he is right were he should be. i hope he continues to enjoy it.

to write

i have never been much of a writer. i used this space many years ago to help me find freedom from addiction. now that i have not smoked in many years, i struggle to put into words the many thought that eat my world view. i keep having a pull to write a book or a script. but who am i to know how to go about a craft with no methods. i would hurt myself with the small things that others have common knowlege of. the problem is i keep dreaming or mind scanning a story that seems interesting to me anyway. i could read up on the type of beings that are intering my thoughts, but it wont be the story that is begging me to tell.. perhaps i will add some more information to my thoughts and start something. maybe a short story will be enough to let me pull away.

watching

watch them dance
see them sing
moving to an internal swing
purity in intent
judgement free
let it be
can you watch and be
take it in
let them spin
lead, follow
make
create
find

Monday, December 26, 2011

Wow a year already

I can not believe that I have not posted on this blog in over a year. What a year, we went to disney world, Quinn turned 5, I was on PMI committee, got a raise, more responsiblity at work, family came to visit and life is generally pretty good.

This year is hopeful and promises to be exciting.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Yule tide frustrations

Focus, peace, quite, still
Working, listening, struggle against will
Finding patience in the darkest of hours
Bury the fruit for spring time flowers
Head butting in a crown of roses
Inner pain that battles foes
Of one kind and another
Between the lines of understanding


The new day comes
The hope and desire of wants and needs
Calm in the midst of chaos
Clarity of voice and understanding
Communicating and connecting the heart
Find a way to share the blessings
Open up and see the light
The dark of night in the longest moon
Alone in a crowded room
Full of thoughts and missing me
Where have I gone and where am I going
Accepting what is
Making what will be
Controlling nothing and riding the wave
Seeing the inner spark
Being still and knowing


Where has the happiness gone
Where is the peace I knew so well
Disturbed and angry with frustrated voice
I cry as I contemplate my reactions
This is the season of joyous giving
This is the time of spirit and connection
Others in pain that I can not help
Plans that I make get destroyed
Where is the fruit of good intentions
Where is the joy I want to give


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

3rd birthday

Today is Quinn's 3rd birthday. He woke super excited and all morning he was singing several birthday songs to himself. He ran into the bedroom and promptly scared both himself and Amy as they met each other unexpectedly. After getting dressed he noticed the balloons on the table an ran to get them. He has been bouncing around all morning. He doesn't quite know what is going on only that it is his special day.

We went to the circus this last weekend. Quinn was excited by the clowns, elephants and tigers. I liked that they brought back the old cannon to shoot two people across the arena. After the circus I went to a ritual for the solstice. All the men of the circle put it on and it was a lot of fun. After the circle, I went and had more work done on my tattoo.

Special days come rolling in,
Sometimes with only a whisper.
In the moment, excitement rises,
Creative and superb.
All the energy,
Focused point,
Any possibility.
What is next, who will know,
We will just wait and see.

Monday, May 18, 2009

A long time

I don't think I have posted for a long time. I wasn't even sure this site was still going. Quinn is getting older coming up on 35 months. I am still doing the same as far as Engineering, but I am pushing through grad school and this time next year I will be graduated.

My eyes view the dawing in a brand new light,
Welcome to the vision and a second sight.
Power in the spirit and the notions pure,
Age old wisdom and experiences for sure.
No path marked and I walk on through,
Each step is fresh and uncharted new.
Can we say for sure or do we make it up?
Progress works with commitment and pure dumb luck.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Mysterium 08

Here is where our Path resides,
Here is where we realize,
The awakening of our sacred heart.
In here you are a friend to me,
A safe place without any enemies,
A circle, free, ready to accept us from the start.

Dance with me,
And I’ll dance with you,
Dance around the fire here tonight.
Won’t you dance with me,
And I’ll dance with you,
The drums will guide us in this perfect night.

Dance with me,
And I’ll dance with you,
Dance around the fire here tonight.
Won’t you dance with me,
And I’ll dance with you,
Let the drums bring us around the fire.

Spiral through the songs we sing,
We see beyond what sight may bring,
We open to the voice of harmony.
The drum will be the tie that binds us,
As we leave time and space behind us,
A common ground without any thought of fear.

Dance with me,
And I’ll dance with you,
Dance around the fire here tonight.
Won’t you dance with me,
And I’ll dance with you,
The drums will guide us in this perfect night.

Dance with me,
And I’ll dance with you,
Dance around the fire here tonight.
Won’t you dance with me,
And I’ll dance with you,
Let the drums bring us around the fire.

Oh I know the drums will bring us all around, again.

Friday, December 07, 2007

for you

Place your tongue on the roof of your mouth. You will feel a little groove that it fits in nicely. Breathe in through your nose and out of your mouth. Repeat three times and each time let your body relax, let your shoulders fall, let your eyes and your face relax.
Sit for a second and take a small inventory of yourself. Wiggle your toes, tense and release your leg muscles, feel your stomach go in and out with your diaphragm, feel your chest and your arms and fingers. Take an inventory of your physical body. See yourself with your minds eye. Look down on yourself sitting there relaxed. Look around at your body and see the places that are in pain. Look at yourself like the old operation game and all the things that make you buzz. As you do, realize that is your physical body and you are observing it. Take your perspective back and see your desk, Take it back and scan the globe and think about a few loved ones. Do you see them at work, watching tv, driving? Tell them you love them, and think about another. Think about a close friend. What do you see them doing? Take it further and look across the globe, take a look at the planet. Tell her you love her. Come down again to your city and look down on it. Find your neighborhood. Find your home. See yourself sitting and reading email. That physical body is you, but you are so much more. You are also the observer looking in. Even though it is hard to remember, the physical pain doesn’t touch the observer, it is separate, it is still you. You are not alone, you are loved.

Feeling tired and alone tonight,
I look around and smile.
I may be scared and so unsure,
The path ahead is not clear.
But in this moment I and strong,
And that is enough for me.
Life is full of moments.
Look at this moment now.
One instant of cheer, one instant of relief,
One instant that seems perfectly clear.
If I knew of a way,
To walk one instant at a time.
I could choose and instant and make it repeat
And forever I would be fine.

Monday, September 24, 2007

#1 & #2

#1 What is “Like Minded” about us?
I agree that on the surface the Tenets of Nature Religion – Natural Magic is the obvious answer, so I will try to go a little deeper and see what I discover.

One thing I notice is that we tend to “Know” some things. We have learned lessons from Mother Earth and there is an understanding that has drawn us together. We also seem to “Seek” out answers, questions, and knowledge. We all have a certain level of discernment that allows us to pick out truth within a huge amount of information. It also seems that we are not they type that try to push forth our ideas and hammer them down other peoples throats. We don’t find the need to flaunt our knowledge to try and prove to each other that we read this or did that. We are a practical group of people that walk similar paths at times and have shared experiences that blend together. We want to listen to each other, learn from each other, respect each other and find the harmony. Our differences can be painful at times and we can be thick headed at other times, but most of us have had enough knocks to the head to learn to stop and listen for a while and figure out the lesson laid out before us.

#2
We remember to speak with respect with all things.

This can be a difficult tenet. The purpose of this one is to speak with respect. As we speak with respect it is with all things. It is not just people, it implies all that breathes, swims, flies, moves, grows, changes, and exists. This can be tricky because disrespect can happen so easily. Taking things for granted, not greeting or not acknowledging things can be form of disrespect. Is not speaking to something not speaking with respect? We could probably go around in circles. I think that portion comes with present thinking and being in the now.

One thing that is interesting about this tenet is that the word “remember.” Remember can be used to imply before or after. We almost get an out with this one in those heated moments when we have verbal diarrhea. In the present we remember, but also after the fact we remember. I feel because we are on a learning path we can screw up and we are not perfect, but we are evolving and we process what we say and do in order to make corrections and move forward. We don’t allow ourselves to purposely be disrespectful and we check ourselves to see if we kept respectful when we speak. Perhaps I am wrong on this thought. I reserve that right. It does say speak and not spoke implying present tense and doesn’t say will giving it future tense.

