Updates and thoughts

Well so far the surgery is still scheduled for November 15th. I go in on the 8th to get blood work and get processed. The insurance is being submitted and they have not denied it yet, so I am hopeful.

Work is going to be busy for the next few weeks for me. I should be busy till the end of the year. That is good. I don't want to look too far ahead, because unless a lot of the proposals come back it is going to drop off pretty steeply again.

I had a wonderful time at Carn-Evil. I wish I had been feeling better, I couldn't stay for a long time, nor participate in some things. I started hurting pretty badly and I am glad I got some energy healing, it was unexpected, but much needed.

Last night I ran a simple online memorial tribute for Joe. It was nice. I cried off and on, but it was good to share with the others that were there. I will be running a couple more of them for people who could not attend.

I hope everything went well for the full moon ritual. I wanted to go, I thought I was going, then after driving all day the pain hit me and I couldn't go. I guess I was not meant to share in the ritual. I had a gift all ready and everything.

Right now the plan is to go to a ritual on Friday and Saturday. We shall see and take it one day at a time.

I was thinking about happiness. When you are not doing what you want to be doing, can you be happy doing what you are doing? I spend so much time missing my friends, losing touch with them, and missing out on all of the community activities. I get upset and feel lonely. I realize that I can only do what I can do, and when I am better I will be able to do more. But that doesn't make it any easier. I get so preoccupied with everything else that I lose track of where I am at and what I can actually do.

The thought in my mind
Race through the abyss
spiral about
Despite what I miss
Connecting the passion
Like a first kiss
Let it go and be free
Centered and solid
Weak in the knees
The beauty around me
Longs to be seen
Pay the attention it needs
With intention well spent
Another day of battle
Weakened reprieve
Finding a shelter
That will take me right now
Suffer no more
By learning the how's

Reading a face in the rain
Feeling the touch of another's closed pain
Seeing the gifts with nothing open to gain
Letting the spirit forget and release all the blame.

ARRRG

I just got off the phone and the insurance company told the doctor's office that I couldn't have the procedure until after the 1st of November. So the first day they could get me in would be November 15th. A Monday near the new moon. I guess two days later is far enough. Now I have to figure out if my wife can get the time off to take me.

Hump Day

Well after spending some time at the doctor's office, I think I may finally get to have the surgery on my back. It will probably cost me a few grand in co-pay percentages, but it is worth it if the pain will reduce, even if only a bit. We are trying for the 29th. One day after the full moon. A great time for healing sense the ancestors will still be around and can help me through this. Perhaps then I can get back to being more of who I want to be and less of the whiney baby that I have become.

The flight of breeze blows across my face,
In the air there is a chill of knowing.
Coming to center from where I now stand,
Release from the fight that is brewing.
Awaken the mind of the spirit,
Invoke forth the rites we now need.
Share in the space of another's warm heart,
Loving and knowingly feed.

Mid October

Discerning what world you are in is a difficult challenge.

At times I do see it as, if you are going down to get there as in a hole, ladder, stairs, then you are heading to the lower worlds.

If you go up a tree, ladder, stairs, or project then you are going to the upper worlds.

When I first was thinking about different levels, I thought of my ladder and the different knots representing the different planes. But they can represent so many different things. To me from the bottom up the knots represent, elemental, instinctual, emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, and infinite. That doesn’t fit when you encounter someone or something. They could be on any level.

When I read some of the texts and it says you go down to meet animal helpers and up to meet spiritual helpers, but where are you when you are all together. For me it turns into, what level am I on and what mechanisms do I use in this level. If I am at an Atomic/elemental level, I expect to use fire, earth, water, air, and other elements to interact with and communicate. I could probably use tools of my mental and physical, but the most efficient means would be of that level. At the instinctual/ animal level, I would expect body language, eye contact, smell, hearing, and all of those tools to be of most efficient use.

Now, I am just a novice at all of this, but to me, the levels which you are on, dictate your most efficient actions as well as a majority of the forms which you will encounter. It doesn’t mean that those you are encountering are on that same level, or in that same form on other levels. I will see my purple polar bear friend in upper spiritual and mental levels, but not always in the same form as I see him in lower levels.

I have heard some say that while you are in your places you have seen all sorts of animals and also forms of gods and spirits. Why would gods and spirits be in the lower worlds communicating with you there if they couldn’t move around as we can. If they couldn’t move around, they would have to wait for you to visit them in the upper worlds.

The problem I find with this is that in each level you are on you can go up and down from as well. It is possible that we spend most of our time in the mid worlds, and just go to upper and lower mid worlds, not really going to another level. Then the spirits and animals of the mid world have full range both up and down.


Just thoughts.

I have not been very good at keeping this up to date. I just got tired of posting over and over again how miserable I was. Pain and more pain. I did manage to get a massage last Friday. Someone I have met a few times at classes, came over and worked my back over. I am having a real hard time not closing off my lower body because of the pain. I mentally break myself and don't pay any attention to the pain, if I can. But what that has been doing is causing more and more build up and I loose my grounding abilities and lose the energy tie back to my being. It is just hard to work through the pain all the time.

I have an advocate now for my health insurance. I am hoping that I can find out if I can have surgery next week, or when. I go see the doctor again today a 4pm. I don't know why, other than to complain some more about the pain. Until I find out about insurance, I am kind of stuck in a limbo.

Breath in the air that opens my lungs and gives a voice to sing,
Breath in the sun upon my brow and release my spirit to dream,
Breath in the earth beneath my feet and let it hold me tight,
Breath in the water to quinch my thirst with love that feels so right.
Blessings to one and all.

Nervous

Today is the day I go in for my colonoscopy. I don't think it will turn up anything, but I am still a little worried. I had a lot of trouble the last few days getting ready for the procedure. They had this colyte stuff to drink. I was supposed to drink about a gallon of it. I got through two glasses and then just started puking my guts out. Considering I have not had any solid food since Sunday morning pancakes it was not fun. The spasms really hurt my back and did not do will for my disposition. I hope I got clean enough for the doctors. I don't want to repeat the process if I don't have to.

I feel really negligent of not being around for my friends. I want to go visit them and talk with them, but right now I am pretty useless and really can't get out of the house. I hope they know that I don't mean to drop off of the planet, but I can only do so much and I have to work so anything else has to take a back burner to my health. I can't even go and spend the weekend at fall fest because there will be too much moving and I can't do it. Tomorrow I will start bugging the surgeon again about my back. I have to have something done. I don't think I can make it to march. I will worry about my colon right now and then get back to my back.

This sucks. It seems the only thing I write about is the crap going on in my life. It is depressing and does not make for a great read. If anyone was reading portions of this, I am sure I have made the worst of the blurbs list. Maybe I should go back to just writing poems and meditations and leave out all of the rest of this crap.

The day begins with the morning sun,
Rising up to reveal what has been done,
relief in questions beyond the words of expression,
Ponderings of answers yet to be remembered.
Who can call into view the missing perspective,
Ridden from the eastern shore?
Who can follow the jumping delusion,
Hold on tight and ask for more?
Experience the vision of compete release,
Lose control and be again at peace.