remembering 52 months

It is sometimes strange to look back and think about the last 52 months of being smoke free. Even though I have made the choice not to smoke until I am at least in my nineties or ever, I get reminded of the struggles I went through periodically by others around me or situations I am in. I was standing outside the other day at a youth detention facility that is located on a mountain side with someone who lit up a cig. He had quit for six weeks after a laser therapy session and had recently started again. It reminded me of all the times I had tried and failed and all of the schemes and deals I would make with myself to justify that one more smoke.

I just went to a concert the other night and was having a great time 15ft from the stage, people all around me singing and dancing, and a majority of them smoking. Billows of smoke where poring out of these people. A few of them where trying to be nice and blowing the smoke upwards, or at least trying not to blow it in our faces, but many didn’t give it a thought. I came home smelling like an old ashtray and there wasn’t anything I could do to get that smell away until I took a shower and washed the clothes. I remember a time when I must have smelled like that all the time and I couldn’t really notice it because I was so used to it.

Smoking is a powerful addiction, I am glad that I have struggled through the worst of it and have made it to where I am today. I live in a town where I see smokers on a daily basis. I interact with them and remember my quit. After 52 months, I will not be smoking. I am thankful for the help I have received and send prayers of support to those of you working through your struggles in this addiction.

Today I dream

A moment of peace

About a place

Where you can do anything

Touch the stars

Hold the wind

Breathe the ocean

Lift your feet up off the ground

Why is it only in fantasy

That we explore

Let ourselves be free

We hold on tight

To the things we have learned

The unknown too scary

Burdens too strong

Comfort from choices

Never to far

Mixing emotions with fear

Tearing them all apart

Vision beyond the known

Failing and learning

The next path to take

Will this one be better

Let us find out

If it isn’t, then so what

We can move on

We can be strong

We can make our way

We can go beyond

We can be alive and moving

We can dance and grove to the music

We can

We can

We can

So many things

I don't know where to beging with all of the things that have been going on lately. Amy had her Gala and I helped her with the auction and set-up. It was wonderful to see her at work in her environment. Work has been busy and now I see the problems of lots of work with no budgets to get them all done. I attended a set of classes on Litergy from the Pagan perspective and reinforced ideas on how to do ritual for both private and public events. I went to the desert for bone-dance and had a wonderful time. I am going to be getting my large tattoo soon and I am excited. I miss my family, but we can't leave our dog in a boarding house for very long because of her age and so we won't be able to travel for the holidays. Fortunately my father is coming for a week and it will be nice to spend some time with him again. Perhaps we can go out into the desert and visit some of the beauty that surrounds us. I am tired a lot these days, I am not sleeping soundly, my dreams are sparitic at best and it is bringing my down. My focus and motivation to do things is lacking and I hope that I can snap out of this soon. I would like to be more in the moment and less out of it.

There are so many other things I want to talk about but I don't have time this morning. I have to go attend a County meeting and talk about our upcoming work.

Love to all..