Another Day

Yesterday was our anniversary and we went out for sushi. I am not a fish person, but I like shrimp, crab, lobster, so I just had some California rolls and some tempora. We had fun. We tried something different and enjoyed ourselves.

My wife is pretty sad over our dog's toe loss. Our dog had to stay overnight at the vet because it was worse than we all expected. She is flying high on morphine, so she isn't in pain right now.  We will pick her up later and we will have to bring her in every few days to get her dressings changed.

I am not sure what to do about the whole gym thing. I have to lose some weight for my back. It may not solve my pain problem, but it couldn't hurt for my physical health. The thing is, I get home everyday from work and I hurt. I have to lay down, or I feel like I am just going to burst with pain. How can I go to the gym and workout when I can barely move. I am kind of mad at the doctor because of the cost of treatment. The last two shots cost me $1300 and that was after insurance covered 80%. How am I supposed to get any care when I can't afford it? I have been racking my brain trying to figure out how to solve this. Should I take up yoga, or Marshall arts, or some movement based exercised, or do I just work on muscles of my upper and lower body and try to strengthen what I have. I don't like drugs, but now I am forced to take pain meds to bring down the pain so I can work or even get out of bed. This shit just sucks.

Today is a Reiju day so I will focus in and pick out any available energy sent out by my Reiki peers and hope that it helps.

My wife will find out if she gets the job with the university today. I spend a lot of time trying to send out positive thoughts to counter her negativity. She has been hurt so many times that she almost feels defeated before she even goes after the job. I sort of understand her mood, but she has to believe she is going to get the job so that everything will fall into place. I want her to be happy and because she isn't it, upsets me. I don't know how I can help her. I will just keep trying to help.

Today I make myself renewed
Believe, rebuild, resolve, restore
Make a peace inside that is new
Find a place that is really true
Mold a form to hold much more
Create myself within a view
So that I can be again
Complete
Whole
One
A vision within and without
A place that is my temple
My santuary
My Self

 

Anniversary

Today is my 9 year wedding anniversary. We have been through a lot a things together. We have both needed support at different times and have come though some pretty rough times. I also quit smoking 3 years ago. I made a promise to myself that I would live as long as possible to be with my wife so I had to stop contributing to my destruction.

Today we had to bring our dog into the vet and have a toe removed. She had a tumor or massive infection that is eating the bone. She is in lots of pain and the only thing to do is to remove it and all of the infected tissue. Hopefully she will feel better and heal quickly.

The dreams we create,
The possibilities we explore,
The experience we enjoy,
Push at the open door.
Share life with each other,
Show truth to one and all,
See meaning in simple beauty,
Give of yourself and so much more.
When life gives you struggle,
When everything goes astray,
When you can't seem to find the answers,
Know a balance is what you crave.

 

Preparations

I have been creating a ritual to use for Pagan Pride Day. I just felt like writing it yesterday. I posted it to the rest of my Tribe and they seemed to like it. I have made some slight changes, but overall it reads well, I will spend some time thinking about it and deciding what to do from here.

My eyes have seen the vision of a love that is so pure,
Welcome to my heart in an embrace that is so dear,
Strength to heal my wounds when the cause is still not clear,
I hope to win the battle and remove all of my fears,
The truth will open doors and set my spirit free,
I will trust and openly play.

Another day

In a mix that brings about change
My life runs free
In a vision that directs me where to go
I hunt to make it complete
In a dream that connects the waking hours
My search fulfills my needs
Absolutes are no where to be found
Balance in all awareness brings
Cast aside my doubt and worry
Today is the day of a new found journey
Unknown goals find footing here
Lead by knowing without it known
Stretch and pull my limits bound

 
My back has been giving me lots of problems and I am still not sure what do do about it. How much money do I have to throw at it? There are limits to the pain I can stand. I am hoping that the energy work keeps helping. I am still searching for that internal balance.

Another day

Had a pretty good night last night. Went to a class on psychic healing. It made me miss the interaction with others and I want to get together with people and do energy work exchanges. I used to go to Reiki groups all the time, I enjoyed giving and receiving. Who knows if anything will come of it right now, my plate is pretty full, but I need to move in a healing direction so we shall see.

My mind hears the songs of the spirit,
Mixing the colors of the tune,
I see many waves as the tune sounds free,
A drop on the pond of life,
Silence changes the void that was at home here,
The rhythm of the energy at play,
Gentle is the voice that calls to me,
The unity of life sharing the one.

Decisions

There are many choices in life and so far I have not made many of them. Most of the time things sort of fall into place and the ride has been pretty bumpy. I have not had to really choose work, I didn't have many options. School came and went without much choice. I have not had that many job assignments that I had a choice about. I did make the choice to run PPD. But now I seem to come to another cross road where I actually get to make a choice, and I of course don't know what I want to do. I have no follow through. I get up to a brick wall and sit down rather than find a way around it. I think that is what separates the great opportunities from the existence that we call life. I have no seize the moment type of life. I get up, go to work, fill in the time, get off of work and do what I need to do until bed. With my pain, I don't really have too many options anymore about what to do after work. I have to lay down. I am so wishy washy these days. I need to find my voice and listen to it.

Open up your heart and sing,
Find the answers to most anything,
Listen for the bells to ring,
Don't let life pass you by.
In the air there is a feeling there,
A surge of thought behind a cold hard stare,
Mixing voices that are not there,
Hold on and give it a try.
Listen to your hearts desire,
Pit of emotion on an open fire,
Speak from personal truth and not a liar,
Live a life that forces you to try.
Think deep and wonder why,
Hear your heart at night,
For it is probably right,
Look deep with all of your sight,
and live.

