Another Day

Yeah, my wife started work yesterday. I am so happy for her. I am having some jitters about PPD. I am slightly worried that there won't be a great turnout and that the people attending will have fun, but the speakers, tarot readers, and others will be disappointed. It is probably needless worry. I just want things to go well.

My mental well being is looking up. I don't feel so doom and gloom. I am still kind of bored at work, I still hurt, but my depression is at least stable. I have one more week before I see the orthopedic surgeon. Tonight I am going to an IEEE meeting. I hope to meet some more people in my profession.

Today is a day of new beginnings,
I start from the heart and go from there,
The center of my mind,
I hold with focus,
Leave the rest behind,
My journey tracks from here to there,
There is no end,
Does not have to be,
The comparison between standards,
Holds no value,
Embrace the unknown,
Discovery in every moment,
Truth in love right now.

What does it take to grow?

A while back a question posted asked what was harmony. There were many answers and some came pretty close to defining a good definition.

Now another question came. What does it take to grow? What single thing do animals, humans, plants, insects, and the rest of the life as we know it use? Without going into what other people have described I want to attempt to answer that for my self. It is a question that has plagued thinkers for all times. I could probably write a cultural anthropology paper on it.

One of my first thoughts is purpose. But do trees and animals have purpose? Do they have that drive to do what they are supposed to do? I am a seed. What is my purpose? To take the resources given me and to do everything I can to reach my potential. If I am given a rock or soil full of nutrients, it makes no difference. I will grow the best I can. If I am a rock, do I have purpose? I am to take what is around me and be the best I can. If I am given water, sun, compacted, thrown, broken, mixed, hardened, aged, it does not matter. I will be what I am to be. I will never be anything else. If I am an insect, I have a purpose to do a specific task, the best I am able to do with the resources available to me. If I am to gather food, I do what it takes without question or doubt. If I am a bird, I have specific traits and abilities to do the best I can with what I have. If I have to gather food, make a home, feed others, move, I will do it the way I do it because that is what I have observed that works for me. If I any other type of animal, I have a specific purpose, I do specific tasks with what I am given to the best of my ability in my own interest. If it will get me what I want, I will do it. If I observe a way of doing it better, or I discover something else that allows me to get what I want, I will do it.

Now, does that work with humans? When we have a purpose we do it and we find the best way to do it with our abilities. But, we have doubt, are we always supposed to be the best we can be with definite purpose? Why does it seem that at times we flounder and don't have a specific purpose? Is it because we are complicating the mix and trying to do things that are not up to our potential? Does that make us less likely to grow? Are we trying to much to observe others and do what they do? Why do we complicate things and constantly think other things will be more efficient? The simplicity of trying to be the most of what ever you are doing. To act with purpose and to the best of your ability given the resources available to you, I think that may be at least one way to grow.

Simplicity in the task at hand,
Focus and efficient means,
Adaptability through experience,
Doing because it is to be done,
Grow into your being,
Use your tools,
Use what is given to you,
Do it the best you can,
No excuses,
No regrets,
No past,
No future,
Now.
What is your purpose?
Are you doing it?
If you don't know,
What are you doing right now?
Are you really?
Now,
Don't worry about the future,
Don't worry about the past,
Do what you are doing,
With everything,
Simply because you are doing it.

what's going on

I am going to go see a doctor today about my mental health. There could be one of four things going on with me. I could be suffering from adult ADD, clinical depression, low testosterone, or simply my energy centers are out of wack and still suffering from tramatic stress from various accidents. I will go see the head doctor today and also try to set up a session with a shaman I know ASAP. In a couple of weeks I have a consult with an orthopedic surgeon to take a look at my back. I am starting to have pain in my other leg, which never really occured before, and the pain get pretty intense at times. Sometimes I feel like a real wimp because many people suffer through physical pain. I push it as far as I can and perhaps that is why I am not getting any better.

Taking a step in the right direction
Mixing the spell through contemplation
Digging deep with inner motivation
Looking around with expectation
Helping my spirit shine
Humbled by sense of time
Reaching out and making simple mistakes
Follow through with focus clear
Experience dances near
One by one no matter how long it will take
Waiting
Antisipating
Letting go and understanding
Simplicity brings out the hidden truth
Innocence of forgotten youth
Here I go to live another day
Again