Most of the time this is easier for me than some to follow this tenet. Because my brain works quicker than my mouth, I often don’t say anything or feel that I missed the opportunity to speak. I don’t interject my thoughts and that is something I am working on. Slowing down and formulating my thoughts into words is important. As I am growing older and learning more, I have experiences that can be helpful to others and need to share them. I am noticing that I am experiencing more frustration than I used to. When my blood sugar is low, I get irritated more easily and how I speak becomes as important as what I speak. There is no distinction in this tenet.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

q

I knew you had moved beyond the physical form in March. I saw you at night, I dreamt of you. You were in my thoughts and prayers. I felt relief from you as you were no longer subject to the cancers that you have fought for years. Finally without pain. I refused to say it because it brought with it a lot of sadness. I have dealt with men in my life dying, my uncle, grandfather, Joe, but have yet to loose a female friend. Lia, I know that even though you were on the other side of the country, we had a friendship. I will miss your experience and your written voice. Those opinions of a woman who has traveled to the core of the universe and has grabbed life by the balls and submitted it.

You are missed, you are loved, sacred to my heart, my friend.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Just thoughts

I need to start writing my thoughts down again on a regular basis. It is helpful to get things out, I know this, but I often seem to busy in my own head to make that happen. My son is now almost 1 year old. It has gone by so quickly. I still find it fascinating how he can discover new things daily. I look forward to seeing it.

New discovery,
Precious view,
Open eyes, open mind,
Take on something new,
Sparkle, flash, brilliant light,
Walking dream,
Sleepless night.

I have moved into the diabetes stage of my life. I guess I didn't respect myself enough to prevent this from happening, if I could have from my genetics.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

4u

Sing to the world,
Let your heart flow,
In the joy and the love
That makes your heart grow.
Celebrate, elevate, see the way
You light up the life
Of all that you meet.
Continue to walk your path,
See it through,
And know in your heart,
That we too love you.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

61

So much to tell, can I get it out?
This is my sixty first month of being quit,
Time to shout it out loud.
These last two months have been such a joy.
Send your welcomes to Quinn,
My new baby boy.
He was excited to come,
He just couldn’t wait,
At thirty-two weeks,
He didn’t have much weight.
He is much bigger now,
Out of the hospital and home,
Sharing the love,
Both safe and sound.
Getting to know each other has been fun,
The late nights, dirty diapers, making faces and bathing
All good except the pain of the circumcision.
He his healing fine and eating much more,
He will grow up fast
Who know for what we are in store.
My first child,
Only pride and joy,
I hope I am enough,
A father, a friend, a mentor and more.
I will teach him all I know.
We will learn together much more.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Lights, camera, action

I am not sure where to begin on recapping these last few weeks. Life got scary, exciting, overwhelming and joyous all at the same time. I guess I can look back at the beginning and try to get it all out and if I get busy and can’t finish then I will finish later. So while I have a few minutes let us journey back a few weeks and look at what happened.

Amy went into the doctor’s office with her jelly beans. Broches jelly beans have enough sugar so that 13 of them can take the place of a glucose cola that they make pregnant mothers drink to test for gestational diabetes. You have to eat all 13 in 5 minutes. Most guys would say no problem, but try it and see if you can get past the sweetness of it all when you already don’t feel well and you have someone constantly smack you in the belly. Anyway, she got through her test and she was clear. They tested her blood pressure and it came back reading normal. She scheduled her visit in two weeks.

The next day we went to the prenatal specialist to see our baby for his last scheduled ultrasound. Amy’s blood pressure was elevated. It was 178/101. The doctor said to make some adjustments to her medication and we got to see some pictures of our son. He didn’t want to show himself very much so we only got a take home picture of half of his face. He had chubby cheeks and at this magnification he had quite a big nose. He looked like a combination of a Jewish nose from Amy’s heritage and my grandfather’s Iroquois nose. It made us laugh. This was a Friday morning.

All weekend long Amy wasn’t feeling well. She started having pains on her side. She had me go out in the middle of the night and find her some Tylenol regular strength. That was harder than it seemed. I could find every type of extra strength but nothing in regular strength. When I did find it, it cost 3 times the amount of the extra strength. Talk about supply and demand. She started taking the Tylenol and the pain would go away for a few hours. I figured it was muscle pain or the baby was kicking her ribs.

On Monday she went to work and everyone said she didn’t look well. It wasn’t her usual pregnancy glow. She was still having some pains. When she got home she took her blood pressure and it was still elevated. After dinner she started getting neck and chest pains. They were getting bad and wouldn’t go away. I was worried because it seemed like it was heart attack pain and not pregnancy related. We called the doctor and she described her pain. The doctor said to go in and so the adventure began.

Tear drops of unexpected terror,
Unknown what will come next,
Shattered illusions of plans and fresh beginnings,
By the bed of my love I wept.
Pain, sorrow, confusion,
Could this be just a terrible dream?
Not yet, no hurry, hold on for one more day.
An emotional ride with no destination,
No stop to rest the tired and drained blurr
That keeps giving and giving like that darn bunny
You just want to slam against the wall
To stop the pounding in my head.
This is no ones fault.

How do you consul a mother that has just learned that if she does not deliver her baby 9 weeks early she will do permanent damage to herself and could put both herself and her child in jeopardy of death? Between the tears we decided to contact the family and let them know what is going on. Amy’s liver platelets were dropping and her enzymes where increasing. She was getting proteins in her urine and her blood pressure was very high. They were putting her on Magnesium Sulfate to prevent her from going into seizures and blood pressure medication to try and lower her levels. The baby was not the slightest bit stressed and didn’t care about what was going on. He just wanted mom to eat more ice cream.

The doctors were frantically trying to get a bed for the baby in another hospital. The one that we went to was not equipped to take a child less than 34 weeks old. He needs a specialized NICU so that they can deal with a child that is 30.5 weeks. They couldn’t find one that also had a bed for Amy. There was a treat that the baby would be delivered in this hospital and then transported to another hospital will mom stayed here to recover. Not something that anyone wanted. After calling several hospitals they found one that should have a bed in the morning. She just had to hang on until morning. She made it and they transported her at first light to the hospital she would deliver at and the child would remain at.

When Amy arrived at the medical center she caused all sorts of drama. She was put into a birthing room. It is an uncomfortable bed that they can monitor her and the baby constantly. They prepared her for surgery and attempted to do a blood draw. They tried several times and finally got enough to test. She had stabilized a bit and her blood levels were not dropping. They would wait a few more hours and test again. Amy is a terrible blood draw when she is healthy, when she is blotted and not feeling well it is next to impossible to get blood out of her. The lab techs would come in she would tell them to get the smallest needle they had and warned them they would have a difficult time. They blew her off and after several attempts, bruising Amy, not getting any blood, they would walk away with broken egos and smacked with a reality check that not everyone is just complaining. It got to the point that no one wanted to draw her blood. They would put her off until the next shift. They asked for a pic line be put in so that they wouldn’t have to stick her anymore. She already looked like a heroin junkie and battered, beaten and broken. The IV team was not available to put in a line until the next day so they had an anesthesiologist come in and it took the doctor 3 times to get blood from her femoral artery. Test after test we waited, each time bracing ourselves for the call that we couldn’t wait any longer.

They gave her the first injection of steroids to help the baby’s lungs develop on the second night we were in the hospital. Amy’s mother jumped on a plane and headed out to join us. Neither of us slept, still waiting for the next test. She was holding on and her body and was as well. They got another steroid injection in her in the middle of the night. In the early hours of the morning a phlebotomist came in and was a silent vampire. He checked the id badges, confirmed her identity, strapped up her arm and waited. It didn’t do anything but feel. After 15 minutes he went in with a syringe and took the blood. He was the only person that managed to do it without several attempts and lots of pain. He left without a word and processed her blood.

In the morning her tests came back showing an improvement. She started to feel better. The doctor put off the surgery again and we waited. It seemed that they steroids had an effect on Amy as well as the baby. We could hear him with the Doppler and he was coughing all of the time. Amy felt good, her blood pressure had come down. She was stable. The doctor did his rounds and was amazed at her progress. We managed to get him to 31 weeks got both steroid injections in her and she was settling in for an extended stay. I picked up Amy’s mom at the airport and took her to our house. The doctors told her it was a honeymoon period and they still didn’t give it much time. Amy felt so good she was contemplating if they would send her home. They doctors told her that she was not leaving with the baby still inside her and to not get her hopes up. They prepared her to get into a different room and a more comfortable bed. The birthing bed did not make the best sleeping bed. She moved rooms in the morning and actually got in a shower. The IV team came by and it took them 3 tries to get in a line. They used an ultrasound machine to even search for her veins.

