Just a vision

Somber is the floating wind
Upon the wings of the distant cry
Once a dream to find the end
Now prepared to just go the distance
Making sense of paths gone by
Instances more toxic than true
Windows into the open soul
Gather dust as cleaners seek the inner journey
Not giving in
Seeking refuge in the torrid mind of infinite resolve
Scattered hopes to relieve the pressure
Dawning light beyond the distant hills
Not giving in
Solving the puzzle key
Wrecking the mold
Dancing in the way of the fevered youth
Willing to work
Willing to try
Weak by comparison to angry friends
Simple by choice to feats of men
Active in the role of what has been made for me
Vision of the heath that is called to be
Composed from the form that spills forward unexpectedly
Created for all to see
Called for the turn in new direction

Stress Relief

I am glad that everything got out into the open about what was causing upset feelings. I am sorry that it turned out into more feelings getting hurt and friendships getting bruised, but hopefully they can be mended and things can be straightened out. Enough of that.

I am running around trying to tie up all of the loose ends and get LVPPD up and running this upcoming Saturday. The banner looks great, I am confirming the schedule today, and trying to get everyone on board.

I found out the other day that my health insurance doesn't want me to have the surgery that will help get rid of the pain. They are going to claim that there is too much pre-existing condition and they can refuse services for a year. They also said that the Doctor is covered, but his surgery center is outside the network. What is the point of covering an orthopedic surgeon and not the place where he works? So I am left with more and more drugs which decrease my pain a little, but impair my ability to go out, drive, and in general make somewhat of a normal life. I have to suffer during the day, take a bunch of meds at night and then just lay down and waste the rest of my day. What kind of life is that? I can't clean my house, I have to hire help, I can't do yard work, again hire help, I can't go to social gatherings, no interaction with friends, I am just stuck in my own little world with nothing and no control of anything. How do I deal with all of this? Hell, I can't even have a stiff drink, because I could have some major reactions to the medication and could die.

When the winds of the world wash over me,
And I struggle to gain control,
Thinking of things that can never be,
Leave me digging a hole.
Straight from the top of a big hill,
I ride and almost lose it all,
Ringing the bell of sanity,
Feeling so big and yet so small.

Path of frustration

I try to step out and see the path in front of me,
Hindered by associations, misconceptions, inactions,
To reach the potential in the moment,
The lessons learned too late and not clear,
Shed the doubt and reach the fear,
Noise in the background grows stronger,
Feelings hurt and left to wander,
Another day, another sunset,
Living true in personal reaction,
Breaking bonds to set myself free.

Sometimes it feels like you just can't win even with the effort and the understanding. For some reason the person who was hurt by the comments from others in a group that is helping with ppd decided that ppd must be held in contempt. There is nothing that I can do about it. I have tried reason and I have explained the purpose behind ppd, but it doesn't matter, this person is still going to spread the word to everyone they know to not go to ppd. In reality, I don't care if no one shows up. This is for the community even if the community doesn't want it. If it doesn't have a large attendance this year, then it will just reduce back to a simple picnic and gathering. I though myself at a problem and I keep getting smacked in the face. I will keep working towards healing this community. Even if I have to go at it alone. I have no choice. I am here and must do my part to heal and help this community to grow. If people do not like me or some of the people who help me then they will just have to deal with it, because I will not back down. I was brought to this community, my hands were placed here, so here is where I must work. To do less is to dishonor myself and my ancestors, cultural and spiritual. I refuse to be held in a fight without bonds or ties. I must be true to my beliefs and do what I feel is right, even if it leads down the path of frustration. If I do not help than I will never truly be apart of the whole, but something else and separate.

Another Friday

Things have been crazy the last week. I still don't know exactly when my surgery will be, I keep calling and leaving messages with scheduling, but they have not returned my phone calls. By the time I am done with work my pain level is so high I can barely stand to make dinner much less do anything else. I take the pain meds around seven and they take a little while to kick in, but when they do, my pain level reduces and it is not so dissabling. But I can not function much less drive anywhere. I am flying higher than a kite come 9pm. The drugs seem to work until morning so I at least get to sleep for 6 or 7 hours. If I took the drugs any later, I would not be able to get up and go to work. This sucks because I am not able to go out and visit with anyone. I am home bound. I hope that my friends understand that I am just trying to deal with everything and not leave them high and dry.

Today is the first day that I am back in the office with access to email and the internet. I have lots of people to talk to and catch up with.

I am excited about next weekend. Las Vegas Pagan Pride Day will be lots of fun. I really hope that people come and enjoy themselves. Because I have been unable to go out, I have had to do a lot of last minute coordinating my self. I cancelled a meeting on monday because the only people that were able to come were people that have already done their duties and I needed to talk with the ones who couldn't be there. I didn't want to waste people's time when they have already done so much. I had to make a bunch of phone calls, but I think I caught everyone. The trick now is figuring out decorations and getting all the signs completed. I sent an email out to everyone with a email blurb about LVPPD. I asked them to send it around, I hope they do.

I had to find someone to help me around the house and help with the lawn. I simply can not clean and take care of the house. With my wife so busy and stressed about work, I had to have help. I hope the person will come and do what I need. I am paying and hopefully it is worth it. She was recommended by someone I know, I haven't had time to find help, so if it doesn't work out I am just SOL. The biggest problem is the back yard. She says that she will mow and do yard work, but the grass is really high, and the is dog mines all over that have to be picked up. I will try and do some of it if I can in the morning before she get there, but I can only do so much. I wish I knew some more people that would like to earn some extra money.