Let's be a jerk

Lately I have been feeling pretty bad. I don't know how to deal with the pain in my back and I get frustrated. I want to retreat and be by myself and don't want to interact with anyone. Sometimes it is just hard. I am not by myself. There are others in my life that tend to get the brunt of my attitude and my angry grumblings. When I retreat and sulk I don't want anyone in my face talking to me, no matter what they wanted to talk about. Last night one of those times came up and my wife got the worst of it. I was done for the day, I was in pain and just wanted to lay down curl up and die. My wife came in to talk to me and tell me something. I answered her and then told her she could leave. To her it must of sounded like I was being dismissive, because it upset her and she got mad. I wanted to be alone in my pain, but because I made her mad she stayed where she was and continued to talk to me. I ended up getting upset and grumpy and lashed out with words to get her to leave. It was wrong, but I was not thinking clearly. I just wanted to be alone and said anything to make it happen. I finally managed to find a position where the pain was not too bad, and I just went to sleep. Now I know the pain is not her fault and I have a bad habit of not making what I want clear. I just don't know what to do most of the time. I go through periods, like right now, when I don't want anybody around me. I don't want to talk to anybody, I just want to lay there and cry. It may be depression, it may be me just giving up, I don't know. It becomes time like this when I don't like myself and I don't see the point of life anymore. It is hard to remember good times and moments where you get those "ah hahs". I am just skating through life and not really mattering to the world. It is all in my head, but those nasties are around me and I don't know how to deal with them properly. Perhaps I will find a way to deal, maybe I won't, but I will try. I love my wife and I hope she knows that, even here at my worst. She is probably the only thing keeping me alive. I forgot to take some pain medication this morning, so here at work I am kind of stuck. I will get some at lunch.


In the moments I am weak
I see right through the pain
Don't know what I am looking at
They all look exactly the same
In the moments that I am strong
The same can be true
Not sure what I am searching for
Just know I can make it through
Dedication, inspiration, motivation
Lacking simple education
Maximizing, criticizing,
No more socializing
Free from the bonds of my mind
No more endings left in sight
Find out now what is true
Sense of missing what's brand new
I fly never leaving the ground
I see the home where I am found
Go to the end and then come back
Simply float away
Relax and go today

Spirit Dolls

Here is my opinion on spirit dolls. Many different cultures use them. They can represent many things. They are a physical portrayal of the spiritual. The creation of the dolls can be a meditative and creative process that focuses your intent and allows you to be open for spiritual guidance. They can take many forms from actual human shape, to abstract and metaphorical image. They can be decorated with many things that help give it the essence and the spirit. Jewels, feathers, string, hair, paint, blood, markers, wire, or any thing else can be used. They can be used to represent an illness, a prayer, a season, a person, a spirit guide, a cause, or many different things. They are tools, like many things, that are valid if they come from within and not from other cultures. I think that creating them can be very fulfilling, but I would caution you to look at your reasons for wanting to use them. If you think that just because someone uses them within the Toteg Tribe than it is the Toteg Tribal way, then you are mistaken. I think that if you are drawn to them and research them and understand their fundamental purpose, than it could be valid for your personal spiritual needs. If you are doing something that is valid for your needs and you are not stealing from other cultures and you are respectful to the spiritual practice then it could be the Toteg Tribal way. Spirit dolls may not be valid for everyone. If it is not apart of your culture, and/or you are not directed to use them by spirit then you have no business creating them or using them.

Sing a song
Dance a dance
Ripped apart from the rest
Show your face
Hide the pain
Mess it up
Start again
Follow the direction of your nose
Where it will lead
You may never know
But wasn't the ride there fun

A new day

I was asked by the Toteg Tribal council to create a memorial service and administer it online. How do you honor someone this meaningful to me and to many others and be as inclusive as possible? I don't want to miss anything. I wish I new flash. I would create a movie or program that could be viewed by everyone. Perhaps I could create a slideshow or something.

To help me I created a couple of pictures that memorialized Joe. One was symbolic and the other was all of the photos that I could find. They help some, but coming up with a ritual is personally a difficult task. It is an online ritual and memorial service. I want to do a good job.

I was also asked to be the first Treasurer of the Toteg Tribal council. I have to go mess with the bank again and get another checking account. At least I know what to do, I did it for PPD.

My back still hurts and the next step is to see an orthopedic surgeon. I wanted things to get better so I wouldn't have to see one. It will be expensive and it will still hurt like crazy. I just get frustrated because I am severely limited in what I can do on a daily basis. It hurts to get dressed in the morning. I feel like a cry baby because people go through life with much bigger problems than what I have got, but my whole life will have to change if I don't get this fixed. I can't even mow the freak'n grass. How am I supposed to keep a house when I am stuck in bed?

Time to get refocused.

When the wall come closing in
I reach out to take hold
Relying on my spirit
To teach me this broken road
Balance in my sacred space
Begins within me
Change from harmful attitudes
Flying and being free
Today I journey to a new found home
Step aside and take rest
Answers are not always clear
It takes patience and resolve
To hear and obey
The visions come unannounced
The pathway makes itself known
Hold on tight and be at ease
Tomorrow brings a new day

Yeah for my wife

Finally. She has been looking for a job since last October. She was just starting to get interviews and we moved out to Las Vegas. She has been searching out here for four months. She met with 12 different companies and finally landed a job as the Assistant Director of Operations for a DMC. This relieves a lot of pressure off of me and should help to stomp on the depression that was starting to set in on her.