What a ride. Amy was feeling better. Her mom was there to keep her company. I went back to work for a few hours to meet some clients and to talk with the marketing director. Everything seemed like it was going well. Then I got the phone text that the pain was starting again. A little while later I got the call that I should wrap things up and go into the hospital. Then I got the call to hurry, he was going to be delivered tonight. I am frantically driving to the hospital, trying to call people to take care of the dog. I missed the exit, had to get gas. Got on the highway and it was stopped bumper to bumper. Got off, tried a back road that was stopped with construction, went around and went a different way. I got stopped by a train that stopped across the intersection and finally made it to the hospital. Then they said that she was given pain meds and that it would be a little while before the doctor got there. I helped get her shaved and ready for surgery. We then got the call that it was delayed a few hours more because there has to be two doctors and they were finding a second one.

A few hours later, I was dressed in surgical scrubs and fussing with trying to get the foot coverings over my feet. They wheeled her into the surgery room and the gave her a morphine spinal block. The doctor was so happy with hitting it the first time that he was joking with us the whole time Amy was laid out. The doctors came in and she was prepped for surgery. One doctor was giving the nurses a hard time and the other was joking and seemed kind of nervous. They strapped her down, put up the sheet and started to work. In 15 minutes they pulled our boy out kicking and screaming to “The neon lights are bright on Broadway, there is magic in the air.” The NICU doctors where there to measure, weight, test and whisk off to the baby patch. He weighed in at 3lbs 11oz and was 17 inches long. Not too bad for a 31 week child. The fact that he was screaming and he got a 9.8 on his test scores, was amazing. I got to see him for a short period as he was leaving. He was beautiful and had lots of hair on his head.
In the wee hours of the morning I got to inform the family and friends that Quinn was born. They had him on oxygen, but he seemed to be doing ok. It took a few hours for the feeling in Amy’s legs to come back. We enjoyed listening to Queen and a few workers sing as they were cleaning up the surgery room not knowing we were next store in recovery.

It is taking Amy quite a bit of focus to get over her feelings that this was somehow her fault that he was early. She keeps getting into the, what did I do wrong state of mind and wants me to forgive her. Most of the time I let her have her feelings, but I keep reminding her how happy I am that they are both alive and how well she did to get him this far. She ate right, she took her vitamins, she didn’t exert herself physically. She did everything she could. Her body was just done. That is ok. I am happy, relieved excited.

I have gone and seen him every day. I have watched settings on the oxygen tubes get turned down as he took on more and more air on his own. I have watched him switch from air tubes to a nose plug that most people have, and then yesterday he came off of oxygen completely. He may have a few days in the future where he needs help, but no one expects a premi to be free of tubes. He is starting to get formula from a feeding tube and not just IV fluid. He is doing wonderfully. By the time he comes home he should be just fine. His heart ultrasound went fine and today he gets a brain scan.

It was amazing the other day when I got to hold him for the first time. He was wrapped up and handed to me. He was so light. He looked at me for a moment and then when I held him in my arms he just went to sleep feeling safe and secure. It was a wonderful feeling. Mom got to hold him for the first time yesterday and he fell asleep right away in her arms. He loves to be held.

I am in awe at the pure perfection in a new born. It doesn’t matter if they are premature or have gone to full term. They are empty of everything but instinct and love. At times they can have the blankness written in their faces and at other times show the whole world that they are disturbed.

Purity in the simplest form,
The world is nothing to them,
They find comfort in the firm touch,
Hold me and protect me.
No shapes in the still forming eyes,
Sound, taste, smell, sensitive to the delicate touch,
Fullness shows in the overwhelming spirit deep inside.
What wonders are coming next?
One moment in the line of a rolling stone building momentum
Who is hardly aware of the hills and only seeing the blade of grass directly in their path.
That struggle to get started will be gone before we know it.
We begin so quickly yet it is so difficult.
Breathing is the focus now,
Then we need food and drink,
Soon the struggles become natural and we forget the beginnings.
Unknowing what could be, what is, what will be.


As I feel up to it I will expand the story and explain the daily struggles to a new family. Right now I wait for a moment to visit and experience life in one moment increments.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Thanks nicless

Another month smoke free.

Hold your hand,
As we make a stand,
Given strength and wisdom
Through your words.
Chat or mail,
Voice and song,
Tears of triumph,
Through your words.
Matriarch,
Family extended,
Interwoven relations,
Though your words.
Growing, changing,
Giving with your heart,
Letting us discover
Through your words.

Friday, March 31, 2006

Thanks for today

I don’t remember how much I have shared, but since today I celebrate 56 months of being smoke free, I figured I would ramble on a bit.

I look back at the difficulty I had in the beginning. The struggles and the awareness that everything I did had some ritual pattern set into place and most of it involved smoking, not smoking, finding places and doing things that surrounded smoking. I would finish what I was doing and go have a smoke, I would walk the dog many times just to smoke, my car ride to work, out on the road in hotels, hanging out with friends, all had impact on me when I chose to quit. I found this forum after I quit and needed to talk. The people that surrounded me where wonderful, I could trust them and even felt I could give them friendship and love. I started out without revealing my name, I didn’t really want to share more information that I was revealing with poetry and verse. I found a great spiritual awakening occurred after my quit. When I felt I lost it all and my head was spinning, I was able to find a spiritual stillness that help heal the hole I created for myself. After several years I thought that I wouldn’t think about smoking anymore I thought that I would not even remember that I was a smoker. Now I don’t want to forget that I quit, that I survived, that I took control of a piece of my self that I had given away. I just hired someone who smokes, he is the only one in the office. He takes his breaks and I see him smoking and when he comes in I can smell it. We have had to get office air fresheners. I think to myself, did I smell that bad. I remember little comments about how I must have just been out smoking, or my wife saying I must have had a hard day, but I never equated it to how bad I smelled. Now if I go to a bar or a concert, I come home and I can smell it in my clothes on my hair and it was just from being around others. It has been an interesting ride these last few months. My wife is now 19 weeks pregnant and she has the nose of an animal. She is very sensitive to smells and we have a difficult time going out. Here in Vegas it seems everyone smokes. It doesn’t matter what your age it people are smoking. I have seen people in wheelchairs that have oxygen tanks on the back and they are smoking away playing slot machines or blackjack. I have only found one poker room that is nonsmoking. Anyway, we are making sure we stay away from smoke while she is pregnant and it gives me other reason to be thankful I have quit. I have a son on the way and I want to be around as long as I can as well as I him to see me as a nonsmoker. I don’t want him remembering me smelling like smoke and having trouble breathing. I want him to remember my compassion, my love, my inner strength. It is a scary thought that I am going to be a father. After ten years of marriage it was a tough choice to make. Then there was no second guessing it because she got pregnant the very first month she went off of the pill. My life is changing again and for someone who has a difficult time with change this will be one heck of a ride. Thanks for letting me ramble on a bit.
Many blessing on your journey,
Peter

I look into the mirror,
And see me staring back,
Wondering what this day will bring,
Will I face the fact
That today will be a new day
Unlike the one before
New moments to walk
New webs to weave
A chance to do much more
Will I make the most of my day?
Will I greet the morning sun?
Will I wear a smile on my face?
Can I give it to everyone?
Can I get through without worry,
Without anger, and without fear?
Can I walk today with my head held high
And step into the clear?
My hopes and dreams,
My vision pure,
My path to make mistakes,
The revealed and the more obscure.
Will I be an example?
Will I show my truth?
Does it matter if no one sees me?
That is why I look into the mirror.
That is why I look at my self.
I made the choice to view my path,
To make steps,
To be me,
To grow.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Upcoming Imbolc

I have so many things to post.... I need to make time to discuss them all.
I turned 33, I am going to be a father this year, work, play, life... lots of drama....

I was musing today so I thought I would put it down before it was lost.




In the night of smith craft, healing, and inspiration;

Bard our craft,

Sing the songs of the wind,

Breathe our health,

Flow in life,

Wisdom our inspiration,

Refreshed in Spirit

Blacksmith our craft,

Burn the path of change,

Flames our health,

Forged new in desire and direction,

Passion our inspiration,

Purified in Spirit

Dowsing our craft,

Clarify our choices,

Drink our health,

Bathe in the waters of life,

Love our inspiration,

Cleansed in Spirit

Farming our Craft,

Grounded in the rich earth

Eat our health,

Solid in our foundation,

Knowledge our inspiration,

Nourished in Spirit

Now that our spirits are Refreshed, Purified, Cleansed, and Nourished,

Find your beginnings, this first step in many that lead to the creation of the wheel.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

remembering 52 months

It is sometimes strange to look back and think about the last 52 months of being smoke free. Even though I have made the choice not to smoke until I am at least in my nineties or ever, I get reminded of the struggles I went through periodically by others around me or situations I am in. I was standing outside the other day at a youth detention facility that is located on a mountain side with someone who lit up a cig. He had quit for six weeks after a laser therapy session and had recently started again. It reminded me of all the times I had tried and failed and all of the schemes and deals I would make with myself to justify that one more smoke.