Shoulder the load of a dreamers heart,
Mix in the love where it's found,
Holding the weight of opinions unknown,
No time to sit and take a break.
Relief from the heat of the battle,
Comes in the form of a hug,
Beyond the belief,
Of a journey gone by,
Feelings removed by a theif.
Stare in the eyes of resolution,
Calm down and go with the flow,
Stress of the day,
All flies away,
When the center is found again.
Strait from the heart,
Love for one and all,
Giving from me,
Is all I can be,
Is it enough or will I fall short?

Interesting

Yesterday at the doctors office sucked. I got there at 10 and didn't see the doctor until 12:30 then they were in and out and I didn't get checked out until after 2. The good thing is that they think they can do something for me. They think they can go in a small slit and laser the disk. It will burn away a portion of the disk and let the rest retract away from my nerve. They have to check with my insurance then we have to schedule it. It probably won't happen till the end of next month, but something is better than nothing. I managed to get new prescriptions for medication so hopefully I can reduce some of the pain in the meantime.

Last night I went to a class on recapitulation. It is a technique for regain energy and power that we have left in the past so that you can have that energy here and now. The whole idea is that in your life things have happened that have taken a part of your energy and still retains it. There were many examples given. One of them was a car accident. When you have one, you tend to freeze everything about the event. When similar situations occur again, you remember and get those worked up and it stands out within you. It could be relationships, abuses, religious notions, or about anything else that stands out in your memories.

The technique itself is rather easy, but it takes lots of practice to review those situations completely and take it all in so that only the dullest memory remains.

One of the things that I learned about myself is that I have many similar events throughout my life and it is almost a recurring theme that I really need to pay attention to. Most of the events take place immediately after a moment of pure happiness and connection. I have a feeling of oneness and connectedness and then bammm, right smack in the kisser. One of the earlier events happened while I was riding a bicycle with a friend down a very steep hill. I was sitting up on the handlebars. We were almost flying down the hill. I remember later taking that hill to school with a speedometer at close to 25mph. So it was probably a real stupid thing to be sitting up on the handlebars, but I remember being so free and happy, then I see a pothole, then I open my eyes a half a block away crying and see my friend with his head split open and then people running out of houses to him, the ambulance showing up and taking him away. I was standing there without the slightest trace of the accident. I got into a car with a couple of old ladies who took me home when I gave them directions. I have a huge blankspot that I can never get. I remember talking about it many times as I grew older in my parents church. I also looked at another accident when I was canoeing with my friend. We where riding down rapids and had just taken lots of them, people around us would get flipped, but we were having a blast just being one with the river. We got to this little run that we had done many times over many years, but this time when we were really rock'n and roll'n we hit a rock that flipped us, pinned us against the rock and bent the canoe around us. We eventually got out, I didn't have a scratch on me, but my friend was pretty beaten up. Then I thought about all of the different camping trips as I got older, I always got hurt. If it was at the beginning of the trip it was minor, but if it was towards the end, when I had made peace with the forest and had become truly happy, something major would happen. One of the last times, I actually fell down a 50ft drop when the side gave way with me standing on it. I slid for a while, got caught on a rock and then as I lifted up fell the rest of the way landing on my feet.

There have been car accidents where I was really happy and then something would happen. But the thing is I never really got hurt as severely as I should have. I would get an annoying injury, but it was always less than it should have been. Even the last car accident where I hit the cement barrier at 50mph, I walked away and even though I have back problems, it is fairly minor. I should have died.

There were many more incidents that I remembered lastnight, but they all had the same thing in them. There were perfect moments, then a disaster. But for some reason, I think the majority of my problem is the guilt in not getting hurt more. I don't know if just because I was in sinc with everything that I didn't get hurt, or if my guides just work overtime around me. What doesn't help me get beyond it is the burden that I have put on myself because I didn't get hurt. As I was younger I gave witness in my parents church about these events and others would talk about god and angels, and I felt guilty for reason.

Anyway, I noticed last night a repeating pattern and know that there is a lesson that I have not gotten over and over again. I will ask my guides and talk to the spirits and see if for the first time I can finally ask the right questions. I have asked about the specific events before, but not about the recurring theme and the lesson that I am for some reason missing. I hope that I learn it and can be done with this, because as I have gotten older the accidents have become worse and I barely escaped the last one. I may break the pattern and not make it if I don't pay attention.

Besides learning about the emerging pattern, I did learn a great technique, so I will be using it for many years to come.


When the time is right and the dreams come true,
Within my heart I remember a love for you.
A passing glimpse of a time gone by,
The day I broke and started to cry.
Images and visions of a time so pure,
Forever will my heart endure.
Balanced peace as I walk the path,
Regaining strength to be my self at last.
Touching my soul is a journey to grow stronger,
Lessons to learn in a time much longer.
Feelings from deep within finding a voice,
Allowing myself to make the needed choice.
Thank you for just being you.

Friday Friday

Well everything that I wrote for this post originally got deleted and so I bring you the second version that which is now gone forever.

Healthwise - not all that good, screw up with prescriptions leaves me without pain medication for a week. I hope I can handle it. Not sleeping well, so I am feeling tired all the time.

Toteg Tribe - Trying to come up with a new method of displaying the memorial service. not everyone has powerpoint.

Pagan Pride Day - Going well, going to have two meetings so that I can see everyone.

Poetry - lacking focus right now, so I need to write more, but find my mind less able to meditate right now.


Going to start a brand new day,
Have to look for another way,
Where can I go to run and hide?
Where can I escape the mess inside?
Full of compassion,
Missing reaction,
Walking the shores of a low in the tide.
I want to run where the sun shines free,
Waking to dreams of possibilities,
Here is the moment,
Here is today,
This is where my home will stay.
Fixing the dreams of a shattered storm,
Mixing the tale of a shadow worn,
So bends the night when I can not sleep,
Fulfilling the voice and breaking free.