I am proud of her and knew she would find something. This is a different aspect of the work that she knows how to do, so it should be exciting. I am glad that an employer saw beyond and hired her.

Hail into the air in which we breath,
A rapture of great excitation,
The turning of the wheel is set in motion,
Balance starts to show from both ends,
Breaking the point which was in the side of caution,
Understanding and bending as emotion poured upon rational thought,
Creating the peace that internal precepts require,
Allowing new excitement to fill and begin again.

The next step

The mourning period is almost over with. In the Toteg Tribe we have three days of reflection, three days of silence, and three days of celebration. This is the first day back from silence. The days ahead look to be not so cloudy. Direction will come and with that understanding and wisdom.

Celebrate the life that is lived,
Quest for knowledge unbounded,
Released from expectation,
Acceptance complete,
Beat a rhythm so pure,
The skin crawls with anticipation.
Experience the unknown,
Forgive the untied cords,
Let the air hear your cry,
Grasp the thought and release it whole,
Share your burden to the dreamer,
Solve the puzzle of your self.
Be one.

Another Day

It has been a tough couple of days working through Joe's death and still functioning. I will probably have to deal with this for a long while. I have had several phone calls from people on the tribal council and it has been difficult to talk though this. I finding words hard to find to express the feelings that I am going through. Hopefully we will all grow closer in our design.

Between the layers of knowing
Come the understanding that more is there
Filling in the blanks
Escaping for a while
The process keeps rolling along
Dreams that almost describe it
Pictures removed from my thoughts
Finding a way to deal with it all
Creation from more than just sparks
The path that we wander is sometimes painful
We are scared when are steps become weak
Pool from the pot of experience
Make room for more things to come

Joe

In my heart I can't express,
The loss of a friend, a leader, a teacher,
That filled me, helped me, taught me,
To respect and know,
More about who I am,
Who we are,
How we stand,
How we connect to it all.
Functioning becomes difficult,
When the pain in my chest fills my emotions,
Tears me apart,
Reveals the frailty of it all,
The mask that runs so very thin,
Look out spirit world,
You have called home a handful,
Enjoy the company,
I sure do.


I lost today my friend and mentor and tribal leader. It is hard for me to function with the knowledge of this loss. I am going to have to go home and morn. OR I am going to have to swallow this and try and continue.



All wise and loving Mother,
All understanding and patient Father,
We give thanks this day for the blessings you have bestowed upon us,
We reach out to you and embrace your teachings,
So that they may guide us and help us in times of joy and sorrow.
Today we honor our family by honoring you and our Tribal Doyen Joseph Bearwalker Wilson,
We are thankful for his connection to you and your teachings,
So that we may become closer to you, gracious Mother, and you, kind Father.
We know that his continued spirit connects with us as his physical body returns to the earth.
We ask that you continue to teach and guide him in his journey as you teach and guide all of us.
In adversity as well as happiness,
With love,
So will it be.



It is real hard today to even think about Joe. He came into my life while I was doing some spiritual searching. I had lost my grandfather, I was full of questions, I was not finding any comfort in anything, I started talking to him and he started helping me make sense of my world. He was more teaching me to listen than anything else. I would have a problem with life and I would talk it out with him. He was a rough and gruff old man that just didn't have time for bullshit, so we could get right to the root of the problem and go about looking for answers. He always told me he liked my poetry. I would post it and annoy everyone else. I would catch him in the chat room just hanging out and we would talk for a while. It was nice just having him around.

I will miss him.

Yeah for me

I celebrated 3 years of quitting smoking. That is not very long, but it means a lot to me. I still think about it sometimes and have to tell myself no, you do not want to smoke. Wow my life has changed over the past three years. I have moved, changed jobs twice, gotten involved with many groups and have made a little more peace with my self. Oh yeah, I almost died a few times.

I remember my celebrations of 6 months, 1 year, 2 year and all of the little reminders along the way. The journey was a learning experience and I enjoy the life I now lead smoke free.


Been down that road many times before
Lessons learned, I am now restored
Closer to my spirit
Closer to my Self
Made peace with my chosen path
Living now to make it last
How many roads did I walk down before?
Frustration and confusion, there had to be more
I tried so many times
I cried and moved on
Never completely giving up
Till I could do it no more
When I finally let it go
I felt so much relief
Walking out to the end
Finding wind beneath my feet
I can not forget where I have been
I will not make that mistake again
I will have more to show
Than a life full of defeat
Friends have helped me see past my faults
They have reached out and lent a hand
I will not fail for them or me
I will not except a defeat
I will continue to be me
I will be