I just went to a concert the other night and was having a great time 15ft from the stage, people all around me singing and dancing, and a majority of them smoking. Billows of smoke where poring out of these people. A few of them where trying to be nice and blowing the smoke upwards, or at least trying not to blow it in our faces, but many didn’t give it a thought. I came home smelling like an old ashtray and there wasn’t anything I could do to get that smell away until I took a shower and washed the clothes. I remember a time when I must have smelled like that all the time and I couldn’t really notice it because I was so used to it.

Smoking is a powerful addiction, I am glad that I have struggled through the worst of it and have made it to where I am today. I live in a town where I see smokers on a daily basis. I interact with them and remember my quit. After 52 months, I will not be smoking. I am thankful for the help I have received and send prayers of support to those of you working through your struggles in this addiction.

Today I dream

A moment of peace

About a place

Where you can do anything

Touch the stars

Hold the wind

Breathe the ocean

Lift your feet up off the ground

Why is it only in fantasy

That we explore

Let ourselves be free

We hold on tight

To the things we have learned

The unknown too scary

Burdens too strong

Comfort from choices

Never to far

Mixing emotions with fear

Tearing them all apart

Vision beyond the known

Failing and learning

The next path to take

Will this one be better

Let us find out

If it isn’t, then so what

We can move on

We can be strong

We can make our way

We can go beyond

We can be alive and moving

We can dance and grove to the music

We can

We can

We can

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

So many things

I don't know where to beging with all of the things that have been going on lately. Amy had her Gala and I helped her with the auction and set-up. It was wonderful to see her at work in her environment. Work has been busy and now I see the problems of lots of work with no budgets to get them all done. I attended a set of classes on Litergy from the Pagan perspective and reinforced ideas on how to do ritual for both private and public events. I went to the desert for bone-dance and had a wonderful time. I am going to be getting my large tattoo soon and I am excited. I miss my family, but we can't leave our dog in a boarding house for very long because of her age and so we won't be able to travel for the holidays. Fortunately my father is coming for a week and it will be nice to spend some time with him again. Perhaps we can go out into the desert and visit some of the beauty that surrounds us. I am tired a lot these days, I am not sleeping soundly, my dreams are sparitic at best and it is bringing my down. My focus and motivation to do things is lacking and I hope that I can snap out of this soon. I would like to be more in the moment and less out of it.

There are so many other things I want to talk about but I don't have time this morning. I have to go attend a County meeting and talk about our upcoming work.

Love to all..

Friday, September 30, 2005

50 months quit

Today is my 50 month anniversary from quitting smoking. Life is so different now. It still has its episodes of drama, I still wonder about life and my role in it, but I am at a different level in my life. My spiral has taken me to adventures I wasn’t even expecting. I don’t really give smoking much though anymore other than noticing how bad it smells when I am walking through a casino, or eating at a restaurant. I am trying to figure out how to get those 5 minute breaks I used to take all the time and what to do in them. I need to create a CD packed full of 5 minute songs that I can meditate to and spend some time focusing and centering.

My health is better. Three months ago, I had a scare that I am following the family tradition of developing diabetes. I still may, but I changed my life around a bit and now everything is more normal. My three month blood sugar level is down, my fasting sugar is down, my cholesterol, and fat levels are down. I lost a little weight, not much, but some, and my doctor was very happy and quite surprised that I managed to make a lifestyle change, enough to affect the results. If I could get my stress levels down, I might just make it after all.

Laying bed, watching the shadows,

Seeing the images race through my head,

Finding a peace in the midst of confusion,

Holding a thought when it is all so unclear.

I race through my battles,

Search for more answers,

Get nothing but questions,

No sense of knowing,

What is coming ahead.

If I take it by moments,

Toward the goals that I aim for,

I know I’ll make it, one step at a time.

It doesn’t have to be hard.

Making a change can be broken down.

Practice the motions,

See it through clearly,

When all else is failing,

Smile and move on.

You have nothing left to fear,

Take the action and will it to be so.

Open you heart to love,

Love for yourself, love for it all,

Let loose the baggage, there is no room.

Lay back and let it all go,

See your images clearly,

For once and for all.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

wonderment on a bad day

I sit alone and wonder why.
What can I do besides watch the days go by?
Work takes up most of my time,
But life is more than just making a dime.
Is this the life I am to lead?
Just waiting for the next assignment to come to me.
I know that I support more than my family.
I know the importance of the work that I do.
But, my intrests seem to fade away,
My ecploration of life is no longer in clear view.
I have all of these ideas,
Pictures in my head,
Creation of beauty
Building more, inventingm, supplying creativity.
But I am just a fool and only sit and wonder
Big ideas that really go no where.
Why can't I just shut up about it,
I don't take steps, I am insecure.
This is a land of posible dreams.
I have to sit an maintain my means.
Life can turn from safe to worse
In the blink of an eye
So I do nothing with what little time I have.
Mentally down, drained and broken
Waiting for nothing and getting nothing in return.

I don't want to be this passer by
I don't want to just sit and wonder why
The life I want can be more than just a dream
I have the power, I have the way and means
Taking control, making the moves
Building a road, using all my tools
Open my eyes and see the world
Open my voice and let it all unfurl
Creating life and moving on
I have the power, create desire, will it to be done

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Personal Responsibility

What does this tenet/affirmation mean to you?

"We practice personal responsibility in our daily lives".


To me the duty of practicing personal responsibility has many facets. I have to do the things I say I am going to do, take care of my self in mind, body, and spirit, answer for the things that I have done, and push myself to be open and honest with everyone including myself. The idea of practice to me comes from the fact that it is often difficult to recognize personal responsibility. We stay in situations too long, obsess about things, overlook things that would benefit us, do things that are self defeating, do things without thinking about them. So we have to practice and practice and recognize what is our best action and reaction to the life that is happening right now. We can’t blame others for situations we put ourselves in. We can choose to change things. We can change tones, clarify, understand the bigger picture, we can remove ourselves, and move on. We have to be active in our daily lives, just going through the motions, isn’t always in our best interests.

I am a spiritual person, and everything I do involves my spiritual practice. It is difficult for me to feel like I am being spiritual in the work place, but doing my job to my best ability and with my being is spiritual. I have to work to support my family. I recognize that I may not be doing exactly what I want to be doing, but I have put myself in this situation and made commitments that have to be kept.

I have to be as healthy as I can to live as full a life as possible. I haven’t made all the best healthy choices in the world, I enjoyed smoking for many years, I do like sweet things, there are some wonderful drugs out there, I don’t like working out just to work out, but I have made those choices and have chosen to work through them.

Practicing personal responsibility in my daily life means that I don’t blame my actions on others, if I need more information, then I try and get it, if spirit is trying to speak, I listen or I suffer the consequences, I try and pay my debts, I stay involved with my community, life, work, family, and my self. When I feel that I fail, I evaluate and learn. I practice, I change, I evolve, I help, I work with others to keep on keeping on.

This statement is plural, we practice, our personal lives. We can learn from each other and help each other recognize our personal needs, and work through our problems. We are a Tribe of individuals, a family, not alone in all of this.

Awaken the eyes of the child,
See clear and know yourself,
Illusions, misinformation,
Unknown awareness,
Pull clear the vail,
Speak the words from your heart
Let love move through your being,
Grow, tell your tale and move on.
The adventure only begins right now,
And the now is quickly going by,
See through those eyes
Tell me what you see
Tell me what will be
Speak of those possibilities
Let your mind be free
Remember and know...


Tuesday, August 30, 2005

49 months

Walking with me,

Holding my hand,

Remembering life,

Setting us free.

You don’t walk alone,

A place in my heart,

More than what’s shown.

You have helped me to stand,

Sometimes I’m silent,

But here I still am.

I love all the things that you do.

When there is doubt,

I just think of you.

You have allowed me to be,

More than just a quitter,

Free to be me.

Finding my way to more,

I’ll never forget you,

You can be sure,

A smile inside,

An appreciation for you.

Thank you,

Thank you,

Many blessings too.


