50 months quit

Today is my 50 month anniversary from quitting smoking. Life is so different now. It still has its episodes of drama, I still wonder about life and my role in it, but I am at a different level in my life. My spiral has taken me to adventures I wasn’t even expecting. I don’t really give smoking much though anymore other than noticing how bad it smells when I am walking through a casino, or eating at a restaurant. I am trying to figure out how to get those 5 minute breaks I used to take all the time and what to do in them. I need to create a CD packed full of 5 minute songs that I can meditate to and spend some time focusing and centering.

My health is better. Three months ago, I had a scare that I am following the family tradition of developing diabetes. I still may, but I changed my life around a bit and now everything is more normal. My three month blood sugar level is down, my fasting sugar is down, my cholesterol, and fat levels are down. I lost a little weight, not much, but some, and my doctor was very happy and quite surprised that I managed to make a lifestyle change, enough to affect the results. If I could get my stress levels down, I might just make it after all.

Laying bed, watching the shadows,

Seeing the images race through my head,

Finding a peace in the midst of confusion,

Holding a thought when it is all so unclear.

I race through my battles,

Search for more answers,

Get nothing but questions,

No sense of knowing,

What is coming ahead.

If I take it by moments,

Toward the goals that I aim for,

I know I’ll make it, one step at a time.

It doesn’t have to be hard.

Making a change can be broken down.

Practice the motions,

See it through clearly,

When all else is failing,

Smile and move on.

You have nothing left to fear,

Take the action and will it to be so.

Open you heart to love,

Love for yourself, love for it all,

Let loose the baggage, there is no room.

Lay back and let it all go,

See your images clearly,

For once and for all.

wonderment on a bad day

I sit alone and wonder why.
What can I do besides watch the days go by?
Work takes up most of my time,
But life is more than just making a dime.
Is this the life I am to lead?
Just waiting for the next assignment to come to me.
I know that I support more than my family.
I know the importance of the work that I do.
But, my intrests seem to fade away,
My ecploration of life is no longer in clear view.
I have all of these ideas,
Pictures in my head,
Creation of beauty
Building more, inventingm, supplying creativity.
But I am just a fool and only sit and wonder
Big ideas that really go no where.
Why can't I just shut up about it,
I don't take steps, I am insecure.
This is a land of posible dreams.
I have to sit an maintain my means.
Life can turn from safe to worse
In the blink of an eye
So I do nothing with what little time I have.
Mentally down, drained and broken
Waiting for nothing and getting nothing in return.

I don't want to be this passer by
I don't want to just sit and wonder why
The life I want can be more than just a dream
I have the power, I have the way and means
Taking control, making the moves
Building a road, using all my tools
Open my eyes and see the world
Open my voice and let it all unfurl
Creating life and moving on
I have the power, create desire, will it to be done

Personal Responsibility

What does this tenet/affirmation mean to you?

"We practice personal responsibility in our daily lives".

To me the duty of practicing personal responsibility has many facets. I have to do the things I say I am going to do, take care of my self in mind, body, and spirit, answer for the things that I have done, and push myself to be open and honest with everyone including myself. The idea of practice to me comes from the fact that it is often difficult to recognize personal responsibility. We stay in situations too long, obsess about things, overlook things that would benefit us, do things that are self defeating, do things without thinking about them. So we have to practice and practice and recognize what is our best action and reaction to the life that is happening right now. We can’t blame others for situations we put ourselves in. We can choose to change things. We can change tones, clarify, understand the bigger picture, we can remove ourselves, and move on. We have to be active in our daily lives, just going through the motions, isn’t always in our best interests.

I am a spiritual person, and everything I do involves my spiritual practice. It is difficult for me to feel like I am being spiritual in the work place, but doing my job to my best ability and with my being is spiritual. I have to work to support my family. I recognize that I may not be doing exactly what I want to be doing, but I have put myself in this situation and made commitments that have to be kept.

I have to be as healthy as I can to live as full a life as possible. I haven’t made all the best healthy choices in the world, I enjoyed smoking for many years, I do like sweet things, there are some wonderful drugs out there, I don’t like working out just to work out, but I have made those choices and have chosen to work through them.

Practicing personal responsibility in my daily life means that I don’t blame my actions on others, if I need more information, then I try and get it, if spirit is trying to speak, I listen or I suffer the consequences, I try and pay my debts, I stay involved with my community, life, work, family, and my self. When I feel that I fail, I evaluate and learn. I practice, I change, I evolve, I help, I work with others to keep on keeping on.

This statement is plural, we practice, our personal lives. We can learn from each other and help each other recognize our personal needs, and work through our problems. We are a Tribe of individuals, a family, not alone in all of this.

Awaken the eyes of the child,
See clear and know yourself,
Illusions, misinformation,
Unknown awareness,
Pull clear the vail,
Speak the words from your heart
Let love move through your being,
Grow, tell your tale and move on.
The adventure only begins right now,
And the now is quickly going by,
See through those eyes
Tell me what you see
Tell me what will be
Speak of those possibilities
Let your mind be free
Remember and know...