Today

Well, I got my approval from the State of Nevada to be legal and practice engineering. I just had to take a little test on some of the laws and send them a big check. I will mail it out tomorrow. My wife is still in the running for two jobs so I hope that she has a shot at least one of them. She deserves it and it should happen for her. Things are progressing for Pagan Pride Day. We have a meeting at my home on Wednesday. I need to get on the ball and finish putting out on paper everything that we need to go over.

Sometimes my head aches,
The bar across my chest breaks,
The thunder in the afternoon sounds strong.
I never know until I try,
To find the answers that fly by,
My dreams will tell me which direction I should go.
Leave me alone tonight,
I don't want to share in a stupid fright,
My words seem to cut right to the bone.
Pray for me and love for me,
Hold me close within your sight,
Don't forget me when you go to sleep.
Tonight I shed a simple tear and am weak.
The strength will come and I will feel complete.

Yeah it is Friday

I am glad the end of the week is here. Yesterday sucked. I was finally busy at work and had to leave because my wife's car broke down. I ended up having to replace the battery because the shop couldn't get us in. At least it is fixed now. We went out to a wonderful restaurant at Paris and then saw Jubilee, the topless review show at Bally's. I am not sure that the show will be around in five years. The show catered to the older adults and didn't have anything that would appeal to the next generations. My back started really hurting last night. I felt like I could feel the grinding of the bones. I hope I am not worse off than I was a few weeks ago. If I don't get better soon, I may end up having to have surgery to fuse the bones together. The out patient surgery is not working. I am hoping that I could get some meds so that I can function so I can loose weight and get my life back.

Flowing through the motions,
My life has come to be,
Mixing with emotions,
A fantasy waiting to see,
Coming out of frustration,
I want to embrace it all,
Slow and steady pace,
Listening to the call.

Another day

I don't know what it is, but I do things and don't really think them out. Last night my back was hurting so I took some meds then got ready and went to bed. I didn't even think about the fact that I had my inlaws over and that I didn't say goodnight. I just left. I was consumed by my self and didn't think. When my wife came in she asked me why I had left and didn't say anything. I hadn't even thought about it. I have been zoning off a lot lately. I start something and then my mind wanders off into who knows where and I find myself uninterested in what I was doing. That has to stop. I have to focus. I am not getting much work done and I have to be as productive as I can be.

Concentration close at hand,
Stopping short of my fellow man,
Arrange the flowers of the land,
Release the burden if I can.
Run across the morning,
The sky is filled with love,
I can't believe the frustration,
My heart feels, I have had enough.
Listen to the footsteps,
Across the open floor,
Who will share my gifts,
Who else will I ignore.

Hug

A hug and a tear from my heart,
I send out my special need.
Overwhelmed with sense of fear,
Energy that leaks and bleeds.
Balance me now,
Awaken my heart,
Compassion, turmoil, distress.
Give out my breath in desperate resolve,
To heal this pound of flesh.
Hold me close in this hour of need,
I will share with you my gifts.
Passion to feel the changing tides,
Desire that burns the skin,
Touch that heals the wounded soul,
Releasing the freedom within.
Feel the burdened relieved,
Cryout in the waves of release,
Know the smile within your sight,
The eyes within to see.

Another day

I had some more shots yesterday in my back. They hurt. They also caused one of my legs to be weak. The actual pain from the injury was masked by the pain from the shots themselves. I think there was an improvement, but I couldn't be sure.

Today I am going to set and receive an attunment to Karuna Ki, another healing system similar to Reiki. It is a western system and there are more symbols involved. Perhaps the connection will help in my healing process.

Out to the Sea,
My heart does reach,
I struggle to teach,
The spirit in me,
When can I,
Let myself be,
When I try,
I feel complete.

Independence Day

I had a pretty good weekend. My back hurts a lot, but I try to ignore it as best as I can. I made up some hamburgers on the grill and we at with my wife's folks who are in from Chicago. We went out to Lake Las Vegas to watch the fireworks. We didn't get to park close so we just found a spot on the golf course and watched from the soft grass. I really enjoyed laying in the grass. It has been a while since I had done that.

We drove out to Lake Mead yesterday and enjoyed the scenery. Then we went down to the MGM for a little while.

I am tired,
I am weak,
The body aches,
It is hard to sleep,
How much more can I take?
The dreams are fleeting,
I can't concentrate,
Which spell can I make?
Whirling and twirling within my mind,
Peaceful surrender that I can find,
What will it be?
What has come over me.

Meds

I have been taking some hydrocodone to help relieve the pain at night. When I wake up I am actually pain free for a while. I don't like taking the meds, but it helps. I can see how someone might end up addicted to pain killers.

I spend some time every morning doing reiki on myself and trying to calm myself before the day really begins. I sit outside and watch the sun come up and listen to all the neighborhood bird.

I have been thinking about getting shells as a gift for everyone at PPD. Perhaps the natural spiral would be taken to heart when explained.

One spiral at a time,
Connecting the world since life began.
Welcome to the pattern,
That life seems to provide,
Not knowing which road to choose,
It will all work out fine.
Spiral paths that we all take on,
Mixing truths and aspirations,
Finding a way that works for us.
Balance in cycles,
Freedom in our choices,
One spiral at a time.