Today I it is 49 months since I have quit smoking.

I feel a little ill, but will be alright..

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

To Joe

My story with you is rather short,

Five years of life gone in the blink of an eye,

A friend, a mentor, a grandfather past,

I knew our time to chat would not last.

You were there for me, guided me, and allowed me to grow,

The impact of which you never did know.

I only see you now beyond the pastures,

Across the lake I hear you in quiet laughter,

The part of me that knows the answer

To spiritual practice in everyday life,

Taking it all to brand new heights.

My friend you live on in all that I do,

Gather and climb, build fresh and renew,

At one and at peace a part of the call,

Safe journey to you at balance with all.

Thank you for the time in my life that we had,

Remembering it all makes me happy not sad.

For I wouldn’t change anything,

No regrets, no should have been, not one thing,

********************************************


I want to be in the moment clear,

To dance and sing and wiggle my rear,

Spiritually free to find the way,

The spiral path that I am on today.

Changes happen faster when you can see,

All the potential that there can be.

Listen to the birds sing, mystery,

The blowing wind through the bending trees,

The insects walking by on the ground,

The wisdom of life all around.

Wake to the beauty of the budding flower,

The fruits of life both sweet and sour.

Finding the passion in the simplest touch,

Especially so in those places we all love so much.

Keep the heart sacred,

Fulfilling and not wasted,

Sing, dance, be open, honest, respectful, and Free.

*****************************************


You can change the world one heart at a time.

Just be true to your self and you will do just fine.

Your action will speak of your inner nature.

Honoring spirits and respecting your makers.

Ancestors listen and taste your fears.

Walk with them daily, throughout your years.

They can help you,

They can guide you.

You can learn from their mistakes,

Their success and knowledge are the tools they make.

You can derive clues to your own path.

Discernment, involvement, evolvement, ride the waves and learn the past.

Opening up and finding the news,

Asking the questions about what to do.

Making mistakes, trying new things,

Go out on that limb,

Let your heart sing.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

First Harvest

Eyes awaken to warmth and illumination,
Full and fresh, feeling revived and aware,
Sparked from the seed, alive with expectation,
Nourished, replenished, potential made clear,
From the air we breathe in and refresh our spirit,
From the water we cleanse and refresh our soul,
In the fire we purify and shine through the darkness,
In the rich earth we grow and balance our whole,
Father the Sun that shines bright in the heavens,
Mother the Earth alive dancing in the flow,
Together we live in a sacred balance,
Divine in the grove our heart center known.
Give rise to the power that we have been given,
Present and focused, beyond all that’s shown.

Awake in the garden of life spread before us,
The Sun touches all with a kiss pure in light,
Fuel for our lives, full of a song’s daily chorus,
We live in the presence even at night,
The reflection of all connected and shining,
Abundance made clear, Father Sun keep shining bright.


*******************************
This is the second time I am writing this portion of the blog. The first portion was erased when I went to go spell check. Fogive the misspellings, I don't want to type everything out again, I will probably leave some stuff out anyway.

This is a special time of year for me. Yesterday was my wedding anniversary, ten years, tommorrow is my grandparent's, I think 55. My sister's birthday is in a few days and it was a special present for me when she was born when I was a kid, I love her a lot. I quit smoking 4 years ago, we got our dog ten years ago after our wedding. It is also the dark birthday of Joseph. He died a year ago this week and was born into is next phase of being.

My blood sugar has been fairly steady during the day, as long as I stay away from extra sweets and processed foods. It has been strange for me though because I wake up with high sugar levels, it must be all of those sweet dreams I have. I am hoping to change my metabolism and loose some weight or at least replace some fat with muscle. I think I will feel better and if I can change things up, then I may not have to be on medications.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Update

There is a lot going on right now.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I woke at 3am and just laid there and went over all of the stuff that has to be done for PPD and I couldn't get it out of my head. I tried thinking about other stuff, but I still couldn't sleep. Perhaps it was nerves about my sonagram this morning. I drifted off for a short period and found myself in one of my flying dreams that I haven't had in a long time. When I was a kid it was a regular occurance, I could just lift up my feet and go, usually I had a hat on that I would grab a hold of. This dream was like I was swimming feet first in the air. I knew I was dreaming so I controlled my flying. It was interactive. In my dream I said, this is a dream so I can control this. I probably missed out on any messages or information from my dream because I was busy flying around hallways. I was starting to get pretty good when my alarm woke me.

It was fun having my cousins and aunt and uncle over for the 4th. I miss the family sometimes, but am still happy out here in Vegas. We did lots of things, went to the Chili Peppers and Weezer concert, went swimming, went to the sharks reef, showed them around Vegas, ate out, saw Penn and Teller, BBQed and played games. It made for a busy weekend, but well worth it.

Open dreams
Let the days go by
Whipering
Get up and fly
Sharing heart felt love
Blessings from above
Finding truth
Acepting why
Beginnings
Centered Strength
Focus brand new
I love you

Thursday, June 30, 2005

I sit back this morning

Thinking of places that I’ve been

Remembering the struggles at times

The cravings that would never end

Then I remember you

How you touched my heart

Guiding me along the way

Just by being who you are

Depression, anxiety, the urge to go back

Missing a piece of me

Learning from the mistakes

Finding where I’m at

Taking life day by day

Living just to be

I can’t go back to where I’ve been

I have come way too far

One step at a time

No matter what

Today I’m alive and doing well

Right now I am doing fine

Today marks 47 months smoke free. At almost 4 years it is a new world that I look at. You don’t think about all that much, the times I do it is the constant and habit I miss not the smoke, smell and taste. I go into the Casinos when people visit and they reek of smoke. I come home and my cloths and hair smell. I just bought a new car and it is nice knowing that no one has smoked in it.

I found out that I have 3 months to make a lifestyle change or I will be diagnosed with diabetes. I am in the pre-stages. It runs in my family, so I have to fight now before I am too late. It will be hard, but I will do it. I will treat it like my smoking quit and take it one day at a time and make the choices I need to make in order to see the outcome the way I want it to be.

Blessings to you all.

……….

On the quitnet forum someone asked about spirit and religion, I was feeling odd this morning, so I wrote......


The spirit is for you, religion is for the masses. Finding your center and balance can be a difficult one, but very do-able.

find some wonderful poems

take a slow walk

look around at the world through different eyes

you may find your not so far off

the birds sing a tune

what do they say

the wind blow across the land

have you felt it on your face

discovering a world full of life

you are on your way

can you quantify your feelings

when you see a child at play

when a dog gives you unconditional love

just for not going away

experience and explore

discover the you in all

finding pleasure in a small kiss

or walking through a store

where are you

what do you want

how are you today

check in with your spirit now

look at life in a brand new way

sorry, that just kind of came out. I am celebrating 47 months today and so far everything feels like a musical....lol.

But seriously, go sit in on a meditation, or go explore one of the hidden communities that are in your city. There are more beliefs out there than you think. Talk with them and have fun exploring.

Blessings in harmony,

Peter

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Head Case

When will my heart break free,
Opening the way,
Following the Path to be.
My head is so full,
It weighs my mind,
Messing with the balance,
I'm looking to find.
Open my mouth,
The words don't come out,
Frustrating me more,
So that I want to shout.
Sitting in silence,
calming me down,
Heart centered focus,
Is where I am found.

I don't know why I don't have a voice, or anything to say. I just sit in distraction and don't feel inclined to fill the silence. I know it is tough to be around me when I get like this, but I don't know how to fix it. Is it lack of energy, what would help? Sometimes I do feel lost.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Who

Who is in the Toteg Tribe and what do they mean to me? Currently there are nine members to the Tribal council. I consider Traveler, Q, Aisling to be Aunt/Mother like to me. Stuart is not unlike an Uncle. JJ, Nahani, and Jaelle are like big sisters to me. I feel like I am the youngest of this close family. We have all known each other for several years online and were all family before Joe died. I would open my house to any of them. There are a couple dozen other Toteg members online and there are many of them that I feel I know fairly well. We are all a family. We have the same basic principles of life. We believe in our Tenets with cultural respect and integrity. Many of these people are married or have partners that have different beliefs, but that is the same with most families. It is hard to explain the connection that we all have. Some of us have big lumps on our heads from speaking without thinking, or trying to make something out of nothing. We help each other and walk together. We understand paths and differences that make us unique and wish for nothing but the best with heart filled love and sacredness.

We are Toteg Tribe.

Don’t look beyond my words,

Don’t read into my actions,

Know my heart,

Know my love,

Take comfort there.

Find peace and walk with me.

Don’t judge out of fear,

Inner strength, below and above,

Center your heart,

Calm your reaction,

Listen to what you heard,

Believe in you, us, and me.

Together we are complete.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Just a ramble

Not much to say,
I feel my mind closing around me,
Walking a line that seems painted by dreams,
Frustrated and unsure,
Mixed emotion,
None distinct,
Scream aloud,
Get a grip,
Hold on so nothing will slip,
Back to the same old thing,
Here I go again,
The cycle spins once more,
Crying and crawling across the open floor.

I am not feeling good right now. I am not sleeping well and my coughing is frustrating me because I can't seem to calm my muscles to sleep. My body wants to violently expel every thing that is not supposed to be inside of it. My mental fatigue is starting to show and my focus is gone once more. I feel like I am loosing the battle of control. I just want to escape for a while. Sleep a sleep unknown by me in recent memory.

later

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Believing

I wrote a bunch of stuff and just deleted it because it was too wordy and I don't think it got anywhere.

Positive thinking isn't necessarily disbelieving what information you are given, it is just taking what info you have and guiding it into a direction that is where you are headed. You can overcome somethings and push them into the get more info so I can understand more when I get there, but it is tough to train yourself to not take what little info you have and run with it in a this is it type direction.

Making things happen as you go is different than coming upon something and changing it.

Denying signs are showing up wouldn't be positive thinking, just denial. Say you are seeing an immune system throw on some kick-ass armor and whipping some butt and beating it into submission is heading in the right direction. I have found more things manifest when you are there working it while it is happening. Control and manifest what you are paying attention to through your intention. Set an intention and pay attention on how to make it happen.

When I used to canoe on some pretty wild rivers, I would get into this zone where I would just react and even predict what was going on without question. Going in between rocks that destroyed other canoes. For some it was like we just went through them or where let through for someone more tastier or too analytical. Some of the greatest experiences come through play and moments of clarity. Get into that groove of knowing what is going to come up, not just wanting a specific outcome.

I have helped heal by taping into the energy that is all around us and seeing it do specific things. I have also seen things that didn't want to go away and just grabbed a hold of them and ripped them out.

I have probably just walk around in a circle and mumbled to myself, so I will get back to work and hopefully I can put into words what I am trying to say some other time.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Vernal Equinox

This past vernal equinox was very special to me. I learned some things about my self and I was more aware of new connections that I have started in my steps along the spiral. My celebration began on Friday. I made a choice to be by myself and let myself be at peace from all of the burdens that I place in my heart. I spent some time in reflection and I meditated on my life as it is now. I saw all of my paths, all of my dreams, all of the spokes of my wheel, and looked to see if my holes where really holes, or just new places to store possibilities.

I woke Saturday with a charge and ran to the DMV to observe others in their reaction of confinement and chaotic order. I spent an hour and a half of chosen impedance to register new vehicles and pay my luxury tax for the privilege of moving faster from point A to point B and to give myself more choices in life’s activities. It becomes fascinating to watch people who are set upon a purpose and awaiting their number to be called with as little interaction with others as possible. They contemplate life, their day, the why’s and the what-for, money, property, jobs, clothes, opinions of others, family, but are any of them contemplating Spirit? Can they see themselves and others as the beings they are? Can they face the moment they are living, or because they don’t want to be there, are they seeing the moments ahead or behind? Can someone be spiritual at the DMV?

I left there and stopped by a little store I saw while driving around. It was filled with art, statues, fountains, furniture, and many other things from different countries in the Far East. Thai, Chinese, Japanese, Korean and many other cultures represented for your eyes to discover. Some items where very old, some where new, but they all spoke of their journey. The shop had been broken into the night before and an officer was filling out a report while I looked around, the sense of security and hope was transformed into anger and fear, I left sending them peace and love in their personal rebuilding process.

I went to the dry cleaners and talked to the owner about their new home and listened to a child play and send her baby to doctor and play with her friend. The joy and innocence of play in its pure form was touching. I then went and met a friend for lunch, talked about Pagan Pride Day and shared in the discovery of unique stringed instruments. We ran all over the place looking for tools and materials to make them playable. The time slipped by and traffic delayed me and I missed attending my tribal equinox ritual so I went to the Dance of Sacred Balance and took a journey into personal discovery.

I looked into myself and brought the focus on my polarity. I looked, breathed, dance, voiced, and saw through the eyes of the Sun and the Earth. I saw the strength, the power, the forceful, the passive, the passion, the fire, the rhythm, and made clear choice in my perception. Switching from one to the other, joining and separating, noticing my reaction both physically and spiritually showed me the parts of my self that I sometimes neglect to bring to the front and show the world around me.

I felt a special touch from the Sun and the pull to bring more of the Sun into aspects of my life. Being of both the Sun and the Earth, I must strive for the balance and be strong in my connection to them. I have spent time in my connection to the Earth, Mother knows my heart. I must give time to knowing Father so that I can know all of me. I must keep the heart sacred. I live in the desert and am a part of it now. If I do not know the Sun in this place, I will not be in balance. This last year allowed me to taste the transition from the Midwest to the Southwest. I must now embrace it. During the next few seasons I must have the strength to focus and discover the neglected portion of myself that is the Sun. It is the time of birth and transition my spiral must turn.

After the Dance of Sacred Balance I decided to imprint my spiritual needs in the form of a new tattoo. I combined the various aspects of my life right now and derived a symbol that meets my needs. I combined the Toteg Tribe symbol, the eight spoke wheel of balance, and a new protector in my journey, the turtle. It shows the union of the Sun and the Earth in the sunrise, the spiral journey of the golden, the balance of the directions, the turning of the wheel, and set within a protector and companion. My next tattoo was going to be a soul catcher with the heads of polar bears, but I decided that it will come at the right time and right now this is what I need.

On Sunday I did mindful work and then picked up my wife from her journey at the airport. I then went and joined with others in the celebration of the equinox and discovered the fairies in their child state. Everything from simple joy to pure intent, I watched them discover the hidden fruit, saw them demand attention, watched them give freely, they played and lived truly even as they tested boundaries and personal will. There was even wonder in the glimpse of the child in the gathered adults and big children. Love was shared from the core to all and the transition to a time between was quite refreshing. I have never interacted with the fey of the world, to me they were always just a step into the fantasy and not into perception. I had felt that I would rather interact with the birds, insects, rocks and trees, and less into the workings of such things. I was happy to glimpse the world of the fey. They became a step more real to me. Perhaps in time they will touch me more. For now I will communicate with the spirits and continue on my spiral.

Thank you to my family, my tribe, my friends, and my love.

Arise and awake

The Sun shines and the day is new

My heart awakes to life once more

Shift upon the axial

Balanced for a moment

The rise and fall of the cycle

Adding in harmony to make one

Propagation and creation

Only stillness in the finite distance

Move back and see it all

Push forward and let your light be one with the Sun

All must change

All must transition

Allow yourself to raise your face

Greet the heart with open arms

Let the dew absorb

Listen to your needs

Accept them as they come

You control the print of what you can be

Don’t be afraid to adjust and push on

The Sun shines and the day is new

Arise and awake

Thursday, February 24, 2005

food

Taking the seed, the fruit, the essence

Planting it, loving it, creating the way

Sharing, caring, giving, needing

Transformation in the heat of the day

A moment, a season, a cycle, a turn

Stretching through from momma's clay

Possible, probable, the solution is solvable

Consume it in or give it away

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Second Tenet

The Toteg chat this last Tuesday was on the Tenets. They went through the second and third one. I was late and missed the discussion, so I am going to touch on the second Tenet. I will start doing these on a regular basis here to keep them in our sacred hearts so that they can help us in our growth and understanding. I started discussing them last year and only discussed the first Tenet. We can discuss any of them at any time so please bring them up if you are so moved.

I guess I will start by going through words or a couple of words and then expand.

We know that all things are children of the Earth Mother and Sky Father, and thus we are all related.

We – Toteg Tribe, people, ancestors, not just the I, many, multiple, not you and they, together

Know – didn’t just read it somewhere, live it, apart of us, it isn’t just an understanding, personal truth

That – A statement of what we know, declaration We know that

All – Encompassing, collective, everything

Things – matter, material, not just people, descriptor, what surrounds us, what we have understanding of,

It is a difficult word to pin down to a specific, perhaps we should discuss this further.

Are - Plural to IS, a bold and declarative statement, We know that all things are

Children – product of, a relationship, an association, derived from, reproduction, genetic

Of – caused by, separated but same, composed or made, connected, identification

The – used singular or plural nouns, one, identification, title, proper, class identification

Earth – the third planet from the sun, the land, the soil, the productive part, temporal, substance, lair, the ground, realm, our relative understanding, matter

Mother – conceives, gives birth to, raises, nurture, female parent, female ancestor, woman of responsibility, an origin, love and tenderness, biggest of its kind

And – connection, not just one, multiple, in addition to, union

Sky – above, the heavens, the highest, upper most, the expanse, celestial

Father – male, parent, ancestor, originator, prototype, leading, begets, nurtures, seed

And thus – therefore, consequently, in this manner, product, equals

We – all of us, inclusive, all that is indicated, Toteg Tribe, the things

Are – statement, declaration of the product

All – each together, it applies

Related – being connected, associated, common origin, harmonic closeness, kinship, family, ancestry

So we as the Toteg Tribe know, live, understand, that everything that surrounds us, the people, animals, plants, organisms, everything associated with this planet comes from the relationship and union of the Earth and Sky, the Mother and Father.

This is a huge statement of beliefs. Is “things” the correct word in this statement? There is an implication of physical and tangible, and in context it works. If we start talking about other planets and the celestial we have to expand the definition of Earth to mean matter not just our planet. The Sky is inclusive of the Sun, the gases, everything above the solid.

I know that there are lots of things we can discuss here, so let me hear it. This is just one way of analyzing this Tenet. What is yours?

Friday, February 11, 2005

Gentle Reminder

I will finish my accounts of Mysterium and some poetry created during shortly. I just wanted to express a couple of things before I have to spend the day working like crazy to keep up with everything at work.

Work and schedules and tasks that we have or feel we are going to have add to our complexity of life. Most of us would like nothing better than to do the Arts, the Sciences, the Healing, the Entertaining, the Feeding, and anything else that peaks our interest as the moments change. We work hard to get to the next phase in our development so that we are relieved by the burdens that society places on us. Many feel that they don't get paid enough, or don't have the money to do this or that, or they must sacrifice some other aspect of their lives to live and survive in an ever changing world. There are few that have manifested their vocation to be at a level where they can do everything they dream of doing.

When life seems extremely stressful and your mind feels like it is going to break with the burden at hand take, a moment in pure oneness. Within our hearts we hold an alter to various things, it could be Mother and Father, God and Goddess, Love and Kindness, Spirit, Self, Vast Awakening and more. Pause for a moment during extreme stress and let yourself be washed with connection, oneness, love, and know peace. Know that in that moment you have no need of anger, worry, frustration, stress, hatred, fear, doubt, disharmony or anything that upsets your balance. You are allowed to breathe in the strength of your heart. Silent your mind for a moment and hear the sounds of life, even those that you do not normally hear. Reach out and let go of your boundaries. The moment of clarity and stillness is yours, you just have to take it. When you have taken your moment, then look at the task at hand and do what is required. What is it that is required of you? Can you do your task at hand with your whole self and with loving kindness? Is your emotional state overwhelming your mental and spiritual sides? Calm your waters and allow the air and the fire within your earth burn towards transformation. When there is too much of one part, the solution and the problem may not balance and more work will be needed. You don't need a bucket of water to pore on the match, the match can go out by either burning it self out, the right amount of air to blow it out, buried under the sand, or put into the water. To pore on the bucket would then require a mop. Be cautious though and watch the match go out, because it could turn and use the air and the earth as its pillars and grow to the point that a bucket would not contain enough water and complete change would occur.

Silence the worry, work with your being, and show loving kindness to all.

Blessings in harmony.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

A week of new beginnings

So much has happened this last week that my words will only scratch on the surface of my experience, so bare with me as I try to recap a week of elemental change in my life.

Monday I attended a healing share at the Tantric Shaman Institute. It was their last gathering in the Wonder Dome and I wanted to be around some healers for a while. The night started with some general grounding and centering and an explanation on what was going to take place. There were many people and so there was laid in the circle 5 receiving blankets where people would lay while others worked on them. Scattered around where the Tibetan singing bowls and bells. The whole idea as I saw it was that the people around the outside created and maintained the healing circle with sound and distant healing. The people in the middle would transfer the healing to those laying on the blankets. After a while people would rotate and give and receive as much as they needed. There was a candle and smudge to clear and break your connections if you needed them. I enjoyed it immensely and the only problem I had was giving to people lying on the floor. My legs and my back make it uncomfortable at times, so much of my healing was through breathe, sight, and sound. Lots of distant healing occurred, although I did work on a couple of people. I enjoyed being around healers and seeing the different methods at work. I felt wonderful and I will enjoy attending again when they set a place and time.

Tuesday evening was a Desert Moon Circle ritual to honor the divine within all and to begin the year with harmony and love in the Mother and Father. The circle of the year began and I felt blessed to be apart of it. The connection with each of the elements felt strengthened and I enjoyed the interaction with this tribe of people.

Tuesday and Wednesday I spent the days down in Bullhead City starting up their PLC network. It was frustrating at times, but the drive was wonderful and I finally got to listen to some music that I have been wanting to hear.

Thursday was a potluck for Mysterium. I got to meet a bunch of people and listen to some inspiring music.

Friday was the Mysterium Witch and Wizards ball. We opened up the weekend and danced. It was my third Candledance and I felt wonderful being there.

Saturday began with a talk on Kabalah from a wonderful woman, mother, and practitioner. I enjoyed the interaction and it felt great learning things from a different perspective. We then listened to a fascinating talk on the Magic of words. The Connection between the different religions of the world as well as the Thelema perspective felt like I was seeing and listening to a touch of life in a form of purity. It was well put together and I was very happy that I was there. Later we discovered the element of fire and were engaged in transformational practice.

I will write more about all that transpired when I have a little more time.

Monday, January 31, 2005

42 months

As the days go by you remember
All of the struggles that got you to where you are
You take it all in
Wander the road up ahead
Look all around and you will see
The vision and the wisdom that has come
Open your arms to the sky
Spin around and discover your feelings
Hear the wind
Smell the dreams
Touch all your boundaries
Beyond sight
Take your flight
Discover new possibilities
You are free to send
This doesn't have to end
Apart of everything
Hold your head up high and sing
Let it ring
Let your heart be a peace
For today you can give in to your dreams
Make the most of the day
With nothing left behind
You can walk without the fear
Let your problems disappear
Sharing love
Your heart will light the way

Celebration of 42 months smoke free.....
Thank you, me

Thursday, January 13, 2005

To Charles Kipp

Even if I knew nothing of you,

Those at your side would show me your heart.

Even if I had never met you,

Those from your path would change me for life.

Even if I never touched your gifts and your spark,

My heart would still ache from your passage last night.

To see such a spark carried by those all around,

Ignites my desire to see where it is found.

Your life has been tempered and gone through the fold,

From strength in your wisdom and stories you’ve told.

Beyond the fear,

Beyond the unknowns,

Sits the oneness that exists in the hearts of us all.

I thank you for being,

I thank you for sharing your part,

Blessings and guidance,

In the journey to start.

Walk on in the sacred,

Continue with ease,

Free from your burdens,

Beyond all that we see.

Enter with your wisdom,

With your love,

Knowing more,

Guiding light,

You live in our hearts.

Safe journey,

Pleasant nights.

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Simply overwhelming

Christmas and the New Year are so hectic right now. Yesterday we spent the day getting rid of over 110 gallons of water from our living room. The inspector should be coming tomorrow to tell us exactly what happened. Then we have to fix it.

Got blessed by a Tibetan monk
Attended an OTO mass
Attended DMC Yule
Went out to dinner for Xmas eve
Opened presents from family
Ordered a new violin bow and strings
Ordered an exercise ball and bands
Supposed to fly to Colorado on short notice, living room flood caused me to screw over somebody at work and send them
Back hurts from bending, lifting and twisting
I need a drink!!!!

In a few weeks, I will send out the call for help for Pagan Pride 2005. I have to put together the committees that I want to run things. Basically list out all the aspects, see if anyone wants to take it and run.


Thursday, December 16, 2004

Learning from Nature

This is my topic tonight for tonight's Las Vegas Pagan Information Exchange. There is so much more to say, but I don't want to bore them. I want to do a group meditation and just talk. I will try to start with this and then hopefully we will break free from it.

Learning from Nature

Our Awareness of Nature

Nature is a non-verbal reality except for humanity. When we describe something in nature we use our abilities to share our perception. The problem is that in describing it, we are limited and many times disconnect from it. We lose the wholeness of it because of our limits. We often get into short cuts with our relationship to the natural world. We separate our awareness from the world around us. We lose interest, or things become so common place that we take things for granted. We go through motions that we have learned to work. We drive or walk around and only see things that catch our eye or have specific interest to us. Think for a minute that nature is like the words on this page. Most of the time we just speed read right though what is in front of use. We look at the ideas and try and comprehend what we are reading. That is fine for the most part, but more and more the words disappear, the letters are pressed together. We know them and the individual letters are not important to us anymore. As a child or someone learning to read, each letter and sound was a discovery to us. We were delighted in our ABC’s. We took a step in our development. Our awareness changed and more of the world was opened to us. Letters formed words, words formed sentences, and ideas could be shared in more than one form.

Let us take some time and open the awareness to the world around us.

We really have not lost our connections to nature. It affects us every day. It shapes us and works to live a very active life. When you stop and look at the world around us you can see how active it really is. The wind blows, the ants search for food, trees soak in the sun, flowers deliver their intoxicating aroma, even water and rocks are active parts of the world around us. Listen to the traffic, hear the ice-cream man, hear the conversations in the restaurants, and see the lights and the patterns unfold around you. Learn the vibrations of life.

We need to develop our base connections to nature. They are our foundation and base. If you don’t think they are, then hold your breathe for 10 minutes. Don’t drink or eat anything for a week. Nature sustains us. We are connected to our core. We can not forget it.

The thing about learning from nature is that we are so connected that nature can teach us things about ourselves.

Nature is the groundwork for which your path, your goals, your purpose derives itself. Take the time to interact with the nature around you to create a solid foundation so that you can take those leaps and bounds without stumbling.

Let’s take something that we see around us here in Las Vegas. Take the Palm tree. There are many different varieties. Some Palms are tall, some are short, and some have many trunks. Palm leaves are different as well; some have long fawns that go all the way to the trunk, others have leaves that look like a fern, some have a bunk that group together like a fan and have a stem that goes back to the base. Palms survive by absorbing what they need to survive. If they grow too many leaves, those leaves die. If you plant a group of them together they will grow away from each other so that they can all share in the sun. If you damage the lower part of the trunk or the main root, they will die. They have a shallow root system, is it because of the ground it lives in. That ground has to have a specific alkalinity. If it has too much acidity, it will die. How did the Palms get here? There is a debate of the origins of the first palm in the valley. There are stories about a traveler who planted them. There are also stories that there was a variety that was here already. The Native Americans of this area have mixed views of it. Some say their grandparents used them and there are paintings depicting them. Other want the Palms removed from native lands because a white man from Phoenix planted them. Can they tell us about ourselves and how we populated this area? How do they propagate? Some have flowers, some have roots that make new trees, and some grow fruit and have seeds.

Take a look at the other trees, flowers, bushes, cactus, weeds, and vegetation that are both naturally planted as well as planted with a specific purpose by humans. Why are they the height they are? What feeds them, waters them, lives in harmony with them? Why do flower have the smell and look they do? How do the plants survive and spread their seed?

You can look at animals, the species, their characteristics, their habits, how they adapt to different things.

Take a look at a rook and sit with it a while. How did it get to be the size it is now? Why did you choose that particular rock? How does it feel, are their any features to it? Is it one of many, it is by it self? How did the dirt get on it? If you move it, can you really ever put it back to where it was? Does it help keep the dirt from blowing away? Do insects have to go around it? Do they live under it? When it rains, does it change? Did you trip on it and then kick it or throw it? Does it resemble or remind you of anything?

There are so many questions that you could ask many different things. Being non-verbal you are only going to gain a certain amount of knowledge from it. It may teach you things in ways that you can not express.

We can move on to events and things that are larger than earth, plant, or animal. How about a sunset? Have you taken the time to feel the sun setting, or even rising for that matter? If you close your eyes during can you know when the sun will rise above the mountains or drop behind them? Temperature changes to your skin, sounds that change, are there any feelings that you get.

What season is it? There are many signs and signals that indicate the season. What is the phase of the moon? How busy is the strip right now? How busy will it be in the morning? How busy will it be for New Year’s Eve?

Many things affect us as we go through our daily lives. We see a funny bumper sticker, hear a song on the radio, listen to co-workers complain, sit and rub your family pet. Anything and everything has a connection to us. Even things that you may not have thought about can affect you. How can we describe our relationships and be mindful of our actions and reactions?

There are whole sections of science that are seeing the world in a different light. Some of it indigenous people have know for generations. We have learned from them and developed in a whole new direction only to come back to what they have already told us. People have known about medicine, the interaction with the land, the existence of other realities, the effects we have on our communities.

Quantum Mechanics and the relative theories

Co-creational science

Ecological Psychology

Energy Healing

The Natural Medicines

Scientists have noticed how connected we are with the world around us. We can use this to develop our relationships. Most of the physical sciences deal with the large physical world that is around use. We see the large actions and reactions and the doctor treats you for the symptoms. But when it comes to the small and very fast they lack the ability to become relative.

Quantum Mechanics, string theory, and science on the atomic level are showing us that actions, reactions, time, space, and dimension can all change and are changing in any given moment. Our will, our reality, our awareness can be more affecting than we have given credit to. If you throw a ball and bounce it off the wall, you observe and know that it will come back to you. You can do it the same way and you would expect each time it would return. But did you know that there is a possibility that it would go through the wall and keep going as if the wall wasn’t there. On a small scale, the possibility grows even greater. There is also the possibility that not only with the ball bounce back, but it will also keep going. There are experiments in quantum computing that show both can exist at the same time. The potential for future computers to have 3 states and not just 2 that current computing that traditional physics have developed will allow science to do computations that they currently can not do. Quantum Mechanics have changed the understanding of the atom.

Co-creational science is unique in that it uses nature as a partner in the experiment. Most of them are chemist who now sees that in order to create materials that both are solutions to a need, and are in balance with nature. They have made fertilizers and acrylics/plastics that are made of the same hydrocarbons, but are connected differently. They are forced into a form that creates an imbalance with nature. Nature doesn’t want it back and has a difficult time breaking it apart. Take a look at a landfill and you can see it. Many lifetimes will go by before a fix will be able to return it all into elements again. Co-creationist want what they do to take on a form that is in balance, so they consult nature in every aspect of the process. People can commune with the land and figure out what it can grow, where is the best places to plant. What the land needs in order to grow. Farmers have been doing it for a long time, but for scientist, it is something new and it even relieves a burden that they some have felt. Are you evolving, when you are creating something that could destroy the land that you live on? In waste-water treatment, there are active organisms or “bugs” that eat the waste that is being treated. They require a certain amount of waste and oxygen to live. It is a delicate balance. Too much oxygen and they reproduce too rapidly and they overeat and starve with the given amount of food. To little oxygen and they can not reproduce enough to eat the waste. The same goes for different wildlife preserves and forests. We have confined them to a specific space and so that limits the growth and density of the animals and vegetation.

Ecological Psychology studies people and their environment helping them adapt and balance. It looks beyond the standard medication and chemical treatments to balance a person and looks for other things to help or what things can be eliminated to balance a person.

Energy healing constitutes many practices. Basically a practitioner opens up their awareness and lets themselves become a channel for others so that energy and needs that are not being met can be helped. They can sometime sense needs and requirements by using their awareness. Some practices use the practitioner’s will or intent to make changes or remove blockages that are preventing changes from occurring. The brain, the acids in the body, the nervous system and chemical make up can do things that are sometimes unexplainable with our current understandings.

Natural Medicine practitioners are people that try and help by using natural means, herbs, needles, manipulation, etc. to bring about the natural healing processes of the body.

People around us and our connections to them

Do you see how we affect each other? Our moods, our reactions, our life makes an impact on others. It could be direct, it could be subtle. Our car breaking down can change our course as well as those around us and those connected to us. Smiling at someone can change them even if they don’t react right away.

Other things that affect us:

Family traditions

Our community, the physical, the spiritual, the connections

Techniques that can allow us to open our awareness:

Grounding and centering

Meditation

Eyes of a child

We can extract wisdom and knowledge from the nature around us. It is there and serves as a base for us to grow upon. It is a foundation. We all have many different paths and methods to use as tools for our growth, but we can not forget the basics.